Imagine this scenario. You are sitting at home after a long day of work or household duties, and you’re waiting to surprise your husband. The house looks clean, dinner is ready to go, you look pretty, you feel nice, and you know when your husband enters through that door, the first thing he’ll do is shower you with all this affection and love. He will feel so overwhelmed with joy because you put so much time and effort into creating this lovely home environment that, without a doubt, it is going down the minute he steps in.
He comes home, and instead of showing you all this enthusiasm you were hoping for, the complete opposite happens. Your husband barely says a word to you. He winds down, watches tv, reads a book, or just blankly occupies his time on the phone without really acknowledging your presence or expressing how happy he is to see you. With this consistent form of disconnect, you are probably thinking to yourself, “Why isn’t my husband paying attention to me or “how can I get my husband’s attention?
Unfortunately, this zombie husband scenario happens to many women, especially couples seasoned in marriage. Today, we’re going to talk all about what to do if you are fighting for your husband’s attention, the steps to take if your approaches are not working, and how to avoid pushing your husband away trying to get it.
Why Your Husband Is Not Paying Attention to You
There are numerous reasons why your husband is not showing you the attention and time you want. A few reasons include:
Unsettled conflict within himself or his past
These are some potential pulling factors diverting his attention. It’s not always apparent why your spouse is drawing away from you, but typically something is happening inside of him, pulling in focus inward or outside pulling it outward. Outward forces can also include marriage problems that cause him to disengage and shut down emotionally.
If you feel this way, the first thing to do is calm your nerves and avoid getting angry, leading to an argument. It is easy to feel unwanted, unloved, or even raise suspicions in your mind about your husband’s behaviors when he’s not home. Thinking this way will send you down a rabbit hole of confusion and made-up thoughts in your head, which may cause you to do something drastic. Avoid this at all costs.
Behaviors That Push Your Spouse Away From You
When women feel unnoticed or ignored in their marriages, they generally do one of four things in hopes of gaining their husband’s attention. At Marriage Helper, we call them P.U.S.H behaviors. PUSH is an acronym demonstrating common behaviors both men and women do that push their spouses further away instead of bringing them closer. Standard female push behaviors include:
P: Pleading, Begging, Whining
Feeling ignored or abandoned by your spouse may cause you to do things that include whining or pleading for attention which is a normal human reaction. It stems from learned behaviors as a child where if you cry, your caregiver or spouse will see how much this is hurting you and come running to fix the problem. This is not how it works in marriage. Behaviors like these cause your partner to draw further away from you because it’s just too much. You are creating a space that is not getting your needs across to your spouse so that they can hear you and act accordingly. Begging and whining are annoying actions that force them to disengage, therefore, leaving your efforts ineffective.
Becoming unengaged in your relationship is the opposite of pleading, begging, and whining. Disengagement is completely ignoring your partner, for instance, giving the silent treatment to get your point across. Not only is this a manipulative approach to communication, but it is also impractical. Your partner may feel so consumed with their personal lives; they don’t realize you ignore them or feel confused about what’s happening. In your mind, it may seem like a good idea, thinking, “If I ignore them, they will pursue me,” but the majority of the time, it results in unawareness and gaining less attention.
S: Starting Unnecessary Fights
Women tend to build thoughts in their minds about the lack of attention they receive which turns into, “he doesn’t care how I’m feeling,” “he just wants his alone time,” or “can’t he see how this is affecting the family?” Stacking these thoughts creates an argument in your mind before your husband enters the space and blows the argument way out of proportion since you’ve had time to dwell on it. Unnecessary fights point blame towards your spouse, making them feel attacked. A better alternative is peacefully approaching your spouse and asking, “what’s going on?” or “I feel ignored. Is there something causing you to disengage?”
H: Hovering, Tracking, Controlling
The H is a tactic that women use when they feel like their husbands are sneaking around behind their backs. In a marriage, it is normal to consider that if your husband is not giving you attention, he is giving it to another woman. Avoid controlling or hovering actions such as snooping through his phone, following his every move, or trying to control your husband because he may feel a sense of distrust or an invasion of privacy. Suspicions or stalking causes paranoia and frustration for both you and your husband. It may feel tempting to try and catch him in the act, but going through his possessions will worsen the situation.
Get Your Spouse to Start Paying Attention to You Again
You learned all about push behaviors and what not to do, so what can you start today to get your husband’s attention and even fall deeper in love than before? You start doing the things that will attract your husband back and increase his pull toward you. We teach you how to do this with our FREE ONLINE MINI-COURSE, packed with quick videos and tips on getting your spouse to feel attracted to you again, increasing your pull behaviors, and building back the love that brought you together in the first place.
At Marriage Helper, we have helped thousands of couples in marriage crisis’, coaching and guiding them through the most challenging points in their marriages. Contact us online today to learn more about our courses and the free resources we offer. With a 70% success rate of mending relationships, we know if anything works, this will.