Is Fear Holding You Back?

Fear may be holding you back if there’s a decision you keep putting off because you don’t know how it will turn out. Dr. Kimberly’s advice is to stop letting fear make your decisions for you, and to make them based on courage instead.

Why am I so afraid to make this decision?

Dr. Kimberly says fear often holds us back for one reason. From where you’re standing right now, you can’t see the outcome. You’re scared to do something because you don’t know what will happen, so you don’t take any action at all.

It might be something in your marriage, like saying something specific to your spouse. It might be starting a new job, doing something with your children, or starting to volunteer somewhere. Dr. Kimberly doesn’t know what it looks like for you, but she asks you to name it. What is fear holding you back from right now?

Can fear make you miss out on something good?

When Dr. Kimberly was a kid, she was terrified of thunderstorms. She calls it a borderline phobia, to the point where she would not go out and do things.

When she was about eight or nine, her school was going on an overnight field trip to the Huntsville Space Center. It was going to be a ton of fun. But she was so scared a massive tornado would come and take her home away while she was gone that she didn’t want to leave. So she stayed home and missed the trip.

Looking back now, she sees how silly that was. But in the moment, she couldn’t see the bigger picture. She didn’t know much about life or about her future. She’d only been on the planet for nine years.

“I made a decision based on fear and I ended up missing out on something that could have been an amazing experience,” she says.

How do I stop letting fear make my decisions?

Dr. Kimberly’s encouragement is this: “do not let your fear make your decisions for you.”

As one of her best friends tells her all the time, are you leading your emotions, or are your emotions leading you?

Dr. Kimberly admits that too many times, she lets her emotions lead her. She says she needs to do a better job of taking control of her emotions, and of the fear that tells her “I can’t, I shouldn’t, or I won’t,” and then do it anyway.

If you’re facing a hard decision, these are the questions Dr. Kimberly asks you to think about:

• What is fear holding you back from right now?
• Are you leading your emotions, or are your emotions leading you?
• What would a decision based on courage look like for you today?

What happens when you face your fear?

Dr. Kimberly doesn’t know how your situation will turn out. But she does know what she has found in her own life. In the times she:

• faced fear and overcame it,
• did something she was scared to do, or
• faced a situation and was afraid of the outcome,

she always found a greater solution and a greater outcome than in the times she backed off because she was scared of what might happen.

That is why she encourages you to make decisions based on courage, not fear.

If the thing you’ve been afraid to face is a problem in your marriage, and you want help taking the next step, you can take this free quiz.

Dr. Kimberly’s full message, in her own words, is below.

The full conversation

Dr. Kimberly: When I was a kid, I was terrified of thunderstorms. That’s probably common for kids, but I had borderline phobia, to the point where I would not go out and do things.

For example, when I was about eight/nine years old, my school was going on an overnight field trip to the Huntsville Space Center. It was going to be great, a ton of fun. But I was so scared that there was going to be this massive tornado that would come and take my home away while I was gone, and I didn’t want to leave my home. So I missed the trip, I didn’t go.

Now that I’m much older and I look back on that and think: “How dumb was that of me? How silly was that?” But when I was “in the moment” during that time, I couldn’t see a bigger picture. All I could see was that young mind of mine. I didn’t know much about life, about my future, about how much longer I was going to live. I’d only been on the planet for nine years.

But in that moment I made a decision based on fear and I ended up missing out on something that could have been an amazing experience.

For you, there might be something going on in your life right now where fear is holding you back from making a decision. From what you can see in your perspective, right now, you are scared to do something because you don’t know what the outcome might be.

So that fear is holding you back from taking any action. What is that for you right now? Maybe you want to start a new job, maybe you want to say something specific to your spouse, or maybe you want to do something with your children, or you want to start volunteering somewhere. I don’t know what that looks like for you, but what is it that fear might be holding you back from? (Because you’re scared of doing something and you don’t know what the outcome would be..)

What I want to encourage you with today is this: do not let your fear make your decisions for you. As one of my best friends tells me all the time, are you leading your emotions or are your emotions leading you?

Too many times, I have to say, I let my emotions lead me. I need to do a better job at taking control of my emotions, taking control of that fear that’s telling me: “I can’t, I shouldn’t, or I won’t,” and I need to do it anyway.

What I have found from the times where I have:

• Faced fear and overcome it
• Done something I was scared to do
• Faced a situation and was afraid of the outcome,

I have always found a greater solution and a greater outcome than the times I backed off of it because I was scared of what might happen.

I encourage you today to make decisions based on courage, not make decisions based on fear. What does that look like for you today?

Related: Is something wrong in your marriage and you want help taking the next step? Take this free quiz.