If you feel like you are no longer attracted to your husband, do not tell him–at least not like that. And don’t bow out. Read this article, because every single bit of it is going to be important. And then, at the end, I’m going to share with you how you can get access to a complimentary freebie that we have for you that will help re-spark the attraction and love you feel like you’re missing in your marriage right now. I’ll tell you about that at the end, but for now, what do you do when you feel like you’re no longer attracted to your husband?
My name is Kimberly Holmes. I’m the CEO of Marriage Helper, and I also have done a lot of research about attraction. I’ve also worked with thousands of couples over the past several years in my role at Marriage Helper. In addition, I have done other things to help couples work through stuff like this – become attracted and attractive to each other again, and have a better marriage than ever before.
There are two “worst” things that you can do when you no longer feel attracted to your husband.
The first thing is to tell them. And the second-worst thing that you can do is not tell them. What do I mean? What are you supposed to do if you’re not supposed to tell them, but you’re not supposed to not tell them. Let me explain what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to think about how you tell them. Let me explain it to you with a story.
Several years ago, I had a friend who was dating this guy, and they had started dating in winter. Summer came around, and it was time for them to start going to the pool with each other. So they did. And the first time they went to the pool together, he said to her, “You know, you would look so much better in that bathing suit if you lost 15 pounds.” Every woman watching this video just wanted to drop an elbow on that guy, right? Of course, you don’t say that to someone! But how many times have you may have inadvertently said something similar like that to your husband, which automatically made him feel like he wasn’t attractive, he wasn’t good enough, and he wasn’t loved?
You see, we do need to address when we no longer feel attracted to our spouse. In this instance, we’re talking about being attracted to our husbands. We need to address it, but not like that. Not in a way that will make them feel like they need to change how they look, how they act, or what they do for us to love them. There’s a different way to approach it that I promise will lead to much better end results.
There are four ways that we are attracted to other people…
Physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. You have probably heard us talk about that before if you’ve watched any other Marriage Helper videos or resources. But the key for this video is to realize that when you become un-attracted to someone, you can typically become un-attracted in any of those four ways. You can become un-attracted physically, intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually. What does that mean?
It means that when you first started dating, you were probably attracted to your husband because of something about how he looked. Intellectually, there was something you both were able to connect about and share. Maybe you thought he was super smart in one area, or you had shared hobbies or interests. Emotionally, you loved the way that he made you feel. Spiritually, you believed he was a good person, and he had beliefs and values that aligned with yours. The more you were attracted in these four areas, the larger your overall attraction was towards your husband.
Now, when we become un-attracted, it can be because someone’s looks change, because intellectually they disconnect from us and we stop having the shared interest or shared hobbies, or maybe because we began to continue learning intellectually and growing our minds and doing those things and we feel like our husband doesn’t. That can cause “un-attraction.” Spiritually, it could be because beliefs and values begin to change, and you feel like the husband you married isn’t the same husband with the beliefs and values you shared. Or emotionally, the things your husband used to do that made you feel loved and cherished and valued, he’s no longer doing. Or now he’s doing things that are making you feel unloved, unwanted, and un-cherished; pushing you away, not listening to you, being controlling to you.
And it’s interesting when we look at the research because it evaluates attraction primarily based on the physical. Are you no longer physically attracted to your spouse? I plan to redo a lot of this research once I finish my Ph.D., because you’re not just talking about physical attraction. Once emotional appeal goes away, then you can physically begin to become repelled by someone. But guess what? Your husband could look the same, and if he were treating you well, you would find him more physically attractive. If he’s treating you like crap, then you don’t see him as physically attractive. Physical attraction can change in our minds based on the way the person makes us feel.
When you say that you’re no longer attracted to your spouse, I want you to ask yourself why.
There’s something that’s driving that. It may be just physical. It may be something intellectual. Or, it may be something spiritual, but more than likely, it’s going to be that he’s doing something that is evoking emotions you don’t like feeling about yourself. Now it could be any of these four, but I would place a bet that it’s going to be in that area of emotional attraction.
So, what do you do?
Well, first of all, it helps to understand what the core issue is. Because if you go to him and say, “you need to lose some weight”, which again, you shouldn’t do, but if that is what you are going to try and ask him to do, you’re missing the mark. Because if he ends up looking like a bodybuilder and still treats you like crap, it doesn’t fix any issue. So it would help if you got clear on what you want from your husband. What will you ask your husband to do for you because that’s how we will approach this. The goal is for you to then go to your husband and tell him what you need. Not what he needs to do differently, but what you need.
So maybe you approach him and say, “Hey, we haven’t been spending as much time together as we used to. Date nights have fallen by the wayside. I would appreciate it if we could have a date night, just the two of us, at least once a month. That’s what I need.” Or maybe you go to him and say, “I need for us to have more time talking at the end of each day, listening to each other. So when I have things that I need to bring to you, I would appreciate it if you would get off your phone and pay attention to me because it’s starting to feel like you’re too busy for me.”
That is so much better to approach your husband and ask it that way than going to him and saying, “you never spend time with me anymore, you never listen to me, and you need to lose 20 pounds.” That’s not going to be met with sunshine and rainbows. If that’s how you approach it with your husband, it’s going to be met with defensiveness. He’s going to feel like you’re attacking him, which you are, and it’s not going to end well. So instead, we want to approach that conversation with: here’s what I need. Here’s how I feel. And here’s the key, how can we solve this together? That is the best thing that you can do.
Here is the best thing that you can do:
First, identify what it is you need. What has begun pushing you away and has led you to feel like you’re not attracted to your husband? The second thing is for you to chill a minute. Take that information and just process and simmer. Don’t go to your husband immediately and unload all of this on him, because you need to be sure that when you talk to him about it, you do it even headed, even-keeled, and not out of resentment or anger out of the feelings that you have just processed within yourself. So take some time. Take a day or two, think about it.
And then three, you want to think about how you want to address the issue and open up the conversation. Again, using feeling statements–I feel this way, here’s what I need, how can we solve this together–are the best things you can do. And realize it’s not going to be solved in that one instance. This is going to be something that you continue to work on forever. So don’t try and solve everything in one instance; focus on just one thing. Start there. Don’t overwhelm. Please do not overwhelm your husband with 80 different things you’re going to ask him to do. Pick one and go from there. It would be best if you built relational trust in how you approach your husband and how he responds to you, and how you move forward from there. So that is what you can do.
Remember this, though; you cannot control your husband. Ultimately, you can ask for him to do things, you can share with him why it’s important to you, but you can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. But how you approach the situation can make all the difference.
If you want to go deeper into what you can do to have a better marriage, be more attracted to each other, get our free mini-course. It shares what you can start doing now to work on yourself to attract your husband toward you and inspire him to become more attractive as well. It’s all about what you can do to rebuild that attraction in your marriage, talk to each other better, have better communication, and ultimately move toward a better marriage than ever before. We’ve had over 36,000 people go through this mini-course, and you want to be one of them as well. So we would love to see you in the course. We would love to see you have a better marriage.