The Seven Ways To Holiday Stress Proof Your Marriage

To holiday stress proof your marriage, Dr. Kimberly says to start by taking care of yourself: get some sleep, stay active, and be mindful of what you eat. Then think about what you’re thinking about, give your spouse grace, put family time first, and focus on giving rather than getting. She says protecting your marriage this way matters, because the holiday stress is going to come on strong.

Why do we fight more during the holidays?

Dr. Kimberly says that during the holidays you are going to be stretched and pulled and pushed in every direction. There’s work, school parties, deadlines and finances. There’s Christmas shopping, cooking and cleaning. All of it can be so overwhelming, and it gets easy to push your family to the bottom of the list.

Add too little sleep, and it gets worse. Think about what you’re like when you don’t get enough. Dr. Kimberly says you are more emotional, you get angry easier, and you eat way more food. In her words, “everything gets off-kilter when you don’t sleep.”

How to take care of yourself so stress doesn’t hurt your marriage

Dr. Kimberly’s first three tips are about your body.

1. Get some sleep. She could go on for an hour about how much sleep matters, but she’d rather you use that time to sleep.
2. Stay active. It’s cold, it’s dark, and there’s so much to do, so it’s easy to stay in bed or on the couch. There’s time to relax and cuddle up with your family, but you also need to get that energy out. Go for a walk, join a gym, take a yoga class or do CrossFit. She doesn’t care what you do, as long as you do something.
3. Eat mindfully. This isn’t a new diet. Focus on your greens, your protein, a good salad and some good vegetables, and then you can reward yourself with dessert. You don’t have to eat dessert or heavy casseroles every day. Eat when you’re hungry, not when you’re bored or just because the food is there.

What to do when you feel like your marriage isn’t good enough

Dr. Kimberly’s fourth tip is to think about what you’re thinking about.

During the holidays we’re bombarded with messages from society, Hollywood and social media saying that what we have isn’t enough. We see pictures of friends at amazing holiday get-togethers, happy with their husbands and wives, and we can start to feel less than. Like our marriages aren’t good enough. Like our stuff isn’t good enough. Like our kids aren’t good enough.

If you’re constantly thinking about the negative, Dr. Kimberly says it’s going to translate into how you act. She points to the old saying: as a man thinks in his heart, so he is. You still have to deal with the hard things, but overall you can choose to be optimistic and have a positive mindset.

How to stop getting angry at your spouse over little things

Her fifth tip is to give grace. Dr. Kimberly admits she tends to judge herself by her intentions and others by their actions.

Her example is the trash. If she means to take it out on her way to work but she’s running late, she gives herself grace, because she intended to. If her husband does the same thing, it’s easier to get upset that he didn’t do it. She judges him by his actions, when she would have judged herself by her intentions.

When something like that happens, Dr. Kimberly wants you to:

• Try to see it from your spouse’s point of view, whether it’s the trash, finances, parenting, the kids or a work party.
• Choose to believe your spouse is a good person who wants to do good things.
• Watch your mouth. When you’re angry, it’s easy to start attacking.

An attack won’t lead to a good evening or a productive conversation, and it won’t make your relationship better. Dr. Kimberly suggests having the same conversation in a different light, with something like, “Hey babe. Let’s work on being a team.”

How to keep the holidays from crowding out your family

Dr. Kimberly’s sixth tip is to prioritize family time. It’s easy to promise yourself you’ll watch Christmas movies with the kids once everything else is done. She encourages you to flip that upside down. Make time with your family first, and figure out how to get everything else done after.

Her seventh tip is to focus on giving rather than getting. A few years ago, her family (her parents, her husband, all of them) decided they didn’t need more presents. So they took the energy and money they would have spent and gave it to people who need it, and not just at the holidays but throughout the year. On Christmas Day, they celebrate what they’ve been able to give back and the missions they’ve been able to support.

Dr. Kimberly says it isn’t stressful at all when your focus for the season is how much you can give. When your focus is on what your spouse is going to get you, and whether it will be enough, that can lead to a lot of frustration. When you ask what you can give, everything is put into perspective. For more ways to care for your marriage, you can start here.

You can hear Dr. Kimberly walk through all seven tips in the full conversation below.

The full conversation

The 7 Ways To Holiday Stress Proof Your Marriage

#1 Sleep, or else.

Number one, get some sleep! (Because no one likes being around a Grinch.) No, but seriously, think about what you’re like when you don’t get any sleep. You are more emotional. You get angry easier. You eat way more food, which we’ll get to in a bit. But, everything gets off-kilter when you don’t sleep. I could go on for an hour about how much sleep matters, but I’d rather you use that time to sleep. So, just trust me. Number one, get some sleep.

#2 It’s cold, dark, and cozy..but Stay Active!

Number two, stay active. During the holidays, it’s cold outside. There’s so much stuff to do. It’s dark all the time. There are all these excuses of why you don’t want to stay active, why you’d rather stay in bed, cuddle on the couch by the fire, and drink hot chocolate. But, it’s not going to help you manage your stress during the holiday season.

Yes, there’s time to relax, spend with family, and cuddle up by the fire with a good book and some hot chocolate. But, you also need to get this “energy” out of you. Stay active. Go for a walk. Join a gym. Go to some yoga classes. Do crossfit. I don’t care what you do. But, do something to stay active.

#3 Mindful Eating: Get Your Nutrients

Number three, eat right. I know what you’re thinking…“How am I supposed to eat right during the holidays when there’s my mom’s favorite cake, and my cousin’s famous whatever-it-might-be-chocolate-covered-sausage-balls..?!!”

