Marriage Counseling When Your Spouse Won’t Go: What to Do Next

When your marriage is in trouble, the first thing almost everybody thinks is, “We need to go to counseling.”

And then your spouse says no.

Or they go once, sit there with their arms crossed, and never go back. Or the two of you go for months and it feels like nothing moves. So now you’re wondering if counseling even works, and what you’re supposed to do when the person you’re trying to save the marriage with won’t walk through the door.

Here’s the thing. You have more options than you think, and one of them starts with you.

Does marriage counseling work?

It can. I want to be really clear about that, because I’m not against counselors. I trained as a marriage and family therapist before I switched my graduate work to psychology. There are wonderful counselors out there. My dad, Dr. Joe Beam, says good marriage counselors are worth their weight in gold. Some of them send couples to us, and we send couples right back to them.

But counseling is not a quick fix, and a few things decide whether it helps.

Both of you have to want to be there. A counselor can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. That’s part of their code of ethics. So if your spouse walks in and says, “I want out,” the counselor can’t make them stay.

The counselor has to see the marriage as the client. At the start, every counselor has to decide who the client is. Is it you? Your spouse? Or the marriage? If they’re focused only on each person’s happiness, and one of you is happier leaving, that’s the direction the sessions can drift.

The counselor brings their own story into the room. Counselors aren’t supposed to bring their biases into a session, but they’re human. Their beliefs and their own life shape how they counsel.

It also helps to know what “it works” means in the research. When researchers ask whether couples therapy works, they’re usually asking whether people feel and function better afterward, not whether the marriage stayed together. Those aren’t the same question.

When counseling is a good fit

Counseling is a great fit when both of you are willing, you’ve found a counselor who is for your marriage, and you’re ready to take what you learn and use it at home. It can also be the right place for things like depression, anxiety, or old wounds that need a professional’s care.

And going on your own can be a good fit too. More on that in a second.

When it usually doesn’t help

Here are the situations we hear about over and over.

Your spouse won’t go, or goes and won’t engage. You can’t drag someone into a healing they don’t want yet. If you’ve been in that place, read what to do when your husband refuses therapy.

It’s become a referee session. One woman told my dad that for the entire first hour, all that happened was her husband bashed her, and the counselor let him. Then the counselor said, “Okay, see you next week.” Sessions where one spouse tears the other down don’t build a marriage. They tear it down faster.

The affair is still going. If your spouse is still emotionally tied up with someone else, they usually aren’t ready to work on the marriage in a counselor’s office, and nobody can make them be.

The counselor recommends divorce. I’ve asked webinar audiences whether they’ve had counseling go badly, and so many people told me their counselor suggested separating in the very first session. You don’t have to agree with that. If it happened to you, read what to do when a marriage counselor gave bad advice.

None of this means your marriage is over. It means that setting wasn’t the right one to move your marriage forward.

Can you go to marriage counseling alone?

Yes. And honestly, this is one of the most underrated moves you can make.

When you work on yourself, you learn to handle stress differently, communicate differently, and respond to conflict differently. Your spouse notices. Not because you told them you changed, but because they can feel it. And for a lot of people, seeing the change in you is the thing that makes them curious enough to come along.

Your goal isn’t to force them. It’s to become someone it’s easier to come home to.

Marriage coaching vs. counseling: what’s the difference?

Counseling and therapy often focus on processing emotions and looking at the past. That has its place.

Coaching is different. A coach is someone who thinks it through with you and looks forward with you. They care about what you’re going through, but they aren’t caught up in your emotions, so they can see what you can’t see from inside it. A good coach helps you:

• think problems through instead of reacting to them
• name your expectations and share them in a way your spouse can actually hear
• adjust what you expect from a spouse who has pulled away, so you stop asking for what they can’t give right now
• challenge the beliefs about yourself that keep you stuck

And here’s the big one. Coaching can start with one spouse. It doesn’t need your spouse in the room. You can learn more about why marriage coaching works.

How to choose a good marriage counselor

If you do want to try counseling, or try it again, choose the counselor before you ever step into their office.

• Decide your goal. If you want to save your marriage, say that out loud, to yourself and to them.
• Ask people with good marriages who had a good experience with a counselor.
• Ask for a five-minute call before you book. Most good counselors will give it to you.
• Ask the questions that matter. What do you believe about marriage? When do you believe a couple should divorce? Do you see the marriage as the client? Will you work within our beliefs and values? How do you define success?

That last one matters more than you’d think. My dad once asked a counselor what her success rate was. She said it was higher than 90%. When he asked how she defined success, she said she only counted the couples who did exactly what she told them to do. That’s not really a 90% success rate, is it?

There’s more on this in how to find a marriage counselor and the perils of counseling.

What it looks like to start with just you

So what do you do if your spouse won’t go anywhere with you right now?

You start where you have control, which is you. You learn why your spouse pulled away, what you’re doing that pushes them further, and what actually draws them back. Then you practice it, every day, in the way you talk, the way you show up, the way you respond when they’re cold.

We have a whole guide on saving your marriage when you’re the only one trying, and another on how to save your marriage even if your spouse wants out.

If you’re not sure where your marriage is right now, take our free LovePath quiz. It takes a few minutes, and it shows you where things stand and what to work on first.

And if you want a coach in your corner while you do it, see how starting by yourself works. You don’t have to wait for your spouse to say yes before you start saving your marriage.