The things we've heard
Hi. I'm one of the coaches here. In 2015, I wanted to end my own marriage. Marriage Helper showed me that my situation was not unique. So much of what I was feeling was common to almost every couple in crisis.
In the years since, I've seen first hand how the same words show up again and again when people are hurting. I also remember how alone I felt saying them. Below is a list of the phrases we hear most. We share it not to ridicule anyone, but to show you that most people feel and say strikingly similar things. The goal is simply to help you feel less alone.
If you are standing for your marriage and your spouse says some of these, please don't dismiss them. They are expressing genuine feelings. But know this too: feelings change. Mine did. Every phrase here was collected from real people, and many of them are reconciled today.
There is always hope.
- I don't want to give you any hope.
- I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for a long time.
- I can't live like this. I just want to be happy and live my life.
- You deserve to be happy and to be loved.
- I don't love you the way a husband should love his wife.
- I don't want to hurt you anymore.
- I don't want to end up hating you.
- Standing for our marriage is just you being selfish.
- I've just stayed with you all these years out of guilt.
- I don't think we can ever get past this.
- It's not about her/him. If it wasn't her/him it would be someone else.
- If it doesn't work out I'll come back to you.
- I'm not trying to hurt you.
- Don't worry about the kids, everyone will be fine.
- I don't love you anymore.
- I never loved you.
- I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore.
- Our marriage was terrible.
- All I want is to co-parent and for you to leave me alone.
- This change in you is too little too late.
- There isn't anything you can do or improve. It's just YOU.
- I should have told you long ago that I was never happy.
- You and I can't ever connect.
- No, there's nobody else! She's just a friend!
- I never should have married you in the first place.
- We were never right for each other.
- Getting divorced is the only right thing to do.
- I just want to be selfish and do what I want to do.
- I can only think about myself now because I always thought about everyone else before.
- So, do you want me to be unhappy for the rest of my life?
- I tried for a long time.
- Don't the kids just want me to be happy?
- We are too far gone for reconciliation.
- We have just been surviving for years.
- I never knew what love was until now.
- I just want to be happy.
- I feel like I'm giving you false hope just by being in the house.
- I can't stand the thought of the other person being with someone else.
- I am not happy in our marriage and have not been for a while.
- We aren't soul mates.
- I just want a friendly divorce.
- You deserve better than me.
- You should move on and date other people so you can be happy.
- I just want us both to be happy.
- You will never change.
- We have nothing in common.
- I've given everything I can to this marriage.
- You are a great mom, the kids will be fine with you.
- I will always be there for the children and for you.
- I just need to be on my own right now, and focus on myself and my happiness.
- Life is too short to be unhappy.
- I will never be able to love you the way you deserve.
- I have never felt this way before.
- I care deeply about you, but I don't love you.
- I didn't mean for this to happen.
- Why don't you find someone else that makes you happy?
- I'm done fixing. I've tried fixing us for years.
- My decision is made. There is nothing you can do to change my mind.
- I am trying to find myself.
- Our marriage has become toxic. I am doing this for my sanity.
- Why are you with me if you can't get what you need from me?
- You are better off without me.
- I can't help what I feel.
- It is too late. I have checked out.
- Coaching, counseling, the workshop won't change anything.
- I have forgiven myself. I'm at peace with leaving.
- I don't see you as my wife. Not sure if I ever did.
- People get divorced all the time.
- We're not compatible.
- You never met my needs.
- I deserve to experience real love.
- We should never have gotten married.
- I'm not willing to work on this anymore.
- It's not adultery because we've been separated for a while.
- I just want to live alone and not answer to anyone.
- I don't want to come back out of guilt, because I will just resent you.
- I can't envision a future with you.
- When I look back, I realize I never had any passion for you.
- I'm just not attracted to you anymore.
- I feel guilty having sex with you. I don't want to give you the wrong idea.
- I wish I had never met you.
- I married you out of obligation.
- I cannot change my feelings for her.
- I feel trapped and need some space.
- Our marriage was a lie.
- I need to figure out who I am.
- The kids will be fine. It is better to have two happy homes than one unhappy home.
- You will thank me one day. I am doing you a favor.
- Why don't you go on some dating sites? There's someone out there better suited for you.
- I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for a long time. I just want to be happy.
- I'm not willing to work on our relationship anymore. I don't want help. I'm just done.
If any of these sound familiar, you are not at the end.
Feelings change. We have watched it happen for more than three decades. Start where you are.
Find your starting point