(0:00) If you want to win back your husband or wife, then this is for you. If you’re thinking, “You don’t understand. My marriage is too far gone. They’re too angry. They’re too disconnected. It’s absolutely hopeless,” then I’m going to tell you I disagree.
I don’t believe that any marriage is absolutely hopeless. I believe that most marriages can be saved, even if it seems absolutely impossible right now.
Why do I believe this? Over the past 20 years, Marriage Helper, and the team that we have here, worked with over 250,000 people that have gone through our courses, seminars, and trainings and we have saved 77% of the marriages that we work with in our workshops.
We’ve seen the craziest situations saved.
We’ve seen the most disconnected spouses saved, the ones that were only coming to our workshop for the divorce papers to be signed, for only for co-parenting, and only for last ditch efforts- saved.
So even though you might feel like it’s impossible, I believe there’s hope.
I want to share with you a couple of quick things that you can start doing that can hopefully lead you toward bringing your spouse back.
Here’s the thing. This stuff really works. I’ve seen it work thousands of times with thousands of people in thousands of different situations. But here’s the thing. It’s not a guarantee. I’m not going to be one of those people saying, “Here’s the one phrase you need to say for your spouse to come running back into your arms and lusting after you for the rest of your life.” No. It’s not any false guarantee, but it is a guarantee that:
If anything can work to get your spouse to start coming back to you, then this will and this can.
I’m excited to share that with you today.
#1- “Soften” Toward Your Spouse
(2:01) The first thing that you can do in this situation is to soften.
Soften? What in the world does that mean? Here’s what that means.
Our minds are the most important part of our body that affects us. That is, whatever we’re thinking about, whatever we believe, or whatever we’re ruminating on, our thoughts change everything else about us. They can change our body language. They can change our tone of voice, the words we say, and the actions we do…
…all because of what we think about.
So, if right now you’re thinking about how:
angry you are at your husband or wife
hurt you are
how much you can’t believe that this happened
or how guilty you feel as if you should have been able to do something to stop this from happening
All of those thoughts affect you. They’re going to affect your actions, reactions, and your interactions that you have with your husband or your wife. And, a lot of those things can make us angry. They can make us emotional.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have these emotions. It is okay to be hurt, angry, or sad. But when you let those emotions control everything about you, it can affect the way that you interact with your spouse.
You can reach a point where you start pushing them away by your actions such as: yelling at them all the time, attacking them every chance you get, telling them “I can’t believe you’re disconnected from me,” or, “why are you treating me this way,” or whatever it might be can inadvertently push them away.
Or maybe, it’s the opposite.
You are so upset, so hurt, and in so much pain because of what they’ve done that every interaction you have with your spouse is you crying or moping.
Or, you do something to try and get them to come back/getting their attention enough to come back, but it’s actually pushing them further away. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have these feelings, but you need to deal with them in healthy way.
You want to soften your feelings about your husband or about your wife so you can clear your mind and have positive communication with them.
#2- Why it’s Helpful to Forgive
(4:31) Another thing you want to do is to be able to forgive what has happened. For example, if your spouse has had an affair, or if they’ve lied to you about something, or if there’s been an addiction going on, it can be very easy to hold that grudge against your spouse.
It can be very easy to use those actions as ammunition against your spouse because you feel like you have gotten the short end of the stick.
But, if you continue to bring those things up, if you continue to hold those grudges, or if you continue to throw things back in your spouse’s face, then you will push them further away. Instead, you want to forgive. While it’s not always easy, you want to be willing to forgive.
#3- Stop Pursuing Your Spouse
(5:10) You also don’t want to pursue your spouse. What does that mean?
You don’t want to chase them.
You don’t want to beg.
You don’t want to wine.
You don’t want to plead.
You don’t want to cry.
You don’t want to do things focused on getting them to stay (that are actually going to push them further away).
No one wants to be begged at. We all want to be pursued in a healthy way. Think about when you feel like someone’s trying to suffocate you, trying to cage you in, or keep you in one place; no one likes feeling controlled in that way.
Instead of pursuing, you want to work on you. At Marriage Helper, we have something called the PIES- working on yourself Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, and Spiritually. Those are the ways you want to start working during this time.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel because we have a ton of videos that talk about PIES and how to attract your spouse back to you. That’s the best way you can make use of your time while trying to win back your husband or your wife.
#4- Stay Strong
(6:16) Lastly, don’t give up.
You’re going to experience two steps forward and one step back during this whole process of trying to win your spouse back.
Some days, it may feel absolutely impossible. Other days, it may feel like you’ve seen some progress. But ultimately, no matter if it’s going well or if it’s going really bad, you want to stay the course- don’t give up.
At Marriage Helper, we can absolutely help you learn more about all of these things. In this article, I really only touched the surface of all the things that you should do in order to win back your husband or your wife.
So, I encourage you to search through more of our articles on MarriageHelper.com. You’ll be able to learn so much more about this.
Be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel and search our videos. Watch more of those. We have so many videos that I’m sure will talk about your specific situation. But if you want, if you don’t see anything about your situation or you’re wanting more guidance right now, comment below [on YouTube]. What is something you’re needing help with to win back your husband or to win back your wife, and how can we help you with that?
If Anything Works, This Will To Win Back Your Husband or Wife.
“You actually want to stay married to this guy?”
She didn’t hesitate a moment. Yes, she wanted to get her husband back. They were in their forties, married about twenty years, with a couple of children. One evening he told her he was in love with his assistant, that he already had a lawyer, and suggested she procure one for herself.
At least that last part was different. Often the abandoning spouse tries to convince the other that he will be nicer in the divorce – and they each could save a lot of money – if she would agree to let his lawyer handle everything. It’s a way to manipulate the outcome and many spouses fall for it, thinking that keeping him (or her) calm provides better opportunities to potentially salvage the marriage.
