Using SMART Contact™ If You Have Kids
The short answer
If you have kids, SMART Contact is easier because you always have a real reason to reach out to your spouse. Only reach out about things relevant to your children that your spouse needs to know, and keep your expectations low. Done this way, SMART Contact sets up a solid foundation for your spouse to feel more comfortable opening up in the future.
Key takeaways
- Having kids gives you a natural reason to reach out to a separated spouse, but only about things they truly need to know.
- Contacting your spouse every day tends to push them away, and ignoring them under No Contact does not work either.
- Keep your expectations low, share the facts, and ask for their input on what is best for your child without pushing about the relationship.
- Never use your children to get your spouse to do what you want, and keep them out of the middle of your marriage problems.
Don’t have your headphones or a private place to listen right now? Check out the summary below!
One question we get all the time is, “How do I use SMART Contact if I have kids?”
If you and your spouse have a family, the thought of going days or weeks without talking to your spouse is more than painful- it’s scary! You’re not just thinking about you- you’re also thinking about your children…
“How is it going to affect them if they don’t hear from their mom or their dad for an extended period of time?”
Because children are involved, we want to help you implement SMART Contact in the best way.
Currently, there are two main ideas surfacing of how to reach out to your spouse when separated.
First, there’s “Constant contact.” I.e. contacting your spouse EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. thinking it will “bring them back.” Here’s what we know- it will not. Annoyance pushes them away.)
The other school of thought that is very popular is “No Contact.” i.e. ignoring your spouse for a period of time. This does not work. (Why would you ignore your spouse if they are trying to reach out to you? It’s the very thing you want!)
With the thousands of couples we reach, we’ve found what actually works: SMART Contact. *For an in-depth video detailing each aspect of SMART Contact, watch this video first: “Save Your Marriage While Separated: Do This!” https://youtu.be/5Rb1CIgt37I
SMART Contact is a lot easier with kids, because you always have a reason to reach out to your spouse. However, ONLY reach out to your spouse about things that are relevant; things that your spouse needs to know. (And, don’t put high expectations on these conversations.)
We know this is so difficult, and we can’t fully go into all the SMART Contact details, but that’s why we created the SMART Contact Toolkit. Check it out here: the SMART Contact Toolkit
Here’s a more clear cut example of SMART Contact with kids:
Last week Kimberly’s daughter got accepted into a special school she applied for. However, a couple of months ago Kimberly and her husband ALREADY paid registration fees for a different school.
With this situation, if Kimberly and her husband were separated, this would be the perfect situation to reach out to him; implementing SMART Contact. And, not “pushing” him to do anything about the situation, not talking to him about their relationship, not vilifying him. No, in this case, Kimberly would simply explain the facts, and ask for input of what he thinks is best for their child. If he isn’t interested, she won’t push it. She’ll simply thank him for talking about it and include him in relevant information/situations in the future.
Lastly, PLEASE remember to NOT use your kids as a way to get your spouse to do something you want them to do. Do NOT bring your kids into the middle of your marriage problems, and talk badly about your spouse.
Here’s what we covered today. First, reach out to your spouse about items that relate to your children. Second, don’t set expectations. Third, don’t put your kids in the middle of any drama. All in all, SMART Contact sets up a solid foundation for your spouse to feel more comfortable opening up in the future.
Check out our SMART Contact Toolkit to learn more and get your spouse to talk to you again!
*SMART Contact™ is a registered trademark of Marriage Helper.
Common questions
How often should I contact my separated spouse about the kids?
Only when there is something relevant your spouse needs to know about your children. Contacting them every single day pushes them away, and ignoring them for a period of time does not work either.
What is an example of SMART Contact with kids?
Dr. Kimberly’s daughter was accepted to a special school after registration fees were already paid at a different one. If she and her husband were separated, that would be the perfect reason to reach out, explain the facts, and ask what he thinks is best for their child, without pushing or talking about the relationship.
Should I tell my kids about our marriage problems?
No. Do not bring your kids into the middle of your marriage problems or talk badly about your spouse, and never use your kids as a way to get your spouse to do something you want.