time to call it quits on your marriage


Today’s Question: My wife dropped the big bombshell, you know, wanting to divorce.

She said there was no emotional connection anymore. That I didn’t relate to her enough when she would reach out to talk to me. I had some issues I was dealing with and got over them. 

I agreed for a separation, moved out, and we’re going on six months apart now. Basically I’ve noticed since this whole separation started, we’re communicating like how it used to be the first five, six years of us being together. We just hit a little roadblock.

I know in all marriages it takes two for things that either grow or grow apart. And I believe that through time, we’ve made a lot of progress in reconnecting and in our communication skills. 

Periodically I’ll ask her, “How are things?” She keeps saying, “Well, I still haven’t really figured out my life yet.”  And I’ve got to draw the line in the sand. 

And I was just wanting to know…is there a normal time frame period of a separation? I mean, we talk quite a bit. Five, six times a week. Go out on little dates, things like that. I still help out with the family things. But I just seem to think if she’s so adamant about a divorce, why hasn’t she filed?

I gave her the time and space she needed…but how long do you think is long enough? I’m going to give it a year. That’ll be this October. Do you think it should go past that? Am I on the right track?


Answer: When you’re in a tough marriage situation, it’s hard to know what your “next right move” should be. It’s confusing. It’s scary. You don’t want to be taken advantage of, yet at the same time you don’t want to “push” your spouse away even further.

Unfortunately, there’s no definite time frame that we would recommend. Like it’s this long or that long.

But it sounds to me like it’s going in the right direction. What I heard you say, was not only are you talking four or five times a week, but you actually used the word “dates.” Like you’re going on many dates. 

So it looks like things may be headed in a good direction. 

When you say, “Well, why hasn’t she filed for divorce yet? Obviously I can’t answer that question for you because I don’t know her. And I wouldn’t know how to answer that. But going just by what you’re telling me, it appears that you guys are actually making progress. You’re actually moving forward. 

And so if you’re asking about a timeframe, what we would typically recommend is this: As long as you’re making progress, then why not continue to make the progress?

If it takes six months, it takes a year, whatever, if you’re actually making progress. And that’s what you’re telling me, at least that’s what I’m hearing. I’m hearing you say that you are making progress.

So if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t be thinking about an end date. If I were in your shoes, I’d be saying, “let’s just continue to make this progress.” 

Now obviously I can’t guarantee you anything, but I think you’re on the right path, my friend. So keep doing what you’re doing.



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