How to Reconcile a Marriage After an Affair

To reconcile a marriage after an affair, Dr. Joe’s advice is to treat the early days like you’re dating again: get along, be at peace and enjoy each other before you bring up the heavy hurt. It’s okay to be angry, but don’t let that anger explode once your spouse comes back. And when your mind keeps replaying the affair, you’ll have to make a conscious decision to think about the good instead.

Is it normal to be angry after my spouse comes back from an affair?

This question came from a woman whose husband had an affair for a year and a half with a woman at work. He ended the affair and wants to save the marriage. She wanted to know how to stop overthinking what they did and talked about, because she doesn’t want her actions or her anger to hurt their future.

Dr. Kimberly says Marriage Helper often sees marriages come back together after an affair. But coming back together can lead to more problems when the spouse who was hurt is angry or resentful.

Dr. Joe’s first answer is that it’s okay to be angry. It really is. What happens a lot, he says, is that people swallow their anger while they’re trying to get their spouse to come back. Then, when the spouse comes back and things are actually headed in the right direction, the anger comes out. It explodes, and they attack. In Dr. Joe’s words, “That’ll destroy it.”

When should I tell my spouse how much the affair hurt me?

It’s okay to want your spouse to really understand what you feel. But Dr. Joe says to think of the first stage of getting back together like dating. You’re in the early stages of a new relationship with your spouse, so don’t hit them with the heavy stuff yet. For a while:

• Try to get along with each other.
• Try to be at peace.
• Try to enjoy each other.
• Try to laugh about things.

Once the relationship is deeper and more involved, you can ask if you may tell your spouse about the pain you felt, because you want them to understand. Dr. Joe says it becomes very important that they understand, but they can’t hear it right away. You need time to grow in your relationship again.

How do I stop picturing my spouse with the affair partner?

Dr. Joe suspects this wife is picturing her husband with the other woman, imagining them having a good time and in bed together, and comparing herself to her. She may wonder if he’s thinking about the other woman when he’s with her.

His answer is that you have to stop it consciously. He knows it can be hard to take control of your own thoughts, and he points to help:

• A good counselor or therapist can help you understand how to process it.
• Marriage Helper coaches can help you think it through.
• If you need medicine to calm you down in the short term, see your physician.

But ultimately, Dr. Joe says, it becomes a matter of willpower. The thoughts won’t just disappear. You have to think about the good, not the bad. In this wife’s situation, the good is that the affair is over, her husband picked her, and he wants to make a life with her.

When your mind starts straying toward what happened, Dr. Joe says to take that thought captive. Remind yourself that your spouse is with you and you can make a good life together. You might even start daydreaming about how things can be if you keep doing the right things. There’s no magic answer, he says. You’re going to have to deal with this and focus your mind.

Will these thoughts ever get easier?

Dr. Kimberly says they can. She did some research on the brain’s neuron firing pathways. The more we worry or fixate on certain things, the more those pathways in our brain get used to firing.

She compares it to driving down a dirt road. The more you drive down it, the more the rocks get cleared out of the way and the easier it is to drive, so that road becomes the one you use most. When you choose positive thoughts and replace the painful ones with something else, you start firing different pathways. In her words, “The more you use that positive mindset, the easier it will become over time.”

Dr. Joe adds one last step. The next time one of those thoughts comes, tell yourself it’s okay that you think those things, because it’s human. Then focus on something that’s going to be better for you. He admits it’s easier said than done, but he says it is doable.

Dr. Joe and Dr. Kimberly answer her question in their own words in the full conversation below.

The full conversation

Dr. Kimberly: We have a question from a woman who says she recently discovered her husband had an affair for a year and a half with a woman at work, but he has ended the affair. He wants to work on the marriage-and save it.

She says, “What are some techniques that can help me get over and stop overthinking what they did or talked about? I don’t want my actions or anger to hurt our future.”

