Limerence: The Obsession You Didn’t Know You Had
The short answer
Limerence is the state of being “madly in love,” and when a married person falls into it with someone else, they believe the feeling will last forever. It won’t. It only seems permanent, and nearly all of these relationships end within three years, even the ones the couple is sure will last. The word was coined by Dorothy Tennov, PhD, in the 1970s.
Key takeaways
- Limerence is the state of being madly in love, and it is far more common than the person in it believes.
- When a married person falls into limerence with someone else, they expect it to last forever, but it only seems that way.
- Nearly all of these relationships end within three years, even the ones the couple is sure will last.
- Many counselors and therapists still know little about limerence, even though the word has been around since the 1970s.
What is going on in the head/heart of someone “madly in love” with another? Why do they do the things they do? Say the things they say? Make the decisions they make?
What if a person is married to one and falls “madly in love” with another? How does that happen? Is it the fault of the spouse they wish to leave? Is there hope to save the marriage? Will s/he divorce the one, marry the other, and live happily ever after?
That’s what the person believes will happen. However, it’s not what’s going to happen. The love they believe that no one can understand because no one could ever have felt this way before…is quite common. And, unfortunately for the person in it, it only SEEMS that it will last forever. It won’t. It always ends.
There’s a name for it. It’s called limerence. The word was coined by Dorothy Tennov, PhD, in the 1970s. At that time it received little acceptance by counselors. Even today, we find that many marriage counselors and therapists either do not know about it or know very little about it.
Current research on it has been done by Helen Fisher, PhD, and her colleagues. (Tennov has passed on.) Their findings are fascinating.
So are ours.
We have worked with myriads of married people who are in limerence with someone other than their spouses. We’ve heard the stories…we’ve witnessed the actions and decisions…and we’ve seen the consequences.
Not good consequences, though the person leaving his / her spouse for another with whom s/he is “madly in love” always fully anticipates that life with the lover will be amazing, fulfilling, and last a lifetime.
Nearly all end within 3 years…even the ones that believe it will last forever.
Common questions
Is limerence common?
Yes. The love a person in limerence believes no one could understand, because no one has ever felt this way before, is actually quite common.
Will my spouse be happy with the person they left me for?
The person in limerence fully expects life with the lover to be amazing, fulfilling and lifelong, but limerence always ends. Marriage Helper has worked with many married people in limerence and has seen that the consequences are not good.
Why doesn’t my marriage counselor know about limerence?
When the word was coined in the 1970s, it received little acceptance by counselors. Even today, many marriage counselors and therapists either don’t know about it or know very little about it.