You shouldn’t have… but you did. You went looking through your spouse’s stuff and stumbled upon something that shocked you.
Or maybe you want to snoop… you think your spouse is hiding something!
When you think your spouse is hiding something, it makes you paranoid. When my husband did this- I had suspected he was hiding something for YEARS. Each time I asked him about it, he denied it. But as much as I wanted to believe him… deep down I didn’t.
There are many reasons why your spouse could be hiding something. And, just because they’re hiding something doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, or that your relationship is over, or that your relationship can’t be fixed. However, there are some things you should consider if you think (or if you know) your spouse is hiding something.
Why do you think your spouse is hiding something?
Has there been a change in your spouse’s behavior that leads you to believe they are indeed hiding something?
For example, we worked with one couple where the husband was absolutely convinced that his wife was having an affair (but he couldn’t pinpoint why.) There was little to no change in her behavior- she wasn’t gone from home, she wasn’t trying to hide her phone, etc. However, when her husband asked to check her phone constantly and called her constantly to check her whereabouts, she pushed back.
His paranoia ended up creating a big problem. His wife started to feel controlled. She pushed back, not because of what she was doing, but because her husband created the problem. Here’s what this example teaches: Don’t assume your spouse is hiding something and start treating them as if they were hiding something. If they are not hiding something… it will make everything worse. You need to know if your suspicions are based on reality.
If you’re thinking, “The only way to actually find out what’s going on is by snooping!” Here’s what you need to know: do not snoop. Do not snoop!
You may also be thinking, “How am I doing anything wrong if my spouse is the one who’s hiding something?”
First, it’s absolutely wrong for your spouse to hide things or lie to you. However, if you find something by snooping, what are you going to do with that newfound information?? Confront your spouse? Ignore it?
If you confront your spouse, what do you expect them to say? It won’t be good. Your spouse will get mad and defensive, feeling like you’ve betrayed them by violating their privacy.
The hard truth is your spouse will be mad at you even if it doesn’t seem fair or logical. The fact that you snooped will cause your spouse to focus on what you did (not what they’re doing wrong). Most likely, this will not provide opportunities to work on your relationship, as your spouse will be focusing on their hurt and anger.
So, what can you do if you suspect your spouse is hiding something?
If you can, talk to your spouse at a time where they feel safe. Often, a spouse hides something because they don’t feel like they have a safe place to share. Or, they hide something because they are doing something wrong and fear that the truth might hurt you. That being said, the safer you can make the environment, the more likely they are to open up and tell you the truth.
If you tried this, your spouse didn’t open up, and things got worse, here’s what we recommend. At the end of your conversation tell your spouse, “If you ever want to talk, I am here for you.” This leaves an opening for your spouse to come to you in the future. However, it may take time for them to feel comfortable opening up.
I need to say this as well- your spouse may never tell you the truth. You cannot make your spouse tell you something. You cannot make them be honest, even if you find something out and know they are hiding something.
But if you don’t know whether or not they’re hiding something, what would change if you knew? What would you do differently if you knew? It’s extremely difficult if you know a piece of information, but are unable to do anything about it after you find out. Most of the time, knowing if your spouse is hiding something doesn’t help. Knowing only benefits you if you are prepared to handle the information. So how can you make sure you’re prepared to handle what you may find out? Check out our three resources below:
First, work on you. Work on becoming the best you that you can be. https://marriagehelper.com/4-ways-to-attract-your-spouse-WNW-KHH/
Second, stop “push” behaviors: https://marriagehelper.com/save-your-marriage-while-separated-dln/
Third, get a Marriage Helper Coach. Our coaches can guide you through the specific nuances of your situation– and what you need to do to be able to handle it. They want to help you think these things through. Call us at 866-903-0990 for more information or click here and fill out the form.
There is hope, and we are here to help!
For an in-depth look at how to identify if your spouse is hiding something, check out this video!
