7 Ways to Save Your Marriage, Even If Your Spouse Wants Out

It’s a helpless, frustrating feeling that consumes your mind and ravages your heart. It steals your sleep. You desperately want to know how to save your marriage, but you have no answers. You don’t even know if it’s possible to save your marriage if your spouse wants out.

Especially when your spouse keeps saying that it’s over. He gets furious when you try to talk about it. Sometimes he yells it, other times he shows no emotion, but the message is always the same: “You’re making it worse and driving me to leave faster when you try to do anything to save our marriage.”

You don’t know how the person you love, who once so deeply loved you, can now treat you as if you are the enemy. You long for any sign of affection: a hug, a smile, even a kind word. You ache in a way you can’t explain, a pain that never lets up during the day and wakes you at night, if you can fall asleep at all.

Maybe you keep asking yourself, “What can I do? Can I say the right thing or find some miracle that will save my marriage? I know people tell me to stop trying, but I don’t want to give up.”

What makes it worse is that the spouse who wants out is right when she says your trying pushes her away. It usually does. If she wants out of the marriage and you keep pushing, she’ll get more aggravated, say meaner things, and look for a faster way out.

Does that mean there is no hope? Should you give up and accept that it’s over?

No.

Are there magic words, or some amazing thing you can do, that will suddenly change your spouse’s mind?

Also no.

Here’s what I mean.

Why your spouse wants out

Marriages rarely end because of one argument or one specific mistake. They end because one or both spouses stop feeling liked, loved, or respected. If your spouse has said they want out, somewhere along the way they stopped feeling those things.

The good news is that feelings can change. And you can take the lead in changing how your spouse feels about you and your marriage, even if they aren’t ready to work on it right now.

At Marriage Helper we have a saying: people don’t leave what they have unless they believe what they’re going to is better. That might sound deflating, but it isn’t. Your spouse fell in love with you once, and they can fall in love with you again.

The answer isn’t trying harder. Apologizing over and over, saying all the right things, and walking on eggshells can still push your spouse further away. It’s about trying smarter: stop what pushes them away, then do what draws them back. These are the seven ways.

1. Don’t give up too soon

Most people who give up on their marriage do it too soon, so give it a real chance first.

Some of your friends, maybe even your counselor or pastor, may tell you to give up. Though I spend my life helping people save marriages others consider hopeless, I agree there can come a time to accept that a marriage is over and move on to a different life. If your spouse leaves you and moves on, that time may come.

But in 32 years of working with thousands of couples, I’ve seen giving up happen far too early. When you accept that it’s over and disconnect from your spouse emotionally, mentally, and physically, that won’t bring them back to you.

I don’t blame people for reaching a point of pain where they can’t go further. Yet I’ve watched the success of those who hung on a little longer. That success came only when they did the right things. Staying just to stay may help a little, but staying and doing the right things gives your marriage a far greater chance.

2. Stop clinging, begging, and pleading

Begging feels like love, but it pushes a spouse who wants out even further away.

When someone we love is about to leave, our natural reaction is to cling. We start doing it as children, when we first realize what it means to be separated from mom or dad. It works for kids. It doesn’t work for adults.

You can push harder, demand, cling, beg, and do all sorts of things to pressure your spouse to stay. Most people do, because they love deeply and desperately want to save their marriages. Unfortunately, it drives the other person away even faster.

Think of it this way: attraction draws people together, and repulsion drives them apart. No one is attractive when they fall apart emotionally, cry, whine, or beg. Human compassion usually draws us toward a person in pain, but it pushes us away from a person whose pain we’re causing when we have no intention of stopping.

The emotions behind clinging are powerful. They just don’t save marriages.

3. Don’t become a doormat

Giving in to every demand won’t bring your spouse back; be strong, calm, and gentle instead.

You can give in to all your spouse’s demands and let them decide everything. I see it regularly. The departing spouse gets angrier, threatens to take the children, or brings about financial penalties, and the spouse who wants to save the marriage goes along with all of it, hoping their spouse will come to their senses.

It doesn’t work. Anger and threats freeze you into doing nothing, so the departing spouse can leave with the least amount of difficulty.

Don’t agree to things you aren’t comfortable with, like financial decisions, just because you’re afraid your spouse will get mad. You can stand your ground without being mean or rude. We call it being strong, calm, and gentle.

4. Work on yourself: your PIES

Attraction draws people together, so become the best version of yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

No, not literal pie. PIES.

P = physical

I = intellectual

E = emotional

S = spiritual

Those are the four general ways we are attracted to another person.

