Navigating Intimacy: When Your Partner Says No to Sex

See this article for information about stress and health issues leading to sexless marriage and sexual rejection.

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“Why do I have to beg my husband to sleep with me?”

I casually mentioned a trip my husband and I took to a bed and breakfast and she started sobbing. I reached out and took her hand, waiting until she had calmed down before I asked her to share with me what was wrong. It took a few minutes, but she began sharing some very personal details about her marriage and sexual rejection.

She later gave me permission to write about what she shared in hope that others might learn from her experience. I’ll use fake names to protect their privacy. Let’s call them Emily and Phillip.

“Over the last few years I’ve been heartbroken by how Phillip reacts to me sexually. Or better yet, how he doesn’t,” she began.

They are both in their forties and have children in college. I had always assumed they had a great relationship and, since she was attractive, I wouldn’t have guessed that Phillip would be uninterested in having sex with her, especially since all we seem to hear from media these days is how men are always interested in sex and can be aroused easily.

Isn’t it only men, generally speaking, who have to deal with sexual rejection from their wives? I knew better from other conversations with women, but stereotypes and assumptions are difficult to overcome when it’s presented as fact from high-profile directions.

She continued.

“It wasn’t always this way. In fact, it was the other way around. He would reach out and touch me when we both laid down for bed and so often I would cut him off right there. I was either too tired, too stressed, wasn’t in ‘the mood,’ or some other reason.”

Ah yes, back to the cliche’s. She’s too tired, has a headache, etc.

She teared up at this point and was unable to continue for a few minutes. But some tea and my gentle words got her talking again.

“I couldn’t blame him if it was revenge. Sometimes I get out of the shower, and take my time putting the towel around me while he’s brushing his teeth or shaving but he barely even glances my direction. I recognized the look on my face in the mirror as the same one on his ten years ago. And I absolutely do feel ugly, unwanted, and unloved. I feel like my body is unworthy of his attention. He must have felt the same way ten years ago when he watched me show more interest in my makeup than my unclothed husband walking out of the shower.”

Again, tears before continuing.

“But he’s nicer about it than I was. Maybe because he knows how it feels. He hasn’t mocked me for feeling rejected. Or accused me of ‘only wanting one thing.’ In fact, he has apologized for saying ‘no.’ He has reacted sometimes by hugging me, but a kind rejection is still a rejection. It’s humiliating to beg, but I’m to the point I’m willing to try anything. I even blame myself.

Maybe if I hadn’t made sex so difficult for him to get over the years, he wouldn’t have reached the point to where he didn’t bother to try and, then, to where he stifled the desire and pushed it away so that he wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of being rejected repeatedly by the person who was supposed to be rejecting all others for him.

What a fool I was. I always liked it when we had sex. I’d say yes to laundry, the dishes, house work, and going to the gym, but for some reason I was too tired for sex, even though I liked it. Looking back from this point though, I remember how close I felt to him afterwards and how passionate I felt while we were making love. I have no idea why I seemed to forget that and why I made it so difficult for him. I tossed away something that brought us closer together and refused to do something that brought him such joy. Now I’m on the other side and I am miserable because of how it makes me feel and because of how guilty I feel for doing it to him years ago.”

Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Beam Holmes discuss the ramifications of sexual rejection and how it can effect much more than just the physical aspect of your relationship in this episode of Relationship Radio.

What Do I Do If My Spouse Won’t Have Sex With Me?

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I encourage you to refer your spouse to this article because I believe that thinking through some of this will be helpful. It is likely that your spouse doesn’t see sexual rejection as equal to telling you that he/she is not attracted to you. It’s inconsiderate, yes, but it’s also most likely in part from ignorance and that is something I truly hope I can help by sharing Emily’s story. Do your best to be patient and to make sex as pleasurable as possible for your spouse. Work to eliminate their excuses, if possible, because the more sex that you have with them the more likely it is that he/she will have renewed desire.

If you feel sexually rejected by your spouse, we have three specific suggestions. 

Consider What You Desire From Your Spouse Sexually 

Is what you desire within your spouse’s physical capabilities, within their beliefs and values?

Consider How To Approach Your Spouse

Next, consider how you approach your spouse about what you desire sexually (and why). It’s essential to find the right time and setting to have this conversation. You need to explain how you feel and not attack your spouse.

