5 Ways To Improve Your Marriage When You Feel Stuck
The short answer
To improve your marriage when you feel stuck, start by gaining control of your emotions, because nothing changes until you do. Then work on yourself through your PIES, figure out what you contributed to the breakdown, accept that you cannot control your spouse, and keep your expectations low while things go up and down. Above all, be consistent.
Key takeaways
- Nothing in a stuck marriage changes until you get your own emotions under control, even when you have been deeply hurt.
- Put the energy you used to spend fighting into your own PIES: physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual growth.
- You cannot control your spouse, but working on yourself raises the odds that they will start working on themselves too.
- Progress goes up and down, so keep expectations low and stay consistent until your spouse clearly wants to engage.
Is your relationship in a rut? Are you thinking, “I don’t even know how it got here. So, how in the world are we going to get out of this?” I’m going to give you 5 ways to improve your marriage that will help you get your relationship out of the rut.
So, how do you get your relationship out of the rut? The very first thing, and sometimes the hardest thing to do, is to gain control of your emotions.
Gain control of your emotions.
I understand you’ve been hurt, and things have been done that have caused you to be angry, that have caused you to cry, maybe even caused you to cuss out your spouse. And that’s because you’re in pain, and I understand that. But nothing is going to change until you can get control of your emotions.
You may ask me, well, how do you do that?
Work on your past.
Work on yourself, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. See, when you have all that negative energy in you that you used to channel to your spouse, it’s got to go somewhere. So channel it into your PIES. Take all that energy you have been spending getting yourself into the rut with your spouse, and put it into what we call the “PIES”, because that will bring about positive results in you. It can also influence your spouse.
Figure out what you contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.
You might be thinking that it wasn’t you. It’s more my spouse than me, and I get that. That may be true, but everybody contributes to the breakdown in their relationship. So, figure out what you’ve done and begin to change that. That leads me to step four.
Know that you cannot control your spouse.
See, a lot of times, when we begin to get control of our emotions, start to work on ourselves, and begin to identify the things we contributed to the breakdown in the relationship, we want our spouses to do that as well. But lots of times, you’re going to be met with resistance at first. They may think that you think you’re better than them. You can’t control that. Accept that it’s how they feel right now, and you go back to what you know to do. You can’t control how they feel. You can’t control if they begin to work on themselves. But when you start to work on yourself, you increase the chances of influencing your spouse to do the same thing.
Manage your expectations.
See, when we begin to work on ourselves and positively influence our spouse, you might even see some positive results, or your interactions might start becoming positive. And so you get your hopes up thinking, “Oh, we’re getting out of the rut.” That may not necessarily be true. Remember, it’s going to be up and down, up and down, up and down. So you have to be sure that you keep your expectations low until you are clear that your spouse also wants to engage in getting your relationship out of the rut.
The very last thing, and it’s one of the most important things, is to be consistent.
Be consistent.
You want to be sure that you’re consistent in getting control of your emotions, working on yourself, figuring out what you contributed to the breakdown in the relationship, realizing that you cannot control your spouse, and then managing your expectations. All of those will be critical pieces in your situation to help pull your relationship out of that rut. Reach out to our office today and schedule a marriage strategy call with one of our Client Representatives, and they can help point you to all the resources we have that will continue to help you get your relationship out of a rut.
Common questions
How do I get my marriage out of a rut?
Begin with your own emotions, because nothing changes while anger is driving what you say and do. Then put that energy into your PIES, own your part in the breakdown, and stay consistent even when progress is slow.
Is it my fault my marriage is stuck?
Maybe not mostly, but every spouse plays some part when a relationship breaks down. Look honestly at what you contributed and start changing it, since that is the part you can control.
What if my spouse doesn’t want to work on our marriage?
Expect some pushback at first, because your spouse may think you see yourself as better than them. You can’t control that, so keep working on yourself, which gives you the best chance of influencing them, and keep your hopes in check until they show they want to engage too.