I don’t know what it might be for you. But, here’s what you need to know. If you just focus on eating your greens, eating your protein, getting a good salad, and getting some good vegetables in during the meal, then you can reward yourself with a dessert at the end. You don’t have to eat a dessert every day. You don’t have to eat the heavy casseroles every day. But, focus on getting good nutrients in. Focus on not eating when you’re bored or just because it’s there, but only when you’re hungry. And, you’ll find that you can actually get through the holidays without gaining some weight. I’m not asking you to start a new diet. I’m just saying be mindful of what you’re eating.

#4 Think About What You’re Thinking About

Number four, think about what you’re thinking about. Here’s what that means. Especially during the holiday season, we’re bombarded with messages from society, Hollywood, and social media saying that what we have isn’t enough. We need to get the brand new TV, the brand new Apple product, the brand new whatever-it-might-be.

Or, we’re seeing all of these pictures of our friends who are having these amazing holiday get togethers and how happy they are with their husbands and their wives, and we can feel like we are “less-than.”

Like, our marriages aren’t good enough. Like our stuff isn’t good enough. Like our kids are little punks, and they’re not good enough. Deep breaths. Think about what you’re thinking about. If you’re constantly in that negative state of emotion, thinking about the negative, or thinking about how what you have isn’t enough, it’s going to translate into how you act. As a man thinks in his heart, so he is, (is the way that the saying goes). So, make sure that what you’re thinking about is positive, is exciting, or happy. Yes, we have to deal with negative things too, but overall we can choose to be optimistic and to have a positive mindset.

#5 Treat Others as You Would Like to be Treated

Number five, give grace. I don’t know about you, but I tend to judge myself by my intentions and others by their actions**.** Here’s what I mean by that. I might fully intend to take my trash outside to the trash can by the road on my way to work…but, I get in a rush. I don’t have time. I have to get out the door quickly, because I’m late for a meeting, and I’m able to give myself grace. Because I said, “You know? I wanted to. I intended to. But, I just didn’t get to. I’ll do it later.”

But, if my husband were to do the same thing, if he were to run out the door because he was late, but he didn’t do the trash…it’s easier for me to look at that and say, “I can’t believe he didn’t do that.” I’m judging him by his actions. But, I would’ve judged me by my intentions.

When things like that happen, what I want you to focus on is to try and see it from the other person’s point of view. It’s not always going to be the trash. Maybe it has to do with finances, parenting, kids, a work party, or whatever it might be. Be gracious. Don’t just start accusing them for not doing something, or whatever it might be. Be gracious in your response. Be gracious in your perception of the people around you.

Choose to believe that they’re good people and that they want to do good things.

Choose to have that mindset, and watch your mouth. It’s very easy when we’re angry to just start attacking people. It’s easy in that situation- when my husband comes home from work after not taking the trash out for me to say, ”Do you expect me to do everything around here? All you had to do was take the trash out. Seriously, it’s not that hard.” I could’ve said that.

But, is that going to lead us towards having a good evening, a productive conversation? Is it going to make our relationship better?

The answer is: no. I can have that same conversation in a completely different light where I say, “Hey babe. Let’s work on being a team. Let’s work on doing things together. What’s a better way that we can do that?” That’s a better way to have that conversation.

#6 Put Your Family at the Top of the List

Number six, prioritize family time. During the holidays, you are going to be stretched and pulled and pushed 1,801 different ways. There’s work. There’s school parties. There’s deadlines. There’s finance stuff going on. There’s your own things that you’re trying to get done: Christmas shopping, cooking, and cleaning; all of it can be so overwhelming. And, it can be so easy to push your family to the bottom of the list.

“Oh, I’ll spend time and watch Christmas movies with my kids when I get everything else done.” I want to encourage you to flip that upside down. What if everything else became second, and time with your family became first?

“I’m going to spend time with my family. And, I’ll figure out a way to get everything else done when I’m done with that.” Prioritize your family.

#7 An Example of Giving- not “Getting”

And, finally, number seven, focus on giving rather than “getting.” A few years ago my family (my immediate family, my parents, my husband, all of us) said, “We really don’t need anything else. Yeah. There’s fun stuff that comes out. But, if there’s anything we need, I mean, honestly we could get it. We don’t have to get presents for Christmas.”

So instead, we decided that we would take that same energy and money that we would’ve used to buy all these presents, run around town, this/that or the other, and give it to the people who need it instead. And, not just around the holidays, but spending time throughout the year to do that.

Then, on Christmas Day we celebrate that. We celebrate the things that we’ve been able to give back, the missions we’ve been able to support. I can’t tell you how amazing and NOT at ALL stressful it is when your focus for the season is: “How much can I give?”  And, not worried about what I’m going to get, especially when I’m thinking about my relationship, my marriage. When I change that focus to “What’s my husband gonna get me? What is my wife gonna get me? Is it gonna be enough? Are they gonna get me the right thing?” Which, can lead to a lot of other frustrations when that doesn’t go well..

But, when I shift my focus to, “What can I give?” Everything is put into perspective, and it makes the holiday season so much better.

So, that’s it, the seven tips to holiday stress proof your marriage. Do them. I can’t tell you how important it is to protect your marriage, to protect your family during the holiday season, because the stress is going to come on strong. Follow our channel [on YouTube] for more tips for your marriage and give us a call at Marriage Helper at (866) 903-0990. Whatever we can do for your marriage, we’re here for you. Happy Holidays! See you soon.