The 4 Ways to Re-Attract Your Spouse
The short answer
You re-attract your spouse by working on your own PIES: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual attraction. Emotional attraction matters most, because people want to be with someone who makes them feel good. Put your focus on changing yourself rather than your spouse, since you can only control you. Dr. Kimberly found that working on herself changed her first, then her marriage.
Key takeaways
- Attraction is much more than a physical pull; it has four parts, called the PIES: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual.
- Emotional attraction matters most, because people want to be with someone who makes them feel good, even when they disagree or their bodies change.
- You cannot control your spouse, so put your energy into your own PIES instead of resenting what your spouse does or doesn’t do.
- Work on your PIES for yourself, to become the best version of you, knowing it is a process that takes time and not an instant fix.
The 4 Ways To Attract Your Spouse
There are some MAJOR misconceptions about what attraction is and why it matters.
Often, attraction is seen as a physical connection or draw to someone…but it’s actually so much more than that. With the thousands of couples we’ve worked with, our principle about attraction helped them transform themselves AND their marriage.
What is the principle? We have to first start at the beginning- the process of falling in love.
Once you fall in love, continuing in this process leads you to fall deeper in love. However, if you do not continue the process, you can fall out of love. (And, it all starts with attraction.)
What is attraction? We know it as the “PIES.” The four pieces of attraction are physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual.
Physical attraction is a person’s outward appearance or how a person cares for him/herself. Intellectual attraction describes someone you can talk with, do life with, or have shared interests with.
Emotional attraction is the MOST important part of attraction (and most people do not even realize it!!) Emotional attraction is evoking emotions in someone else that they enjoy feeling.
Spiritual attraction has to do with sharing similar beliefs and values OR seeing someone else’s beliefs and values as better than your own. Many times, if a person is a person of faith, their faith affects (and guides) their beliefs and values.
Wherever you may fall in each of the areas of attraction, hear this: everything comes back to emotional attraction. We say this because everyone wants to be with someone who makes them feel good- even if they disagree, even if their body changes, even if they have different interests. It’s all about maintaining a positive, emotional connection.
In Kimberly’s own life she explains how she focused on her husband’s actions rather than her own actions. All she could see was that her husband was the problem, “If he would do x, y, and z then things would be better.” However, the person she was truly unhappy with was herself. She was focusing so much on her husband, resenting things he was doing, when what she really needed was to focus on herself. (Remember, you cannot control your spouse, but you can control yourself.)
Having the PIES to go back to was ESSENTIAL. Kimberly explains, “All I can do is work on myself. Eventually, not only did it change me- it changed my marriage.”
Falling in love begins with the PIES and staying in love begins with the PIES. You don’t work on your PIES just to attract your spouse back, or just to transform your marriage, you work on your PIES for YOU- to become the best version of you that you can be! Remember, this is not an instant process, but if ANYTHING works, this will!
In our Art of Attraction toolkit, you will learn how to become the most attractive person you can be and why doing these four things will set you up for success, no matter what happens in your marriage.
Be the best YOU. Get your Art of Attraction Toolkit now!
Common questions
What are the four types of attraction in marriage?
The four pieces of attraction, called the PIES, are physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. Physical is how you look and care for yourself, intellectual is being someone your spouse can talk and do life with, and spiritual is sharing beliefs and values.
Which type of attraction matters most in a marriage?
Emotional attraction matters most, and most people don’t realize it. It means stirring up emotions your spouse enjoys feeling, because everyone wants to be with someone who makes them feel good, even when they disagree or their bodies change.
How do I get my spouse to be attracted to me again?
Focus on yourself instead of your spouse, because you can’t control them but you can control you. Dr. Kimberly found that working on her own PIES changed her first and then changed her marriage. It isn’t instant, and it’s about becoming the best version of you.