The Struggle with Letting Go
The short answer
Letting go means accepting things as they are: admitting that your spouse’s decisions and the outcome are beyond your control, and no longer trying to figure out how to make them different. Letting go is not giving up. Acceptance brings peace and frees you from fear, so you can move forward in saving your marriage by changing yourself.
Key takeaways
- Letting go means accepting that your spouse’s choices and the outcome are outside your control, and no longer trying to force a different result.
- Accepting your situation is not giving up or saying you like it; it is what quiets worry and fear so you can grow strong again.
- Freedom from fear lets you hope for a better future and work on your marriage from a positive place instead of despair.
- Real change usually starts once you stop trying to change everyone else and focus on changing yourself.
Are you really struggling with letting go?
Letting go of the hurt caused in your marriage? Letting go of the pain that you feel by your spouse walking out? Letting go of the fact that no matter how hard you try, it feels like there is absolutely nothing you can do to change anything going on?
The Struggle is Real
You pray about it daily and really try to make a conscious effort, but you feel like you’re failing at it. If you could just control your spouse, their decisions, the outcome, or anything about the situation, you would in an instant. So how do we let go?
Here is a key concept on how to truly begin to let go.
Letting go is another way to say, “accept it as it is”. When you admit to yourself that something is beyond your personal control and then accept that as an unchangeable fact, you are truly able to “let go”.
Why? Because you stop trying to figure how you’re going to make it different. Acceptance is key.
Letting Go is not Giving Up
You might be thinking, “But if I accept it as it is, does that mean that I am giving up?”
No. Not at all.
See, accepting things is also a major component of a joyful life. You may not like it. You may not want it. But when you accept it, you begin to have peace inside which will then begin to exude on the outside.
Acceptance of the way things are does not mean that you have to give in and accept defeat for your future. Quite the opposite. Accepting your current circumstances takes away your worries, doubts, and fears so that you can become strong and confident again.
Not feeling responsible (which you do if you are still trying to figure out what will change things) is extremely freeing.
Freedom Leads to Change
When you are free of the binding chains of fear, you become free to dream about a better future. You can then use this motivation to propel you to move forward in saving your marriage in a positive way instead of in a despairing way.
Remember, accepting things as they are doesn’t mean you like things as they are, or that you don’t care. It means giving up the idea that somehow…you can change it. It means giving up the idea that if you harass God long enough, He’ll change it.
If anything is going to change, it usually happens after we STOP trying to change everyone and everything; and instead, change ourselves.
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Common questions
Does letting go mean giving up on my marriage?
No. Accepting things as they are does not mean you like them, do not care, or accept defeat for your future. It means giving up the idea that you can somehow change it, which takes away worry and fear so you can become strong and confident again.
How do I stop trying to control my spouse?
Admit to yourself that your spouse’s decisions are beyond your personal control, and accept that as an unchangeable fact. If anything is going to change, it usually happens after you stop trying to change everyone and everything and change yourself instead.
Why do I still feel stuck when I pray about my marriage every day?
Many hurting spouses pray daily and still feel like they are failing at letting go. Acceptance includes giving up the idea that if you harass God long enough, He will change it, and that kind of acceptance is what starts to bring peace.