Are you wondering what to do if you suspect that your spouse is in an affair? There are signs that your spouse is cheating; perhaps there’s something shady going on, or you’ve read something, or seen something. Or, maybe it’s just a feeling…an intuition or suspicion.
If you’re in this situation, I want to provide some practical next steps as well as a few things to consider. But no matter what, one of the most important things you can start with, right now, is to realize there is hope.
The Other Person Is Not Your Problem
Now, let’s dive in. What if there’s something going on in your relationship? First, remind yourself that the other person is not your problem. The issue is something that’s happened in the relationship. And as a result of that, your spouse has separated themselves and then become available. Someone else has come in and there they are now in our relationship. But listen, they’re not the real problem because the truth is if we don’t fix the problems in our relationship and our spouses in an affair, guess what it doesn’t mean they’ll come to us, they’ll go somewhere else, because the problem is within that relationship or how they view us.
Is it a problem? Yes. Is it painful? Yes. I’m not trying to minimize this, but I’m trying to keep you from spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about it, or working against the other person. They’re not your issue, the issue is within the marriage. So tell yourself this: fight for the right things and not against things that really won’t matter.
Become A MASTER Of Your PIES
Second, become a master of your PIES- physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. If you believe your spouse is having an affair and you’re not healthy in your mind, your spirit, your physical body, and you’re feeling emotional, you’re going to end up being ruled and led by your emotions. In fact, even some of your suspicions could be founded in the fact that you’re not taking care of yourself.
So turn the spotlight on you and start focusing on how you can change, how you can be the best version of you, and how you could grow into be all that you’ve been created to be
- Catch the PIES podcast to get the best help with each area of the PIES: https://piesuniversity.com/piescast/
Evaluate If You Really Have Proof
Third, if you suspect your spouse is cheating, I would encourage you to evaluate whether or not you really have proof. There’s a lot of things out there that aren’t proof, but they’re suspicious. And, and if that’s the case, and if you have a decent, relationship with your spouse, maybe you just ask them.
(And Do NOT Snoop!)
Now, if your marriage is in turmoil, I understand that could be a real problem. But nevertheless, here’s what you need to do. You need to make sure that whatever you are using for this guess is something verifiable. Make sure that you’re not snooping around and looking.
Consider Your Bias
I’ve had people say , “I started snooping and looking here because I was suspicious. And I thought to myself, you know what? I’ll just prove to myself, that’s not what’s happening.” There’s something about the human mind and psyche that when a seed has been planted of doubt, we tend to be more aware of those things than the opposite. And, a lot of times our research can be biased by what’s in our mind. So be careful! Make sure to be cautious about whether or not this is actually good, legitimate information.
4 Must-Know Tips If You Choose To Confront Your Spouse
And, if you choose to confront your spouse, this next section is important for you to think through and understand. You might say, “Well, Jim, that’s really my bigger question.” It’s difficult to tell you the exact thing to do for each person and each couple, because you all have different relationship dynamics. And I don’t know where you are today, what you’ve been struggling with, if it’s a good relationship and communication, or not. And that’s where one of our coaches can help you.
But first, make sure that you do that at the right time and place. Do not confront them when you’re:
- Out to eat
- Having friends over
- Have an event you’re going to
- About to go to work
- Going to bed
Find A Time That’s Convenient
Instead, find a time that is more convenient. Now, there is no such thing, as I know, a “convenient time” to confront someone about an affair, but there’s a convenient time to have a discussion. If you choose to confront, if you have the information, if you want to do it, and it means something to you, then do that, but make sure that there’s a good time and place for it. Choose this time wisely!
Prepare Your Emotions For Their Response
In addition to that, make sure you’ve prepped yourself and prepared yourself to not be overly emotional. If you ask and they say, “Yes, I’m having an affair.” And you begin to weep, that’s understandable. But if you begin to attack, blame or put down your spouse, you’ll create a bigger rift between the two of you. Be careful about that! Right now, you’re actually planting new seeds in their mind about who you are. So be careful about how you present things to them. Ask them a question and do not make accusations.
In addition to that, you need to be prepared for their response toward you. They may attack you. They may be upset with you. They may blame you for the problem. And it’s not the time to get in an argument of whether or not those things are true or not. Right now, you’re just trying to discover what’s happening.
And you could tell them, “I know I have a part in some of this, but we need to talk about this,” and lead them to a discussion. And here at Marriage Helper, we have tons of material that can help you with that. But you want to be in control of your emotions, not fighting or attacking them back because the two wrongs do not make a right. You want to start creating a new perspective of who you are as a human being.
Don’t Try To Fix Your Relationship In Just One Day
In addition to that, release any obligation of solving this thing tonight. It did not break last night, and you’re not going to fix it tonight. And to have a three hour conversation will do you very little good.
I want to encourage you to have the conversation, get the information, and then take a break if needed. To keep fighting will only bring up more mud to cloud up the issue. And you’ll probably fight about things that don’t even really matter.
And, Believe What Your Spouse Says
So stay focused. You want to get an answer. And when you get the answer, if it’s a no, then you need to believe it until something else comes up. There’s nothing worse than someone who possibly is telling you the truth and you don’t believe them. It begins to attack your relationship in another place. So if they say, no, that they aren’t having an affair, you might want to be ready to believe them. Give them the benefit of the doubt and move on.
If they say yes, that they are having an affair, that’s when the other stuff begins to happen. And I know thousands of couples who have come back together after an affair. And I know you can too, but you need to stay focused. One of the ways you can stay focused is by connecting with one of our coaches, getting our smart contact toolkit, or getting to one of our workshops.
We are here to help you! We have the materials that have been proven with over a quarter of a million people over the last 30 years. We can help. I want to encourage you if you’re in this situation, reach out to us, and we can help you there. We’re believing for you and want to be there for you. We want to help you see your marriage restored.
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