Understanding Love: How Do People Fall in Love?
The short answer
People fall in love by following a process Marriage Helper calls the LovePath, not by finding a soulmate. It has four stages: attraction through the PIES (physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual), acceptance, attachment and aspiration. If you keep following that process, you’ll fall more in love, but if you stop, you can fall out of love even when you don’t mean to.
Key takeaways
- Love is not about finding a soulmate; you fell in love with your spouse by following a process, whether you knew it or not.
- The LovePath has four stages: attraction through the PIES, acceptance, attachment, and aspiration.
- Keep following the process and you’ll fall more in love, but stop and you can fall out of love even when you don’t mean to.
- Accepting your spouse as they are, before any change happens, is what helps them feel secure enough to grow.
Did you know there’s a process to falling in love? At Marriage Helper, we call it the LovePath. Whether you knew it or not, you followed a process that led you to fall in love with your spouse. There isn’t a soulmate that you are waiting to connect with, and it has nothing to do with horoscopes or the alignment of the stars and moon. But why do you love someone?
The Beginning Stage Of Attraction
It’s important to know why you fall in love with someone. Whether you knew it or not, you followed a process that led you to fall in love with them. If you continue to follow that process, you’ll fall more in love. But if you stop, you can fall out of love, even if that isn’t your intention. The LovePath is the first part of attraction.
The first step of falling in love is attraction. It draws us closer to the other person. We call the four parts of attraction the PIES: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. The second part is acceptance, which is about a craving for caring. You begin to wonder if the person truly cares about you and loves you for who you are at this stage.
How we treat someone and the actions and behaviors we display towards them may honestly be saying we don’t love them as they are. For example, if you say “I love you”, but act differently to contradict that, what you’re telling that person is, “I don’t love or accept you entirely as you are.” Of course, that doesn’t mean that those we love never need to grow and change. But can we love and accept that person as they are now before the change happens, or even if it doesn’t.
The Final Steps Of Attraction
As the psychologist Carl Jung said, “When we love others as they are, they begin to change.” Why? Because people only feel free to explore change when they first know they are securely loved. This leads us to stage three, attachment.
Attachment boils down to one thing: will you be there for me when I need you? Will you physically be there to hug me or intellectually be there to talk with me? Will you emotionally be there to comfort me and spiritually be there to support me? This attachment is what leads to a lasting commitment in a marriage. We go into marriage valuing commitment; we stay in a marriage when we know that the other person is committed to us through their actions and words.
The fourth and final stage of attraction is aspiration. This is the stage of the LovePath that many couples never even get to. It takes having a solid foundation first because it’s about building shared dreams and shared values. What will you do as a couple to pull you together when life tries to rip you apart? Aspirations keep you focused on a vision and future for your marriage when life doesn’t go the way you intended. And it’s powerful for keeping your marriage happy, healthy, and satisfying, and most importantly, getting you to stay on the LovePath.
Staying On The Love Path Takes Constant Work
So ask yourself which part of the LovePath resonates most with you? Where are you stuck? Where do you have an opportunity to grow?
Marriage Helper offers many resources, including a free LovePath quiz that can help you understand the LovePath better. We can also help you understand how to use the PIES to become the best version of yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually and continue to strengthen the attraction between you and your spouse. If you want to know more about the Art of Falling In Love, you can explore a course we created all about that here.
If you’re experiencing trouble in your marriage but you’re not sure where to start in repairing things, give us a call today (866-903-0990) or one-on-one coaching to speak with a client representative about how we can help.
Common questions
Is there really such a thing as a soulmate?
No. There isn’t a soulmate you are waiting to connect with, and love has nothing to do with horoscopes or the alignment of the stars. You fell in love with your spouse by following a process, whether you knew it or not.
What does acceptance mean in a marriage?
Acceptance is about a craving for caring, wondering whether the other person truly loves you for who you are. If you say “I love you” but act in ways that contradict it, you are telling them you don’t accept them as they are.
What keeps a couple committed for the long run?
Attachment, which boils down to one question: will you be there for me when I need you? We stay in a marriage when we know the other person is committed to us through their actions and words, and shared dreams and values pull us together when life tries to rip us apart.