When an affair ends abruptly, both the person betrayed and the spouse in the matter are affected. When you’re involved in an affair, the feelings are intense. You become so emotionally attached to this person you can’t imagine your life without them. They understand you better than anyone could, and you’ve never felt a love as strong as this one. You feel the pain mentally, physically, and emotionally almost as if you’re being torn apart.
This ended affair may leave you questioning your self-worth, and what could have sparked this sudden end for you and your lover? When you lose something important, there are emotional stages to overcome. One of them includes grief. Another is withdrawal. It’s even more painful if you’ve given up the most critical parts of your life to be with this person.
Your marriage, family, or friends, all because you felt this rush of affection and built up this relationship. If you are going through the pains of an ended relationship, this article explains what to do when an affair suddenly ends and the best ways to heal emotionally.
The Grieving Period
When we lose someone important in our lives, there is a grieving stage. You experience feelings of shock and disbelief. It’s hard to believe that someone you loved with such immense feelings could do this to you. Life is complicated, and people make decisions based on what’s right for them.
While you’re going through this pain, it’s time to think about what’s best for you. There is a moment of denial when a relationship ends. You can’t believe it and don’t want to. You want to talk to them, maybe bargain, figure out what went wrong but typically, when someone makes up their mind to indefinitely end an affair, there’s no going back.
An ended affair is a break-up. Someone you considered yourself to be in love with, and that connection you felt so deeply is gone now. You may have a hard time concentrating on work or getting through daily responsibilities. This is all normal, and it’s essential to understand what’s happening to you during this stage so you can control the outcome of your actions and feelings.
The last thing you want to do is fall into a state of depression (which is very common) or try so hard to be with your lover you conduct extreme behavior. It’s hard to figure out what went wrong, but remember everything happens for a reason, and getting through this will help you fix the problems in your marriage or next relationship.
What Is Limerence and How do Those Feelings Affect You In an Affair?
Limerence is the state of infatuation and the feeling of being in love. When couples fall into limerence, they share these overwhelming, obsessive feelings for each other. They begin to share intimate stories and things with their partner, and as these feelings grow, so does the passion.
Chemicals firing off in your brain increase the passions that draw you to this person. The more time you spend together, the stronger the feeling of obsessive love and appeal. Because of this fatal attraction, it feels like getting hit by a truck when an affair ends abruptly. There are three stages of limerence: Infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration.
Infatuation: Sharing personal information and becoming vulnerable
Crystallization: Expressing intense love or feelings for the other person. Compromising beliefs or integrity like marriage vows or going against your moral code.
Deterioration: The stage where the in-love feelings start to fade. Limerence lasts between 3-48 months.
We’re not saying what you experienced was not real, but the excitement and passion of a new person or a lifestyle may obscure your thoughts. Intense feelings end just as quickly as they begin. Hands down, limerence always ends.
Using The “10-10-10” Idea When An Affair Ends Abruptly
The 10-10-10 idea is a thought processing method you should take before making any major life decisions. When something tragic or life-changing happens, like anaffair ending abruptly, we experience a series of emotions hitting us at once. These emotions cloud our judgment, causing us to act based on how we feel. This is a recipe for disaster because feelings are subjective, meaning they change often.
As much as it hurts, the relationship is over. No amount of begging or pleading is going to change that. The next step is deciding the best course of action for your life. Does that involve getting back with your previous spouse or moving on and starting a new life? Decide what your future is going to be. At Marriage Helper, we recommended trying 10-10-10. Meaning if you’re going to make any significant life changes, question your feelings based on time.
-How am I going to feel about this in 10 days?
-How am I going to feel about this in 10 months?
-How am I going to feel about this in 10 years?
You’re in a whirlwind of pain, so using this method helps you think clearly and rationally about your decisions. Right now, you’re hurting, and we get it. You’re probably thinking, I’ll never get over these feelings, but trust us, you will stop feeling this pain.
In 10 days and even 10 months, you might still be handling the grievances of your lost lover, but not as intensely. It takes time to heal, but let’s consider the 10-year mark. 10 years from now, you will still recollect the affair and your feelings at the time, but they are just memories at this point. This earth-shattering, heart-wrenching hurt you’re feeling now will no longer exist.
Getting Your Life Back and Healing After An Affair
You’ve accepted the fact that this person is gone, and now you’re ready to move on. The journey of 1000 miles begins with one step. Take your feelings one day at a time. Think back to another event in your life you felt like you would never get past. Does it all feel like a distant memory, or do you still feel the anxiety and stress it caused? Chances are it is not affecting you as severely as before.
Time heals all, and you are going to be okay. It’s time to start focusing on healing and getting your life back on track. If you left your spouse to be with this other person, consider services to help you put the marriage back together. If you lost any friends because they disagreed with your affair, mend those relationships if you can.
We know right now all you want is your lover, but apply the 10-10-10 idea. 10 years from now, do you want to be alone without any of those people in your life? Your friends, your children, your spouse? If you’re not ready to get back with your spouse or your spouse refuses to take you back, there are methods of reconciliation. Our innovative contact toolkit helps disengaged couples start speaking to each other again without fighting and exploding on each other. This is great for slowly developing a relationship with your spouse if the affair has broken your family.
Use Marriage Helper Services If your Affair Ended Abruptly and You’re In Pain
There are no magic words to say to win back their affections, but there are ways to heal when an affair ends. We believe in the power of forgiveness, getting your life back, and healing your old relationships from the emotional damage caused. Your world is crashing around you, but you can build it back up again and start over with the people you love the most.
We have free resources like our mini-course and ebooks that teach you what to do if you wish to get your spouse back. We offer a 3-day intensive couples workshop to help couples understand what went wrong in their relationship and regain intimacy. Our workshops have a 70% success rate of saving marriages and helping you find happiness. Contact us today to book a free strategy call with one of our representatives. We believe reconciliation is always possible, and we want you to feel it too.