How To Get Your Spouse To Work On The Marriage
The short answer
You can’t force your spouse to work on the marriage, but you can change what you bring to it. Start by mastering your PIES (physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual) so you can handle the stress and make wise decisions. Ask instead of trying to bulldoze their wall, refuse control and emotional manipulation, and look for chances to simply have fun together.
Key takeaways
- When your spouse won’t work on the marriage, start by mastering your own PIES so you are strong enough to handle the stress and make wise decisions.
- A spouse who doesn’t feel loved, liked or respected often puts up a wall, and you can’t bulldoze it; ask instead of forcing, and stay safe when they share.
- Control and emotional manipulation backfire, because people who feel controlled also feel disrespected, and a “pity role” is rarely attractive.
- Working on a marriage means living it out, so look for chances to simply have fun together without turning every date night into a business meeting.
How To Get Your Spouse To Work On The Marriage
If you’re in a struggle, or frustration with your spouse, and it seems like they don’t want to work on the marriage with you, I want to give you 5 helpful tips to stay focused and in tune with your vision.
Become A Master Of Your “PIES”
Here’s where to start: start by becoming the best “you” that you can be. We call this, being a master of your PIES- physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. At the very minimum, this puts you in a mental and emotional place where you can handle the stress that’s being elevated by this condition.
For example, physically, you’re taking care of yourself by eating right and sleeping. Emotionally, you’re not obsessing over your relationship. Intellectually, you’re growing yourself as a person. Spiritually, you’re in fidelity to your values. You’re becoming a person that is strong, who makes good decisions, and who is wise, and that’s what you need in these situations. So I want to encourage you to master your pies at all costs., For the best tips on the PIES, listen to the PIESCast podcast, hosted by Marriage Helper CEO, Kimberly Holmes: https://piesuniversity.com/piescast/
Remember Love, Like, & Respect
The second thing I would encourage you to do is remind yourself that marriages fail as a result of one (or both) partners not feeling loved, liked, or respected by their spouse. As a result of that, they have likely constructed a “wall of protection.” It’s not necessarily against you, but rather, it keeps them from being hurt from anything that might happen within the relationship because the intimacy has been challenged.
Now, if that wall is up, you can’t bulldoze it. You can’t “make” them take it down. Your spouse needs to trust you enough to take their wall down. And when they do that, they’re actually offering you the influence you may have lost as a result of the wall being put up. So don’t force it, ask. And when they share, be very safe. Don’t attack them and don’t put the blame on them- be healthy as you move forward in your discussion.
Do NOT Control
Also refuse to use any kind of control. One of the most common reasons people behind why people try to control another person is because they’re afraid: “I’m afraid about what’s going to happen,” or, “I’m afraid that you’ll hurt yourself, hurt me or someone else I love.” Even though this may sound like a good excuse, it’s not something you want to do. You want to be very careful about control because when people feel controlled, they also feel disrespected and this really hurts your cause of working on the marriage.
Do NOT Manipulate
The next thing I would say is be careful about using coercion or any kind of emotional manipulation. For example, this is something like, “If only they see how hurt I am, they’ll do it.” This doesn’t typically turn out well. Instead of doing that, show them that you’re a strong person, but you desire to work on the marriage. This is much better than placing yourself in a “pity role” because most people don’t find that attractive.
Live Out The Relationship!
Last of all, keep in mind that working on a marriage doesn’t just mean doing a book study together or watching videos. Working on a relationship is actually living out that relationship.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:, Are you living it?, Are you in it?, Are you finding opportunities to have fun?
And as a follow up to that last question- don’t go out to some restaurant and spend money just so you can fight over dinner. Don’t mix business with pleasure! Instead, go there and have a good time! Go out and have a good time and then do business or relationship things when it’s appropriate; when there’s an opportunity to do that. So remember to be living out the relationship, not just working on it. (And by the way, that’s what most people do in successful relationships that require a lot of devotion, hope, vision, and care.) We believe in you!
We have a Save My Marriage Course that could really help you and give you even more detailed instruction or advice., Learn more about the Save My Marriage Course here.
In addition to that, we have Coaches who can give you a little more insight., Learn more about Coaching here: https://marriagehelper.com/coaching/
We’re here for you and we’re believing for you! Take care.
Common questions
What do I do if my spouse doesn’t want to work on our marriage?
Start with yourself by working on your PIES: physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. That puts you in a mental and emotional place where you can handle the stress and make wise decisions.
Why did my spouse put up a wall?
Marriages fail when one or both partners stop feeling loved, liked, or respected, so a hurt spouse builds a wall to keep from being hurt again. You can’t bulldoze that wall; ask instead of forcing, and stay safe and blame-free when they do share.
Should I show my spouse how hurt I am so they will work on the marriage?
No. Guilt, control and emotional manipulation usually backfire, because people who feel controlled also feel disrespected. Show them you are a strong person who wants to work on the marriage, and look for chances to have fun together.