Stages Of Emotional Affairs
The short answer
An emotional affair usually begins with someone who isn’t looking for one, like a coworker or a person you see every day, and grows from conversations that go beyond ordinary things into a deeper, mutual connection. The first stage is vulnerability, the feeling that this person listens to you and cares about you. Then the interactions gradually begin to cross boundaries.
Key takeaways
- An emotional affair needs a deeper, two-way emotional connection, which only grows when two people talk about more than ordinary things.
- Most emotional affairs start with someone who wasn’t looking for one, often a coworker or a person they see every day.
- The first stage is vulnerability: feeling that someone listens to you, finds you funny, and makes you feel better about yourself.
- You don’t have to stop talking to people, but recognizing that vulnerability helps you notice before your interactions start to cross boundaries.
Let’s talk about emotional affairs. Where do they come from? How do they happen? What stages does a person go through when they’re having an emotional affair?
When we talk about this thing, how does it happen? Well, understand that an emotional affair has to involve a deeper, emotional connection with another person. And the only way we can develop a deep, emotional connection with another person that’s reciprocal, not just some crush I have on you that you don’t know about, would be if we’re communicating with each other, but not just about mundane, ordinary things. Typically, an emotional affair will begin with somebody who’s not looking for one. For example, I am talking to a coworker or somebody I regularly see at the bus stop because I ride that bus to work or some situation like that.
There was one we dealt with years ago, where it happened in a donut shop. She would go into the donut shop every day to buy donuts for the office. And she started interacting with the guy who owned that shop. They started kidding around with each other, and the conversations got longer and longer. And so finally they decided they would meet other places to talk as well because they enjoyed each other.
So the first thing that would happen is that you have some vulnerability like, “Hey, this person’s actually listening to me. This person thinks I’m funny. This person cares about me. And this person says things that lead me to feel better about myself.” Any positive interaction you have with another person can be the beginning of an emotional affair.
At this point, you’re thinking, “Good grief, are you saying I should live in some bubble and never talk to anybody anywhere, anytime?” No, we’re not. But we’re saying if that vulnerability is there, you probably should recognize it and be aware of how powerful it can be. Because the first thing that happens after that vulnerability is you start having interactions with each other to the point that they gradually begin to cross boundaries.
Listen to this episode of Relationship Radio to hear Dr. Joe Beam discuss the stages of emotional affairs, how they begin, and what people go through. In the next episode, we’ll discuss how someone can overcome an emotional affair, so be sure to listen!
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Common questions
How do emotional affairs start?
Typically with someone who isn’t looking for one. It can be a coworker, someone at the bus stop, or, in one case Dr. Joe dealt with, the owner of a donut shop where a woman bought donuts for her office every day.
What is the difference between a crush and an emotional affair?
An emotional affair involves a deeper emotional connection that goes both ways. It only develops when two people communicate about more than mundane, ordinary things, not when one person has a crush the other doesn’t know about.
Do I have to stop talking to everyone to avoid an emotional affair?
No. But if you notice a vulnerability, like feeling that someone listens to you, thinks you’re funny, or makes you feel better about yourself, recognize it and be aware of how powerful it can be.