The Definitive Guide To Boundaries in Marriage- The Dr. Joe Show Podcast
The short answer
Boundaries in marriage are how you stop a spouse’s destructive behaviors, and criteria are how you get your spouse to do the things needed to keep your relationship alive. The difference is crucial: many people set no boundaries, set ones too broad to keep, or set poor criteria that don’t motivate their spouse. Both establish absolute do’s and don’ts, not wishes and wants.
Key takeaways
- Boundaries stop destructive behavior, while criteria are the things your spouse needs to do to keep the relationship alive.
- Strong boundaries alone may not restore your marriage; well-made criteria can help bring the relationship back.
- Boundaries fail when they are too broad or impossible to keep, and criteria fail when they don’t motivate your spouse.
- Boundaries and criteria are not wishes or wants; they are firm do’s and don’ts.
How can you stop your spouse from behaviors destructive to him- herself, to you, to your family, or to your relationship?
You set boundaries.
How do you get your spouse to do the things necessary to keep your relationship alive when it seems it may not last?
You set criteria.
Boundaries and criteria are different. They have similarities, but the difference between them is crucial to understand. Even if a person sets and enforces solid boundaries, s/he may well be missing the effective restoration to a good relationship that can come with solid criteria.
Our experience is that most people either don’t set boundaries, set boundaries that are too broad, or any number of other things that make the boundaries either impossible to keep, or that are ignored by their spouses.
We also witness people setting no criteria, poor criteria, and other mistakes that don’t motivate their spouses to meet the criteria at all.
How do you set boundaries? In this program Joe Beam discusses that in detail. How to make them, what to avoid, when to enforce them, and why they work.
What about criteria? In this program, Joe explains the difference between boundaries and criteria, when to establish criteria, how to make ones that help, and how to use them to make your relationship better.
Criteria and boundaries are not wishes and wants: They establish absolute do’s and absolute don’t’s.
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Common questions
What is the difference between boundaries and criteria in marriage?
A boundary stops behavior that is destructive to your spouse, to you, to your family, or to your relationship. Criteria are the things your spouse must do to keep the relationship alive, and setting boundaries alone may miss the restoration that solid criteria can bring.
Why doesn’t my spouse respect my boundaries?
Often the boundaries themselves are the problem. Many people set boundaries that are too broad or otherwise impossible to keep, which makes them easy for a spouse to ignore.
How do I set healthy boundaries with my spouse?
In this episode, Dr. Joe walks through how to make boundaries, what to avoid, when to enforce them, and why they work. Treat them as absolute do’s and don’ts, not wishes and wants.