Why Men Don’t Need Respect

Men do need respect. What Dr. Kimberly pushes back on is the idea that respect is the only thing men need and love is the only thing women need. Husbands and wives both need to be loved and respected, and a marriage starts to fall apart when each spouse gets only one of the two.

Do men need respect more than love?

Most of us have heard some version of this message. Men need to be respected, to feel proud, and to know their wife supports them and pushes them forward. Women need to be hugged and touched and shown that they are loved. Focus on those two things, the thinking goes, and your relationship will work.

Dr. Kimberly’s answer is direct: “I’m here to tell you that is wrong.”

She isn’t saying men don’t need respect or that women don’t need love. Her point is that men don’t just need respect and women don’t just need love. Both need both. She would never want to have to choose between being respected by her husband and being loved by him. She wants both.

What happens when a marriage only focuses on respect?

When respect becomes the one thing a husband needs, Dr. Kimberly says, men can start demanding it. The attitude becomes: I don’t care what else you do, as long as you show me respect. That can change the way a man treats his wife and what he expects from the relationship.

It can leave him short as well. If a wife is only focused on giving her husband respect, she may not be doing the other things he needs. Husbands need love and respect. They need both.

What happens when a marriage only focuses on love?

The same thing happens in the other direction. Dr. Kimberly describes the husband who thinks all he has to do is give his wife a hug and a kiss every night, while he spends the rest of the day telling her exactly what she needs to do and where she needs to go.

“That’s not how it works,” she says. Women, just as much as men, need to be shown respect, and both need to be shown love.

Why do I feel disrespected in my marriage?

Dr. Kimberly ties feeling disrespected to feeling controlled. When people don’t feel like they are in control, don’t feel like they can make their own decisions, and don’t feel like their spouse supports them, they can begin to feel disrespected.

She suggests asking yourself a few questions about your own marriage:

• Am I showing my spouse that I love and respect them in the things I’m doing?
• Am I showing them that I’m proud of them?
• Am I listening to understand what they’re saying, and not just listening so I can talk?
• Am I showing them that they can be an independent person?
• Or am I trying to control every little thing they do?

Why do I feel unloved by my spouse?

On the other side, Dr. Kimberly says people start to feel unloved when they feel unnoticed, when no one is paying attention to them, or when romance and intimacy are missing from the marriage.

She points out that research shows the top three reasons people divorce are that they don’t feel liked, they don’t feel loved, or they don’t feel respected. All three matter if you want a marriage where you both want to come home to each other every night, kiss each other goodnight, wake up next to each other, and do life together.

How to show your spouse love and respect

If you’re thinking, “I don’t know how to do that,” Dr. Kimberly says a lot of us overthink it. We go looking for a magic pill, some list of X, Y and Z that will fix everything.

Her advice is simpler. Start by asking your spouse:

• What are some ways I can show you that I love you?
• What can I do to help you feel that I respect you?
• Is there anything I’m doing that makes you feel disrespected?
• Is there anything I’m doing that makes you feel unloved?

Then listen to what they say without getting defensive. Just listen. And then do it. Dr. Kimberly says something that simple can make all the difference in the world.

You can read Dr. Kimberly’s full talk, word for word, below.

The full conversation

Dr. Kimberly: Here’s the thing. We have been ingrained in our society to believe that men need respect and women need love.

Men need to be respected and to feel proud, and to know that their woman supports them, pushes them forward, and loves what they do. That’s what men need. But women, on the other hand, women need to be hugged and touched, i.e.: “Just do things for them to show them that you love them.”

There’s this message in society that says that: “Men need respect, women need love. If you just focus on each of those things, that is what’s gonna make your relationship work.”

I’m here to tell you that is wrong. Here’s why. Men don’t just need respect. Women don’t just need love. When you saw the title of this, you probably thought, “What? Men absolutely need respect.” It might have caused a little anger to rise up in you. Like, “What does she mean by that?”

But here’s the thing. I’m not saying men don’t need respect. I’m not saying women don’t need love. But, when we classify it as: “Those are the only things that each of them need,” that is when things are going to fall apart.

Because then, men can start acting like, “I don’t care what else you do, but everything you do, you need to show me respect.” Men can start demanding that. It can change the way they treat their wives. It can change the way that they expect things in their relationship.

And if women are only focusing on giving their husbands respect, then maybe they’re not doing other things their husbands need as well. Husbands need love and respect. They need both.

And women don’t just need love. If some husbands think, “Oh, all I have to do is give her a hug and a kiss every night and show her that I love her, but throughout the day I’m gonna tell her exactly what she needs to do, where she needs to go, and all of those kinds of things, but I’m showing her I love her.” That’s not how it works.

Women, just like men, just as equally as men, need to be shown respect and both need to equally be shown love. Both need both.

We shouldn’t have to choose. I mean, I never want have to choose, “Should I be respected by my husband or do I want to be loved by my husband?” I don’t want either. I want both. This is a both/and thing that we’re talking about here.

One way you can start repositioning how you think about your marriage and about what you can do for your spouse is asking yourself this:

• Am I showing them that I love and respect them in the things that I’m doing?
• Am I showing them that I’m proud of them?
• Am I listening to them when they speak and not just listening to talk, but listening to understand what they’re saying?
• Am I showing them that they can be an independent person, as well?
• Or…am I trying to control every little thing that they’re doing? Because when people don’t feel like they are in control, don’t feel like they can make their own decisions, and don’t feel like their spouse supports them, then they can begin to feel disrespected.

In the same sense, when someone feels like they aren’t noticed or that they haven’t been paid attention to, or that there’s romance or intimacy lacking in their marriage, they can start to not feel loved.

We know from research that has occurred, that the top three reasons that people divorce is because they either don’t feel liked, they don’t feel loved, or they don’t feel respected. And so, all three of those things are important in building a positive relationship- wanting to come home to your husband or your wife every single night, wanting to kiss them goodnight, wanting to be lying there next to them when they wake up, and wanting to do life together with them. Those three things are important.

Maybe you’re sitting here thinking, “I don’t know how to do that. How do I show respect to my wife? How do I show love to my husband?” And a lot of times we overthink this.

We’re trying to find this solution, this “magic pill,” this, “If you just tell me X, Y and Z that I can do then I can go, and I can do it, and I can fix things.” But maybe, maybe, where you need to start is just by asking your spouse, “Hey what are some ways that I can show you that I love you? What are some things that I can do to help you feel that I respect you? Is there anything that I’m doing that makes you feel disrespected? Is there anything that I’m doing that makes you feel unloved?”

Sometimes it’s as simple as asking the question and then listening to what they say without getting defensive. Just listening. And then doing it. It makes all the difference in the world.

If you need any more help with your marriage, if you’re thinking, “I need more of this. I need to know what else I can do to fix my marriage, to win my spouse back. I need all the help that I can get.” You can visit us at marriagehelper.com, you can call us at 866-903-0990 to be connected to a Client Representative. But, more than anything, but sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel so that you can see all the other videos we create. We’re here for you, we believe that your marriage can be better than it’s ever been before.

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