Physical attraction is easy enough to understand. It doesn’t matter what age you are or your body type. Your spouse was attracted to you physically at one time, so be as physically attractive as you can at your age and stage of life. You can’t be 21 again if you’re 42, but you can be the best 42-year-old you can be.

Intellectual attraction means we have enough in common that we understand each other and stimulate each other’s minds. Find new ways to learn. Take a class. Join a book club. When you talk with your spouse, have conversations that engage both of your minds instead of discussing your problems. (That means you aren’t talking about marriage or relationships at all, or you may find your spouse doesn’t want to be in the conversation.)

Emotional attraction happens when a person does things that bring out emotions we enjoy feeling: they make us laugh, feel special, feel safe. Remember what you did that brought out good emotions in your spouse, and do those things again. But don’t do anything they might see as manipulative. (Don’t bring her flowers if she wants to leave you; that will backfire.) If he used to like walking with you, ask him to go for a walk with a simple promise that you won’t bring up your problems. It’s just a walk.

Spiritual attraction doesn’t specifically mean religion. It means a person’s beliefs and values. We tend to be drawn to people we see as sharing our values, or as living them better than we do. Live up to the time in your life when you most liked what you believed and valued. Don’t parade it. Be the best you that you’ve ever been.

This doesn’t mean changing who you are at your core or pretending to be someone you’re not. It means becoming “the better,” so that when your spouse compares what they have with what they think is out there, coming home looks better than leaving.

5. Accept your spouse without arguing

People feel loved when they feel accepted, so accept what your spouse feels without arguing them out of it.

The key to love is acceptance. When a person feels accepted as they are, instead of having to live up to someone else’s expectations, they feel truly loved. You don’t accept that your spouse wants to leave, and you don’t have to. But if you can accept what they feel without arguing or explaining why their feelings are wrong, you can begin to understand why they want to leave.

I watched a wife do this so well while her husband made plans to leave and be with his lover. He finally told me that the only two people who understood him were his lover and his wife. He said his wife was becoming his best friend. He could talk with her about anything, even his desire to be with his lover.

That is a very tough thing to do. But it worked. She never approved of his adultery, but her strength in accepting him brought him back into a relationship with her. He ended his affair, asked for and received her forgiveness, and together they made their marriage good again.

6. Forgive, for your own freedom

Forgiveness isn’t approval of what your spouse did; it frees you and keeps resentment from pushing them further away.

You may not feel like forgiving, and I understand. Your spouse has probably said or done things that hurt you deeply. But if you hold on to grudges and let anger build, it will change how you feel about your marriage, how you feel about your spouse, and how you treat your spouse, which can push them further away.

Forgive for you. You aren’t saying you agree with or approve of what your spouse is doing. You’re forgiving because it frees you, and because it leaves room to learn to love each other again.

7. Make your marriage a place they want to come back to

Stop the habits that destroy love, so your spouse can feel liked, loved, and respected again.

If you’ve been doing any of these, stop:

• Controlling your spouse
• Constantly nagging
• Telling your spouse they need to change before you’ll love them, whether you say it in words or show it in actions

None of those let love grow. Instead, calm the tension between you so real conversations become possible again, and rebuild trust in small, steady ways. You’re becoming a better spouse right now, and when your spouse does come back, putting your marriage back together will be so much easier.

What if you’re the only one trying?

You don’t need your spouse to agree before you start. Every one of these seven ways is something you can do on your own, and when one spouse changes how they show up, the whole marriage changes with them. Here is more on saving your marriage when you’re the only one trying.

It can feel very lonely. The people you’ve turned to may have said you’re crazy for wanting to stay, or judged you, or maybe you’re just embarrassed to tell anyone. All of that is understandable. Find a few people who will support you in fighting for your marriage, because you need that support right now.

Will these always work?

No. We both know that. Many of the people I’ve watched do these things got their spouses back, but it didn’t solve all of their problems at once. They had more to do to make their marriage what it should be. It’s a process, not a magic pill.

The first thing, the only thing you need to focus on right now, is what you can do to soften you: your outlook, how you interact with your spouse, and your own resolve. When your spouse starts coming back around, then you work on how to reconcile. That isn’t where you are yet.

Where to start

Whatever your marriage is facing, it didn’t happen overnight, and one article can’t cover every part of saving it. But you have more reason for hope than you think.

Start with the free LovePath quiz. In about two minutes it shows you which of the four stages of love your marriage is in, and gives you a free guide made for your stage.

If your spouse isn’t ready, you can still start. Our coaching starts with you, even if your spouse wants nothing to do with it yet.

If you’re both ready, the three-day Couples Workshop is where couples start. We can help even in cases of infidelity, loss of trust, anger, sexual problems, or a spouse who wants to leave.