How To Talk To Your Spouse About Marriage Problems

If you want to talk to your spouse about your marriage problems, especially what you’ve learned about your own part in them, Dr. Joe’s advice is to wait until your spouse is ready to hear it. Until then, be the safe place: warm, friendly and patient every time you talk. When a conversation feels open and friendly, ask permission to share, be honest and specific, and don’t beat yourself up.

What if I was part of the problem, but my spouse won’t talk about it?

Dr. Kimberly read Dr. Joe a listener’s question. This spouse knows they were absolutely part of the problem and wants to tell their husband everything they’re learning about themselves, but he won’t talk about it.

Dr. Joe’s first answer is that you don’t necessarily go and do that. There is a way to share what you’ve learned, he says, but not always directly. And if you try before your spouse is ready, it won’t work.

Should I write my spouse a letter taking responsibility?

Dr. Joe used to encourage people to write letters saying they take responsibility for what they’ve done wrong and that they’re sorry. He stopped suggesting it because people misunderstood. They listed every single thing they had ever done wrong, in great detail.

His concern is practical. If your spouse goes ahead with a divorce, that letter could be shown to an attorney and then to a judge, and it could make you sound like the worst person on the planet.

He still believes you should take responsibility for your behavior. If you choose to write a letter, keep it very succinct, without too much detail:

• Start with something like, “You know, I know I didn’t listen to you as much as I should.”
• List three or four things like that, such as, “I wish I’d spent more time with you.”
• Keep it general enough that your spouse knows you are taking responsibility for your behavior.
• Don’t say “I’m sorry” after each one. Put it at the end: “And I’m sorry I did that.”

How do I know when my spouse is ready to talk?

Maybe you would rather talk to your spouse than write a letter. Dr. Joe says that’s fine, but you must wait until he or she is ready to hear it. Until that time, it won’t work if you try.

You also can’t make your spouse open up. What you can do is be ready for the moment they do.

Become the safe place

In the meantime, Dr. Joe says to become the safe place. Any time your husband or wife communicates with you, even about business or the kids, be warm, friendly and safe. Be patient. Be tolerant.

If your spouse does start opening up, this is how you stay the safe place:

• Don’t attack, criticize or condemn.
• Listen.
• When you can, let them know you understand: “Hmm. I can see how you felt that way.”

What to say when you tell your spouse what you’ve learned

After a conversation or two like that, Dr. Joe says the next open, friendly conversation is the time to share. Ask permission first. His example starts like this: “Do you mind if I tell you some things about what I’ve learned about me?”

Then make it clear you aren’t sharing it to convince your spouse to come back. You just want to tell them what you’ve learned from all of this and how you’ve changed. Dr. Joe says that if your spouse thinks you are trying to manipulate them or make them come back, they won’t listen. Put in that kind of frame, it can be that they truly hear you.

Be honest, but don’t beat yourself up

When you have this conversation, don’t go on and on about how bad you are. Dr. Joe says to be factual and name the specific thing. His example: “I know that you wanted to make love to me more often and I didn’t participate in that like I should have. I can see that now.”

That is very different from a line like, “Oh, if I had loved you like I should have.” In Dr. Joe’s words, “Be honest. But don’t beat yourself up.”

You can read Dr. Kimberly and Dr. Joe’s full conversation below.

The full conversation

Dr. Kimberly: So one person says, “What if I know that I was absolutely part of the problem, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. I want to tell him all of the things that I’m learning about myself, but he won’t talk to me about it.”

Dr. Joe: Right. First of all, I would suggest that you don’t necessarily go and do that. There’s a way to do it, but not always directly. You say, “Why?”

There can be value, and I’ve actually encouraged people in the past, to write letters and say, “I take responsibility for the things that I’ve done wrong and I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”

But people often misunderstood that, so I stopped suggesting it because they wanted to list every single thing they’d ever done wrong- and they went into great detail. Even wrote it to the point where I began to be afraid that if their spouse goes ahead with a divorce, they’re going to show this “letter” to the attorney and their attorney’s will show it to the judge… and so, because of that letter, you just made yourself sound like the worst person on the planet.

Here’s How to Write the Letter Correctly

If you’re going to take responsibility for your behavior, and I think you should… if you want to write your spouse a letter, make it very succinct- not too much detail.

Here’s how you should write your spouse a letter if you choose to do so:

• Start with something like this: “You know, I know I didn’t listen to you as much as I should.”
• Then, you can list three or four things like that, “I wish I’d spent more time with you,” etc.
• Make it more generic so that he or she knows you’re actually taking responsibility for your behavior.
• Don’t say, “I’m sorry” After any one of them- Put it at the end: “And I’m sorry I did that.”

How to Tell When Your Spouse is Ready to Talk & What to Say to Them

Now, if you say, “Well, I don’t want to write the letter but I want to be able to talk to my spouse and tell him/her the same things you’re describing in that letter.” That’s fine, but you MUST wait until such a time as he or she is ready to hear it. Until that time it cannot, and it won’t work if you try.

So what do you do in the meantime? You need to become the safe place so that when your husband or wife has any communication with you, even if it’s about business or about the kids, you’re warm, you’re friendly, you’re safe.

If at any point, he or she ever starts opening up (and you can’t “make them” do this) you have to be patient. You have to be tolerant. And if or when he or she does open up, you’re the very safe place.

• Don’t attack, criticize, or condemn.
• Listen. And when you can, let them know you understand.
  • “Hmm. I can see how you felt that way.”

Now, after a conversation or two like that, the next time you’re having one that’s open, friendly, that’s when you can express yourself like this:

“Do you mind if I tell you some things about what I’ve learned about me? I’d appreciate the opportunity to do that. It may not make any difference to you and I’m not doing it because I think somehow it’s going to convince you to come back. I just want to tell you some things that I have learned from all of this and how I’ve changed from it. So while this has been a terrible ordeal for me, there’s some good that’s come from it for me. Can I just share that with you?”

If they think you’re trying to manipulate them, or trying to make them come back, they’re not going to listen.

But if you can put it in that kind of a frame, where it’s, “I just want to share some things I’ve learned about myself,” then it can actually be that they really truly hear you.

And when you have this conversation, do not beat yourself up. Don’t go on and on about how bad you are. Be more factual like the things I talked about earlier. “You know, I know that you wanted to make love to me more often and I didn’t participate in that like I should have. I can see that now.”

Not like, “Oh, if I had loved you like I should have.” You understand the difference in those two things? Don’t beat yourself up. Be honest. But don’t beat yourself up.