Infidelity is one of the most common reasons for issues within a marriage that leads to divorce. Advancements in technology like the internet and social media have expanded our connections, making relations and catching the eye of someone else more common than it has ever been in history. There’s a lot of temptation out there, and because of these rapid connections and new ways of meeting people, infidelity is not as condemned or frowned upon as it once was years ago. 

According to research at Marriage Helper, 2 out of 3 couples seek marriage counseling services due to their spouse having an affair, teetering on the edge of divorce, or their final attempt to salvage their relationship. If your spouse cheated on you with someone else, you might feel hurt, betrayed, untrusting, suspicious, and maybe even shocked that your marriage has led to this point. If you’re asking yourself the question, can you repair a marriage after an affair? We have the answers. In today’s article, we uncover reasons for an experience, understand what people or things might draw your spouse away from your marriage, and ways of understanding and rebuilding trust. 


Can You Repair A Marriage After Your Spouse Had An Affair?

The answer to this burning question is yes. You can repair a marriage after an affair for a lasting and even stronger relationship than when you were dating! On paper, this sounds easier said than done, and it certainly is. Realizing your spouse had an affair with another person creates an emotional barrier of mistrust and pain between the two of you. If you wish to save your marriage and become close again, the key is understanding what problems in the relationship or mental shift in your spouse caused the affair. 


Common Reasons Why Your Spouse Is Pulling Away From You

Everyday things, traits, or behaviors can either push or pull your spouse away from you in every marriage. Common pushes include: 

  • Constant fights and arguments 
  • Insecurities 
  • Resentment 
  • Lack of compatibility 

A push is anything that pushes your spouse away from you, so anything can become a push if it is big enough for your spouse. A pull is something outside that may be drawing or pulling your spouse to the outside world. It can be something they desire or more significant than that. Common pulls include: 

  • A lifestyle
  • Another person
  • A fantasy 

A lifestyle like partying with friends, inviting different people sexually into your relationship, or a habit could tempt your spouse into leaving the relationship or taking it further, like meeting someone else and getting fulfillment out of that relationship. Despite what it is or what your spouse may want from you, like enjoying an open relationship or a swinging lifestyle, we at Marriage Helper are firm believers that people should never go against what their beliefs and values are. Suppose you’re going to try to repair a marriage after infidelity. You must understand that people can leave for another person, a lifestyle, a fantasy, a dream, or an addiction. But a person can also go for all kinds of things that you don’t want to be part of. Stay true to your morals and values. 


How to Get Past an Affair and Repair Your Marriage

If you and your spouse want to mend your relationship and move forward, the first step to take is your spouse cutting off all contact with the other person. We understand cutting off communication with that other person is challenging depending on how long the affair lasted. There is a level of emotional connection, and you may even experience a grieving phase for hurting that person and your family. 


Taking Responsibility For Your Actions and Rebuilding Trust 

Healing takes time, so those feelings are entirely normal. The next step to take is gaining your spouse’s trust again. Transparency is ideal, so allowing your spouse to see your devices like your cell phone texts or other devices may be warranted. Remember, you are attempting to rebuild trust in your relationship so if going through your messages gives your spouse peace of mind, allow it to happen. This type of behavior will not last forever, but it settles their suspicions and insecurities for now. 

If you are the spouse that caused the affair, it is essential to express your sorrow and grievances for causing the affair, but try not to over apologize for it. By saying you’re sorry over and over again, your words and value start to lose meaning. This constant whining and apologetic nature programs your mind and your spouse to believe you are no good and mentally root negative thoughts about you. Try to acknowledge your spouse’s pain without beating yourself up. By saying things like “Yes, the affair was bad. I’m so happy that I’m past that. I know it takes a while to heal from that hurt. Let me know how I can help that hurt heal.” These statements give you more value and allow you to take responsibility rather than crying, begging, and pleading for forgiveness. 


Marriage Helper Will Support You to Repair Your Marriage After An Affair.

We get that marriage isn’t easy, but the bottom line is: marriage is worth it. Sometimes a lifestyle, another person, or pushes and pulls cause conflict in a marriage. After an affair, learning to love again and rebuilding trust are the hardest steps to take towards forgiveness and reconciling your marriage. At Marriage Helper, we have tons of information on ways to forgive your spouse and boost your attraction. Check out our free mini-course designed to help you get your spouse back if they had an affair or if your marriage is just not working at the moment. We offer 3-day intensive workshops like our couples workshop, proven to save marriages and help couples strengthen intimacy and passion. Contact us online or call (615) 472-1161 for a direct response. Join our community of couples who have saved their marriages, learning to be better for themselves and their spouse.