Why Men Pull Away In Marriage
The short answer
Men usually pull away because something is either pulling them (work, stress, addiction, grief, or another person) or pushing them (feeling controlled, disrespected, ignored, or unloved). The natural reaction is to push back with pleading and fighting, which only makes it worse. Stop pushing, work on becoming the best version of yourself, and become a safe place he wants to return to.
Key takeaways
- Men pull away when something is pulling them (work, stress, addiction, grief, or another person) or pushing them (feeling controlled, disrespected, ignored, or unloved).
- Pleading, begging, hovering, and starting fights only feed a toxic cycle and push him further away.
- Stop pushing and become the better part of his life by working on yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.
Is your husband pulling away from you, and you don’t know why? In this article, we’ll help you understand why men pull away, what you are probably doing that is making it worse, and what you need to do to pull them back to you.
The First Step Is Self-Reflection
The first thing to consider when you are analyzing why your husband is pulling away is this: Was there something that happened right around the time that your husband started pulling away? Typically, you’re going to see a correlation between the two things.
There is one thing you need to remember when trying to understand why men pull away. People don’t leave what they have unless they believe what they are going to is better. Even if that leaving is mentally or emotionally and not physically, and that includes your husband.
So does that mean that you’re the worst in the world? Absolutely not. It does mean that it’s time to do some self-reflection, though. Typically, people begin to pull away either when something is pulling them away or something is pushing them away.
What are some reasons why men pull away? Things like work, addictions, stress, experiencing any loss or going through grief, or it could even be another person. So what are the things that may push your husband away? Feeling controlled, disrespected, ignored, and even feeling unloved.
Avoid The Toxic Cycle Of Fighting
The second point is: What you are probably doing that’s making it worse. Typically, when a woman’s husband starts pulling away, she begins to push. She begins pleading, begging, and whining. She becomes unengaged or starts unnecessary fights, maybe starts hovering and controlling.
So the question is, are you doing any of these things? You probably don’t mean to be pushing your husband away. In your heart, you love your husband, and you want him back. But the normal reaction, the natural response when we fear losing someone we love, is to try and do everything we can to get them to stay, which we call the push behaviors. And it typically results in all the wrong things. The pushing can lead to a toxic cycle of fighting, and there is only one thing that will stop the cycle from continuing: you.
Become The Better Part Of Your Husband’s Life
This leads to point number three and what you need to do to pull your husband back. It’s based on what we have seen work in the lives of 1000s of people we work with at Marriage Helper. You need to work on becoming the best you can be; stop pushing and start working on yourself.
Remember what we said earlier, that people don’t leave what they have unless they believe what they are going to is better. You can be the better. Things will begin to turn around when you become better than his work life, better than his stress, and better than the life transitions he’s experiencing. Overnight? No. It might take a good one to two years of you focusing on working on yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually before significant change will occur in your marriage. Begin to be a safe place, and don’t use every opportunity to try and get your husband to be a different person or to open up more.
But instead, start using what we teach with the PIES, with SMART contact, and with the LovePath until he finally opens up about his mental and emotional state. That is when your marriage will change. Will it become perfect? No. It’s still a work in progress. But you have to change what you are doing now. And we can teach you what to do and how to do it.
Your Marriage Can Be Saved
At Marriage Helper, we have a free mini-course on how to get your husband back. In less than 30 minutes, you can go through the course and understand how to work on yourself using the PIES methodology. You’ll begin to understand what SMART communication is and how to start using it today and implementing specific tools that, if anything will pull your spouse back, this will.
If you’re not sure what to do next, get in contact with one of our Client Representatives here. They can direct you towards the best next steps for your situation. We believe that there’s always hope.
Common questions
Why is my husband pulling away from me?
Something is usually either pulling him away, like work, stress, addiction, grief, or another person, or pushing him away, like feeling controlled, disrespected, ignored, or unloved. Look for what changed around the time he started pulling back, because there is often a correlation.
What should I stop doing when my husband pulls away?
Stop the push behaviors: pleading, begging, whining, hovering, controlling, and starting unnecessary fights. Those reactions feel natural when you fear losing him, but they only feed a toxic cycle of fighting.
How do I get my husband to come back?
Stop pushing and start becoming the best version of yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. People don't leave what they have unless they believe what they are going to is better, so become the better and a safe place he can open up to. Meaningful change can take one to two years.