Divorce is a touchy subject that plagues the relationships of many married couples struggling with whether they should stay together or call it quits for good. If you are married and considering divorce, chances are, you’ve questioned whether you are wasting your time? If you married the wrong person? If you and your spouse lack compatibility? Or maybe enough is enough, and divorce outweighs the stress, arguments, and frustration you experience daily. At Marriage Helper, we dedicate ourselves to helping marriages last a lifetime and supporting couples to work through their differences.
Even though we are pro-marriage, we believe there is an acceptable time and place for divorce under specific circumstances. The difficult question is, when? When is the right time to divorce and walk away, and what is the defining moment to execute this action finally? In this article, you will gain insight into the livelihood of divorced individuals, tips, and resources to try if you are going back and forth with your decision, and when you should finally do it if you are considering divorcing your spouse.
Deciding to Divorce My Spouse
Divorce is a life-altering decision that affects your entire livelihood. Divorce negatively influences many aspects of your life, including your health, finances, lifestyle, emotions, and even the lives and emotions of your children. When deciding between divorce and working things out with your spouse, it is normal to lean on the support of friends and family for emotional and actionable support. As important as it is to express your feelings and concerns to those closest to you, relying on the advice of your loved ones is not the best option.
Although your loved ones may have your best interest at heart and suggest divorce to relieve your pain, at the end of the day, it is your decision, and no one else should coerce you to take this action. Acting sporadically or allowing your friends to persuade your thoughts to cloud your better judgment may leave you regretting your actions and living with unfavorable outcomes. Divorce is your choice, not anyone else’s.
Should I Divorce My Spouse Guidelines
In America, many individuals believe divorce is the cure to long-standing problems in our marriages. The build-up of fights becomes too aggravating, and you no longer feel like your partner understands or sees you for who you are. Couples want step-by-step solutions to their everyday issues, such as when A happens, then you should do B, but relationships are much more complex than that. When you question, should I divorce my spouse? Ask yourself these alternative questions as a guide point for your decisions, “Is what I’m going to better?”
At Marriage Helper, we counsel our clients to think about the 10, 10, 10 rules:
-How am I going to feel about this in 10 days?
-How am I going to feel about this in 10 months?
-How am I going to feel about this in 10 years?
Anger in the heat of the moment causes us to act rashly, making us feel like deciding on divorce right then, and there is a perfect choice. Taking a pause and weighing the pros and cons of divorce linearly is one way to sort out your thoughts without acting too impulsively.
Think, “how will I feel about this ten days from now?” Will you still be angry? Will you have time to think things over and talk about your differences? What about ten months from now? Do you believe there will be peace of mind? Is this just another silly fight between the two of you?
And the big one, how will this affect me ten years from now? Sometimes we leave what we have for what we think is better when in reality, our spouse is a good and kind person who had irritating behaviors and tendencies in the past.
Individuals can change a lot in ten years and completely transform who they were then versus who they are now. Reflect on the 10,10,10 rules before deciding when to divorce because, in the long run, you might be better off with your spouse.
Long-Term Consequences versus Short-Term Decisions
The tricky thing about our decisions is the emotion behind each action we take. Emotions rule many aspects of our lives. Instead of thinking clearly with our minds, we think with our feelings which are always subject to change. Contemplate your thoughts based on the long-term in comparison to the short-term. Divorce in the short term might feel good when you consider leaving the never-ending fights and nonsense, but in the long term, is it worth it to see your spouse and family fall apart?
Deciding what’s best for you and your family will help facilitate your better judgment. If you choose to leave at one point, remember that it may just be in the moment or a temporary feeling, and that is okay. Taking care of your well-being is your priority.
Receiving guidance from a professional like one of our marriage helper coaches will help and challenge you to see long-term consequences to short-term choices. A third-party outlook from someone who does not know your relationship but has experienced similar or exact difficulties to yours allows you to gain perspective on what your future and the future of your children may look like.
We often play a scenario or fantasy in our heads about how positive our future would be if we decide on divorce, whether to be alone or be with someone else. We term this thought process the halo effect, meaning when someone anticipates positive outcomes when positive outcomes aren’t going to happen in the long run necessarily.
Our team is dedicated to guiding you through these difficult times and helping you see the long-term positive or negatives to your decisions. Always think to yourself, is it really worth it, and what would my future look like if I divorced my spouse?
Divorce Due to Damage or Abuse
When contemplating divorce, the key is minimizing the extent of damage inflicted on your spouse. Damage doesn’t just include internal pain and hurt. Hurt is a daily feeling when you are teetering on the thoughts of divorcing your spouse. Damage ranges from physical abuse like beating and hitting to emotional abuse such as feeling controlled, belittled, or feeling unworthy by your spouse.
If this is the case, finding help like the National Domestic Hotline is the first step to take. Safety is of the utmost importance in mental, physical, and emotional health. If you believe your marriage is unsafe for you and your children, seek help immediately. Damage is not always a premise for divorce. Sometimes separation is necessary for your well-being, but in the greater scope, if you are in a destructive relationship, physical, mental, emotional, etc., parting ways may be warranted.
Contact the Marriage Helper Team if You Are Thinking About Divorcing Your Spouse
Divorce is your decision and yours alone. No one should influence your actions to divorce your spouse, no matter how good their intentions may seem. Divorce doesn’t just affect the short term; it affects the long-term for your future, your spouse, and your family. We urge you to think long and hard about the consequences and seek the guidance of our professionals, who are advocates of marriage and reconciliation.
Our team at Marriage Helper is pro-marriage, meaning we exhaust all options and guide you through the most troubling scenarios between you and your spouse. If you want to start mending your marriage, that starts with becoming the best version of yourself and implementing the tips and advice you can use today to help fix your marriage. Visit us online and click on our free mini-course resource packed with videos and advice from our professionals for a positive start to saving your marriage.