how to win my wife back

Nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Some of you might be in a situation now where you’re separated or considering separation, but you’re wondering how to win your wife back. Maybe you’re still living in the same house but sleeping on the couch, or perhaps you’re just emotionally distant. Whatever your specific situation is, there are things you can do to repair the divide in your marriage.

Don’t Fall For These Common Mistakes

There are three common mistakes that many men make when they feel like their wives are leaving them. The first mistake is begging and pleading for their wife not to go. So much of your identity and future is tied to your marriage, so it’s understandable that you might panic. But utilizing the guilt card to try and keep your wife with you rarely ever works. It’s an emotional response based on fear, not on reason.

The second mistake we often see when a man is trying to win back his wife is they make it difficult for them to leave. What does that mean? One way that husbands do this is through finances. Hiding money if they have a joint account or withholding money if the wife doesn’t make enough to survive might force them to stay for a time. However, this will only create a more significant rift in your marriage that likely can’t be repaired.

Another way husbands can make it difficult for their wives to leave is by reputation bashing. This is more prevalent in situations where the wife is leaving for someone else, but it involves telling people in person and on social media all the bad things your wife has done. The hope is that she decides the emotional pain isn’t worth it and will stay, but it will likely just accelerate a divorce.

Don’t Invade Their Privacy

The third mistake commonly made when trying to prevent your wife from leaving is snooping. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Everyone has wondered what their wife might be doing if they’ve separated, but there is a line that can’t be crossed. Examining phone records, logging into her email and social media, and checking her phone when she’s not looking are invasions of privacy. Husbands have gone so far as to place trackers in her car, cameras in her bedroom, and even microphones under her bed. None of these behaviors are acceptable.

Snooping in a relationship typically leads to two things. The first is that it gives you access to information that makes it even more challenging to stand for your marriage. You’re likely to find correspondence or other information that will only hurt you more. We call this pain shopping. The second thing is your wife’s anger when she finds out that you were snooping. Either of these outcomes will likely end your marriage rather than save it.

At their core, each of these three mistakes is an attempt to control your wife. Even if your wife were to stay, she would only be staying because your manipulation made her feel she had to, not because she wanted to. Instead of facing the issue that is causing your wife to leave, you’ve now forced her into a situation she feels stuck in. People don’t leave what they have unless they think there’s something better. The only way to reignite the love in your marriage is to tackle the real problem.

So How Do You Win Your Spouse Back?

The best and most direct way to win your wife back is to become the best version of yourself. You can only control yourself in this situation. If you’re willing to look close enough, you’ll probably be able to discover attitudes and behaviors within yourself that are contributing to the problem. So, how do you become the best version of yourself?

Here at Marriage Helper, we focus on what we call the PIES. This is an acronym we have that stands for physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. So how does this relate to improving yourself? Remember, people don’t leave what they have unless they think there is something better. So becoming a better you physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually will make it harder for your spouse to leave. Or, if she’s already gone, it will make it much easier for her to return.

We encourage you to look at each of these categories individually and rate yourself on a 10-point scale. For example, physically, you might look at things such as weight, how you dress, or even your hygiene. Be honest with yourself. It can be especially hard to be truthful about your physical attributes. Intellectually consider when the last time you read a book was? Are you easy to talk to, a good listener, and can hold a conversation? Emotionally look to ensure you’re not bringing non-marital issues into your marriage. Do you prioritize yourself enough to do things that you enjoy in life? If you’re a religious person, spiritually, are you practicing what you preach? Are you following your beliefs and values and becoming the kind of person you respect and love?

The Work Is Never-Ending

A big key in life is never to stop learning and growing. The same is true in your marriage. Take the scores from your self-evaluation and make a plan to improve the areas you scored low in. Once your wife sees your dedication to improvement, it will open the door to reconciliation. While your improvements might fix part of the issues and entice your wife to stay, be sure that you’re having candid conversations about all the problems in your marriage.

In the end, we hope that avoiding the three most common mistakes and working on your PIES can help you win your wife back. But, in the worst-case scenario, you’re becoming the best you can be for any future relationships you have. And that is worth the hard work.

To find out how to be the best you can be, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, check out the Art of Attraction Toolkit. 

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