A lot of times we see marriages come back together after an affair or some issue that has happened. They’ll come back together, but coming back together can lead to more problems in the marriage, because the spouse who was hurt is angry, resentful, or feeling things like that. How would you answer her question- for her not to be the problem going forward?

Dr. Joe: First of all, it’s okay to be angry. It really is, but what Kimberly just alluded to (and this happens a lot) is that people tend to swallow the anger while they’re trying to get their spouse to come back. Then, when the spouse comes back and things are actually headed in the right direction, the anger comes out, it explodes, and they attack. They’re vicious sometimes. That’ll destroy it.

The Reconciliation Process As A New, Growing Relationship

It’s okay to feel the anger. It really is. It’s also okay to want your spouse to really understand what you feel, but understand when you first get back together- think about it like you’re now dating.

What I mean is this. You’re in the early stages of a new relationship with your spouse. Don’t hit him or her with the heavy stuff now. Don’t. For a while, just try to get along with each other.

Try to be at peace.

Try to enjoy each other.

Try to be able to laugh about things, or whatever it may be.

When you finally get to the point where it’s deeper, more involved; when you’ve gotten further into this new relationship, then you can say things like, “May I tell you about the pain I felt, because I just want you to understand.” It becomes very important that they understand, but they can’t hear about it right away. You need time to grow in your relationship again.

Make A Conscious Decision

What I heard from this particular woman, Kimberly, is that she’s thinking about the two of them, the husband and the lover, together. I’m assuming that she’s thinking about when they went off on picnics with each other or whatever the heck they did, that she’s picturing them having a good time. But I’m also thinking she’s probably imagining them in bed with each other. In your mind, you start comparing yourself to to the other and thinking, “How is he feeling about me? Is he thinking about her while he’s making love to me?”

So, how do you stop that? You have to do it consciously. Now I realize, sometimes it’s hard to take control of our own thoughts. I do. Maybe you want to see somebody to help you understand how to process this. A good counselor or therapist can help you do that. Our coaches, if you want to contact us and talk to our coaches, can help you think that through.

But ultimately, it is going to become a matter of willpower. It’s not just going to “poof,” disappear. You could get some medicine to calm you down. If you need that in the short term, see your physician and get it.

Ultimately it’s going to be a matter of you thinking about the good, not the bad.

You say, “What do you mean the good?”

Well, it’s over.

He picked you over her.

He sees that being with you is the place he should be, the place that he wants to be.

He wants to make a life with you.

Whenever your mind starts straying toward what he did with her and those kinds of things, take that captive. How do you do it? Start thinking to yourself like this. “He’s with me. We can make a good life together” and maybe even start daydreaming how things can be and will be if you keep doing the right things.

If you need the medicine in the short term, your doctor will know about how to do that. And, if you need counseling or therapy, find a good one. But ultimately, it’s going to come down to the fact that there’s no magic answer. You’re going to have to deal with this and focus your mind.

The Dirt-Road Effect

Dr. Kimberly: Yeah, absolutely. Not to totally geek out, but I did a little bit of research about the brain and the brain pathways, “neuron firing pathways.” Just looking at it from that point of view, I see that the more we “worry” or “fixate on certain issues and anxiety” and let that happen, it puts these certain pathways in our brain that become used to firing.

For example, your “neuron firing pathways” are like driving down a dirt road.

The more you drive down it, the more it’s going to clear the rocks out of the way. It’s going to be easier to drive down, and that becomes the one that is most used.

It’s really like “programming your brain.”

You’re starting to fire off different pathways.

You’re wanting to go more positive; wanting to think that way.

If you don’t focus on, like Joe was saying, doing those things such as being more positive, taking those thoughts out of your mind and replacing them with something else, then it’s never going to redo those pathways. The more you use that positive mindset, the easier it will become over time.

Dr. Joe: The next time one comes into your head, just think to yourself, “It’s okay that I think those things. It’s human. But you know, I need to think about something else that’s going to be better for me*.”* Then start focusing and thinking on the other thing. I know it’s easier said than done, but it is doable.

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