A very common question we hear from men is, “How can I be a better husband?” And I think that’s a pretty good question. Reading this article is a great first step to doing it. How to be a better husband?
Why are you asking this? Why would you be asking yourself this question right now? I mean, maybe it’s a personal growth thing. Perhaps you saw a relationship with another husband and wife, and you thought to yourself, “well, I think I’d like to be better at what I do.” Maybe your wife said something to you. I don’t know. Whatever happened there, for some reason, you’re asking this question, and it’s an excellent topic to discuss–how to be a better husband.
Well, it starts by saying this–a better husband equals a better human being. But it’s not just a gender-specific thing. It’s not like men can do certain things and get away with it and women can’t, or vice versa. So instead, how do we make someone feel? Or how do we contribute to the influences of somebody feeling loved, liked, and respected? See, we know by research that it’s one of the primary reasons for people divorcing. And so, what am I doing that’s evoking these emotions in my spouse? What could I do as a husband to be there?
Well, I need to be a good human being, and what are some things that a good human being does to be a good human to another?
First of all, you want to master your PIES.
PIES are essential because they help you be the best version of yourself. If you’re new to Marriage Helper, PIES are simply this: they’re physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual attraction. There are four attributes in which people are attracted to us, but they are also things that we want to work on to be the best version of ourselves and be attractive.
If I want to be a good person to people, I need to be getting rest. I need to be taking care of myself. I need to be living consistently with my values. Emotionally, I need to be a safe place. And if I can be a safe place emotionally, with all these other things, then I can provide a foundation for my spouse to be able to approach me; for us to be able to have conversations. See, we have these conversations with them, and we go into it with a thought of there’s no threat. We are just talking.
“Well, suppose my PIES are where they need to be.” In that case, if I’m strong, physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, I’m taking care of myself, then I’m more likely to have a good view of what someone’s saying back to me. In other words, I don’t see myself as broken, or needy, which could be broadcasted or projected upon my spouse. But instead, I have a good self-image. So, when my spouse and I begin to talk, I don’t become defensive and go at her as her husband. But instead, I can listen to understand, not to respond. Of course, this isn’t something easy, and it doesn’t always come naturally. But I can tell you it does work. Because if you can be the best version of yourself, you can be the right person for the relationship.
We know that good humans listen.
But not only do they listen, they also hear. Often, if my wife is speaking and I’m busy with something else, or I’m not paying attention, it leaves the interpretation of, “I don’t respect you. I don’t care about you because if you were important, I’d be listening.” We don’t want to leave that thought in our spouse’s mind because it produces fear. It creates a lack of trust.
What I want to do when my wife is speaking to me is listen to her. I want to hear what she’s saying. I want to try to understand what she is saying. Not in some journalistic question-everything way, but rather questions that lead me to understand how she feels, how I’ve hurt her, or something in between.We need to not only work on the PIES but listen and hear what they’re saying. You want to understand her, and you want this relationship to be powerful.
Be a well, not a fence.
You know, a lot of times, we are worried about what someone’s doing, or we don’t like what someone’s doing, so what happens is we can become controlling. You may not even mean to do it, but we start worrying that they could hurt themselves, or they could hurt others, or they could hurt me. And so, as a result, I start putting things around them. Maybe it’s words or actions or actual deeds. But somehow, I put them in the place where I’m controlling them, I’m letting them think that they have to do things my way. And that always deteriorates a relationship. It always will pull away. And not only that, but the person who that’s being done to usually feels controlled.
I don’t want to build a fence around my family. I don’t want to make a fence around my wife to keep her here, I want to dig a well because I know that it’s a place of provision. That’s a place of sustenance. That’s a place of refreshment. In the east, they do ranching a little differently than we do. They do it using a well. They don’t put fences up, but let their cattle and sheep free-range. But they know this – when they’re thirsty or hungry, they’re going to come back to the source.
See, as a husband, I want to be a source of joy, a source of encouragement, a source that can sustain my wife. So that she wants to be there, she wants to be a part of it. Not someone who controls her, but someone she wants to be around.
There are two sides to every story and every coin.
You know, many times, my wife and I have gotten into arguments, primarily due to my inability to see the other side. It’s like if I had a quarter and I was holding it right now, and you’re screaming heads, then I’m screaming tales. And I’m trying to convince you that it’s tales. And you’re trying to convince me that it’s heads, instead of looking at it and saying, you know what, it’s heads and tails. So it’s part of the same thing. Often, when we’re so busy trying to make our point, we forget to be able to hear that some other things are there.
I need to be careful that if I’m going to demonstrate respect to my wife, be a good husband, and be a good human, I have to remember there are two sides to this. And sometimes, just because I’m hurt or upset doesn’t mean that my wife did anything wrong. It could just be that we disagree. It could be, I see things differently. Nevertheless, you’re going to want to make sure you keep in mind that your way isn’t the only way. There’s more than one way to accomplish this goal. And if we can do that, we can compromise, which has value to our spouse. It’s crucial.
I need to work on myself, make myself the best I can be emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually. I need to be a person who listens, not so worried about putting my agenda out there but listening in a way that says, “I want to understand what you have to say.” Also, I need to be a source of sustenance–a well, not a wall. It’s important to remember that my way isn’t the only way, but we can compromise to get things done. I can demonstrate what a good person is, but also what a good husband is. I want my wife to want to love me, to love me out of her heart. Not out of something that I’ve tricked her into doing or making her do it.
It’s so easy to remember things people have done to us.
And if we remember enough of them, they’re like a single snowflake that starts building up and becomes a blizzard. We all screw up. We all make mistakes, but we all need forgiveness. And if we could have a short memory of wrongs done to us, maybe we can have a better memory of the rights we’ve had done and the good things that are happening. You want to be a great husband. You want to be a great human, treat them in a manner that shows they matter.
We always try to provide you with a free resource at the end of our articles. And that’s what we have. It’s called “It Starts With Attraction.” It’s a podcast that we’d love for you to listen to and see how you can be more attractive and work on being the best version of yourself. In addition to that, we have a paid resource that you can check out. It’s called the Art Of Attraction Toolkit, and it shows you how you can become the best person physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. We’ll talk to you soon.
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