When To Seek Professional Help

Maybe what you desire is within your spouse’s capabilities and morals. If you are open with them about what you want, how you feel, and how your spouse’s cooperation would make you feel, and your spouse still rejects you sexually, it may be beneficial to seek professional help. (This may include abuse, rape, or past relationships that still affect your spouse today.)

If your spouse does not want to get help, consider how you approach them about this. Ask that your spouse does this for you as well as for themself. Be supportive.

Watch this teaching on YouTube

What If I Don’t Want To Have Sex With My Spouse?

Please take what I’m about to say into honest consideration.

This is the person who you shouldn’t reject, ignore, or “turn down.” Marriage is supposed to be acceptance by definition! Study after study has indicated that, not just the quality of sex, but the quantity, leads to feelings of happiness, connectedness, closeness, and commitment. Having sex often and passionately is an extremely positive thing for your marriage!

Though you should be placing your spouse above yourself, if you aren’t there yet, consider your future self. Life’s responsibilities and stresses shift and even if you don’t prioritize sex as you should now, it’s likely one of those “shifts” will, one day, also shift your sex drive meaning that you might be the one left out in the cold due to your spouse’s feelings of resentment, distance, or simply finding some way to do without because of your rejection. Consider the following quote from Emily:

“I’ve been surprised by what I usually feel immediately following his sexual rejection. I don’t immediately feel a shot to my ego, though that usually comes later. I didn’t immediately feel anger because I wasn’t going to get the sexual release I felt I needed, though that usually comes later as well. What I did feel immediately was that I was unloved and unwanted. It was then that I realized I had trained him not to want me. I did that by giving him two choices. One, to hurt. Or the other, to find a way to ignore his desire until he simply didn’t want me anymore. Over time, he had no choice.”

I know you don’t want your spouse to feel “unloved and unwanted,” but I’m here to tell you that if you are consistently rejecting him/her for sex, those are things your spouse almost certainly feels. And, unfortunately, that is how sexual refusal and sexual rejection affect a marriage.

Why Don’t I Want To Have Sex?

Are you refusing sex because you aren’t interested in doing what your spouse wants to do sexually? Or are you not interested in having it as often as they would like?

Whatever the reason may be, if you want to make love, that is your right. And, if you don’t want to make love, that is also your right.

However, if your spouse is genuinely sexually unfulfilled, and you refuse to be a vital part of their sex life, your marriage could end. How can we say this?! 

Dr. Joe Beam earned his Ph.D. studying the correlation between marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. Researchers and therapists have a worldwide consensus that marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction are strongly connected.

Over time, sexual rejection feels like a personal rejection. Your spouse may be wondering: “Am I not good enough?” Or, “Do you not love me?” This situation is unfortunate because, at the core, sex is a deeply personal connection with your spouse. It is a loving connection, a longing to be one with someone who also wants to be one with you.

So, what is the best approach? Here are three suggestions.

Timing Is Important

Analyze when it’s a good thing to reject sexually and when it may NOT be a good thing to do. Consider the physical, emotional, and moral well-being of yourself and your spouse.

Communicate With Your Spouse

Speak from your heart. Listen. Talk about what you FEEL and explain why. Offer alternatives.

Be Supportive

Have sensitivity toward the sexual difficulties between you two because of your past or spouse’s past. Be supportive.

Watch this teaching on YouTube

Research consistently shows that a satisfying sexual relationship is a cornerstone of overall marital happiness. In a 2016 Pew Research Center survey, 61% of married adults said a good sex life is “very important” to a successful marriage . Similarly, a 2013 study of married, employed women found a highly significant correlation (p ≤ 0.001) between sexual satisfaction and overall marital satisfaction, over half (56.4%) reported “extreme” sexual fulfillment, which strongly predicted how happy they felt in their marriage .

When sexual rejection becomes frequent, it not only hurts individual self-esteem but also chips away at the very metric, marital satisfaction, that keeps couples resilient during conflict.

I write this to encourage you to bring refreshment, connectedness, and intimacy back to your marriage by making a commitment to sexually fulfill your spouse (and yourself). It’s your spouse, after all, who should enjoy such fulfillment from you and vice versa.

Key Takeaway

Prioritizing intimacy isn’t just about romance, it’s statistically linked to how satisfied spouses feel about their entire marriage.