Making the path to divorce easier may keep the abandoning spouse calmer, but keeping him or her calm shouldn’t be the goal.
In my work with marriages over nearly twenty years, I’ve learned that rather than making divorce easier, anyone who wishes to salvage a marriage (get a husband back or a wife back) should make it harder. Much harder.
That’s what I told Sally.
“If you really want this marriage to work, I’ll guide you through a step-by-step process to save it. If anything works, this will. Understand me clearly, IF anything works, this will. I can’t guarantee success but it works more than 75% of the time.”
Before sharing with you the steps I guided Sally through, I’ll give you the good news; it worked. It wasn’t easy and didn’t happen overnight, but by doing the right things she created a climate that ultimately led to the saving of her marriage. Her husband abandoned his lover, returned home, and worked on falling in love with his wife again. That was nearly twenty years ago. They’re still together and still in love.
For the last dozen years I’ve been teaching the same principles to couples who come to my intensive workshop for marriages in crisis. I’ve seen it work with just about any situation you can imagine, not just adultery but also marriages plagued with anger problems, a controlling spouse, disrespect, disinterest, and more.
How To Get Your Husband Or Wife Back
So what advice did I give? What works if anything will? Here is the short and simplified version. We provide a much more detailed and customized version in our workshop.
Accept the Person but Not the Actions
Never accept the sinful actions of another, but try to understand and accept what is behind the sin. What led the person to those actions? Was it pain? Feelings of neglect or disrespect? Even if you consider it imaginary, accept what your spouse sees has his/her reality and be very open to the possibility that you played a part in causing your spouse to feel the way he/she feels. That doesn’t make you the “bad guy” or the other person the “good guy.” It simply makes each of you human beings.
Be Ready to Forgive
I regularly see people who work hard to get back a husband or wife and as soon as the spouse turns, the anger overwhelms the spouse trying to save the marriage. At that point he or she doesn’t want to forgive. I’m warning you, don’t try to save your marriage unless you intend to follow through by learning to forgive. That doesn’t make the hurt instantly go away; it makes it possible for it to go away. That also doesn’t mean that you aren’t entitled to know who, what, when and where but that is a delicate matter for each of you that we’ve found often needs a third party or at least a constructive plan.
Such a plan is outlined in my article, “How to Confess An Affair without Losing Your Spouse.” It’s written more for the straying spouse, but it will likely help you understand that this type of conversation needs the right mindset, environment and forethought (maybe even professional help).
There are steps that the other person will need to take in order for you to be able to do this to the level necessary to save your marriage long term. But in the short term, while your spouse still wants to leave, you need to find a way to forgive them using a broad stroke. If your spouse feels he/she is just going to be punished by coming back, it’s very unlikely to happen.
The next steps are about strategy to get your spouse back. In some ways, they’ll act as your secret weapon in winning back your spouse. But you must be confident that they’ll work so that you’ll stick with them even if you feel the urge to do the things you shouldn’t. Like I said at the start of this article, if anything will work, this will.
If you beg, whine, cling, or try to manipulate your mate into staying, you push them away faster.
Give the other person space to breathe. If you don’t leave them alone, you aren’t allowing him/her the opportunity to miss you. You probably need to take a step back in order to create a vacuum that the other person will see and feel. Don’t be rude or mean but don’t make them feel that they are all you’ve got. Use the smart contact rule. Make yourself scarce. That’s one of the keys to attraction and that leads us to the next step.
Do the PIES
Make yourself attractive physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Do it for you but it also will affect the other person.
I’m not telling you that you have to compete with your spouse’s lover to win back your husband or wife. Simply attempt to be as attractive as you can at your stage in life. Get involved with a local gym, go for walks or bike rides, join a book club, and/or sign up for classes at church. Not only will those things help make you more attractive physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually, but they’ll give you things to do and new friends to enjoy to help you resist the urge to pursue or be clingy toward the straying spouse.
No seriously. If you mope around and sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, your spouse is not going to want to come back to you. Do you want to be around people who are constantly complaining, whining and negative? Do you feel attracted to those types of people? No you don’t.
Let your spouse see you having fun. By that I don’t mean that you go over the top or fake it. Go out with your friends (preferably of the same gender) and have a good time. Go see a comedy at the movie theater, go to the mall, go to concerts-just have fun. Even if your spouse is not there to see, it’s possible that he/she will hear about it. Or maybe they’ll call about something and you’re too busy having fun to talk (that’s a good thing because it shows them that you have a life and a world that doesn’t revolve around them). At the very least you’ll be making yourself a more fun and attractive person.
One final thing to keep in mind on this strategy step is that if you’re having fun, you’re probably doing the other things right too.
Do the Work
It isn’t easy to put a marriage back together when your spouse wants a divorce and to win back a husband or wife, but the LovePath works. If you do the things mentioned above to stay on the path, you’ll likely pull your spouse back to walking the path with you.
It’s important to limit your panic. Do your best to stay cool, calm and collected so that you can focus on what you need to do to apply the strategies mentioned in this article. There are other strategies that I might be able to provide in future articles but because of their complexity, I don’t have the space or time at the moment.
If your marriage is in danger of separation or divorce, call us at (866) 903-0990 to speak with someone or use the form below to request more information about our Marriage Helper workshop for troubled marriages that can help you get your husband or wife back. Our success rate over the last decade is saving three out of four marriages, even when adultery, porn, anger, or other things have deeply hurt the relationship! (If you’re thinking your spouse would never come, contact us by phone or the form below and we’ll tell you what others who felt the same way did to get their spouses there.) We will keep everything you tell us completely confidential. Our motivation is to help you determine if this workshop is right for your particular situation. We also offer solutions for couples who can’t attend the workshop.