Stonewalling: The Silent Killer Of Marriages
The short answer
Stonewalling is when one spouse consistently withdraws and refuses to communicate, through the silent treatment, changing the subject, or walking away from discussions. Dr. John Gottman named it one of the four horsemen that can predict divorce, and it leaves the other spouse feeling isolated and emotionally neglected. Counter it by taking a break during heated moments, then building emotional awareness and active listening.
Key takeaways
- Stonewalling is a pattern of shutting down, like the silent treatment, changing the subject, or walking away, not just an occasional cold shoulder.
- Dr. John Gottman named stonewalling, defensiveness, criticism, and contempt as four behaviors that can predict divorce, and contempt does the most harm.
- When a talk gets heated, take a break so you both can cool down, then work on emotional awareness and active listening.
- These behaviors are warning signs, not the end, and couples who commit to replacing them with healthier habits can build a stronger marriage.
Stonewalling: The Silent Killer of Marriages
Are you and your spouse currently facing a tough time in your marriage? You’re not alone. One of the biggest challenges that can arise in a long-term relationship is ‘stonewalling’. This behavior, alongside defensiveness, criticism, and contempt, is often referred to as one of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse. These behaviors, first identified by Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington’s Love Lab, can be alarmingly accurate predictors of divorce.
Let’s talk about stonewalling. It’s more than just an occasional cold shoulder; it’s a pattern where one partner consistently withdraws from interactions, refusing to communicate or engage. This might look like giving the silent treatment, changing the subject, or physically walking away from discussions. Stonewalling creates a sense of isolation and emotional neglect for the other spouse, which, if not addressed, can severely damage the marriage.
The other three horsemen, defensiveness, criticism, and contempt, are equally harmful. Defensiveness usually springs up as a knee-jerk reaction to criticism. It’s a way of shifting blame and not owning up to our part in a conflict. Criticism, on the other hand, attacks our spouse’s character instead of addressing specific issues. And contempt, the most harmful of all, shows up as disrespect, ridicule, or disgust towards our partner.
It’s crucial to recognize that while these behaviors are warning signs, they’re not the end of the road. There are practical steps and solutions to counteract stonewalling. The first step is acknowledging the behavior and its impact. This involves taking a break during heated moments, allowing time for both partners to cool down and reflect. The real antidote to stonewalling lies in developing emotional awareness, effective communication, and active listening skills.
Remember, the journey to a healthier marriage is a process. It requires understanding, effort, patience, and a strong commitment to change. By addressing these destructive behaviors and replacing them with constructive ones, you can transform your marriage.
In summary, while stonewalling, along with defensiveness, criticism, and contempt, can significantly harm a marriage, there is always hope. With the right understanding and tools, couples can overcome these challenges and build a more fulfilling, loving marriage.
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Common questions
What are the four horsemen of a relationship?
They are stonewalling, defensiveness, criticism, and contempt, four behaviors Dr. John Gottman identified at his Love Lab as accurate predictors of divorce. Contempt, which shows up as disrespect, ridicule, or disgust, is the most harmful.
Is the silent treatment a form of stonewalling?
It can be when it becomes a pattern. Stonewalling is more than an occasional cold shoulder; it can look like the silent treatment, changing the subject, or physically walking away whenever a discussion starts.
Can a marriage recover from stonewalling?
Yes. These behaviors are warning signs, not the end of the road. Start by admitting the behavior and the damage it does, then work with understanding, effort, patience, and a real commitment to change to replace it with healthier habits.