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Why Men Don’t Need (Just) Respect
With Kimberly Holmes
Here’s What Society Says:
(0:00) Here’s the thing. We have been ingrained in our society to believe that men need respect and women need love.
Men need to be respected and to feel proud, and to know that their woman supports them, pushes them forward, and loves what they do. That’s what men need. But women, on the other hand, women need to be hugged and touched, i.e.: “Just do things for them to show them that you love them.”
There’s this message in society that says that: “Men need respect, women need love. If you just focus on each of those things, that is what’s gonna make your relationship work.”
Here’s What We Say:
(0:43) I’m here to tell you that is wrong. Here’s why. Men don’t just need respect. Women don’t just need love. When you saw the title of this, you probably thought, “What? Men absolutely need respect.” It might have caused a little anger to rise up in you. Like, “What does she mean by that?”
But here’s the thing. I’m not saying men don’t need respect. I’m not saying women don’t need love. But, when we classify it as: “Those are the only things that each of them need,” that is when things are going to fall apart.
Only Focusing On Respect
Because then, men can start acting like, “I don’t care what else you do, but everything you do, you need to show me respect.” Men can start demanding that. It can change the way they treat their wives. It can change the way that they expect things in their relationship.
And if women are only focusing on giving their husbands respect, then maybe they’re not doing other things their husbands need as well. Husbands need love and respect. They need both.
Only Focusing On Love
And women don’t just need love. If some husbands think, “Oh, all I have to do is give her a hug and a kiss every night and show her that I love her, but throughout the day I’m gonna tell her exactly what she needs to do, where she needs to go, and all of those kinds of things, but I’m showing her I love her.” That’s not how it works.
Both Need Both
Women, just like men, just as equally as men, need to be shown respect and both need to equally be shown love. Both need both.
(2:24) We shouldn’t have to choose. I mean, I never want have to choose, “Should I be respected by my husband or do I want to be loved by my husband?” I don’t want either. I want both. This is a both/and thing that we’re talking about here.
Here’s How You Can Rethink This:
(2:38) One way you can start repositioning how you think about your marriage and about what you can do for your spouse is asking yourself this:
Am I showing them that I love and respect them in the things that I’m doing?
Am I showing them that I’m proud of them?
Am I listening to them when they speak and not just listening to talk, but listening to understand what they’re saying?
Am I showing them that they can be an independent person, as well?
Or…am I trying to control every little thing that they’re doing? Because when people don’t feel like they are in control, don’t feel like they can make their own decisions, and don’t feel like their spouse supports them, then they can begin to feel disrespected.
When You Feel Disrespected You Also Feel Unloved
(3:20) In the same sense, when someone feels like they aren’t noticed or that they haven’t been paid attention to, or that there’s romance or intimacy lacking in their marriage, they can start to not feel loved.
We know from research that has occurred, that the top three reasons that people divorce is because they either don’t feel liked, they don’t feel loved, or they don’t feel respected. And so, all three of those things are important in building a positive relationship- wanting to come home to your husband or your wife every single night, wanting to kiss them goodnight, wanting to be lying there next to them when they wake up, and wanting to do life together with them. Those three things are important.
What To Do Next..
Maybe you’re sitting here thinking, “I don’t know how to do that. How do I show respect to my wife? How do I show love to my husband?” And a lot of times we overthink this.
We’re trying to find this solution, this “magic pill,” this, “If you just tell me X, Y and Z that I can do then I can go, and I can do it, and I can fix things.” But maybe, maybe, where you need to start is just by asking your spouse, “Hey what are some ways that I can show you that I love you? What are some things that I can do to help you feel that I respect you? Is there anything that I’m doing that makes you feel disrespected? Is there anything that I’m doing that makes you feel unloved?”
Sometimes it’s as simple as asking the question and then listening to what they say without getting defensive. Just listening. And then doing it. It makes all the difference in the world.
(5:07) If you need any more help with your marriage, if you’re thinking, “I need more of this. I need to know what else I can do to fix my marriage, to win my spouse back. I need all the help that I can get.” You can visit us at marriagehelper.com, you can call us at 866-903-0990 to be connected to a Client Representative. But, more than anything, but sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel so that you can see all the other videos we create. We’re here for you, we believe that your marriage can be better than it’s ever been before.