People file for divorce for numerous reasons. They no longer feel compatible with their partner, there is a lack of intimacy, they do not feel liked, loved, or understood. People don’t leave what they have unless they believe what they’re going is better. This is the underlying motive for separation and the real reason why people file for divorce.
They believe that being out of the marriage is better than being in it. That’s something to keep in mind, especially if your spouse wants a divorce and you don’t know what to do. There are many benefits to marriage. According to research at Marriage Helper, married couples live longer, have better financial stability, and experience happier lives together than divorced couples.
Of course, there are exceptions to this claim, like being married to someone abusive or dependent on drugs, but overall, marriage has its benefits, and marriage is worth it. Today, we dive into why people file for divorce and how to save your marriage going through the pains of separation.
People File for Divorce Because They Believe Where They’re Headed Is Better Than Where They Are Now.
Did you know the month of January has the highest divorce rates throughout the year? It’s partially due to the holidays intensifying your feelings. During the season, couples want to keep the peace for their families, so they bear through it.
After the holidays, they realize they can’t do it anymore, or an affair romanticizes the idea of being with their lover for the holidays instead. The bottom line, people don’t leave what they have unless where they’re going is better.
They believe life would be better without you than with you. Divorce isn’t always because someone else is in the picture. Some marriages are controlling, abusive, and manipulative, so being alone is better than experiencing that daily. Other times, it’s a lifestyle. People want to be someone else and live a certain way.
Sometimes it’s a party lifestyle they desire. Drug dependency, better finances, or living the high life with their affair partner. The need for that lifestyle drives them, and they believe that they can’t achieve that by being married to you.
Think about it in terms of pushes and pulls. A push is something that pushes your spouse away from you. A pull is something that draws your spouse away from you into the outside world. Arguing and disagreements are pushes. Your spouse hates constantly arguing, so this pushes them away from the relationship.
If something outside the marriage is pulling them, in other words, drawing their interests to that instead of you, then divorce is more likely. Fighting is the push, and a better, fun lifestyle is the pull. We recommend minimizing pushes and increasing your pulls in a marriage.
Divorce Stems From What You Experienced In Your Childhood
Let’s face it, no one’s childhood was perfect where nothing went wrong, and everything felt amazing. As we grow into adulthood, we suppress specific childhood experiences, especially traumatic ones. The way you grow up shapes the person you become as an adult. People often file for divorce or have an affair because of what they lacked as a child. Lack of affection, friendship, a proper role model, a loving parent, and those empty feelings transition into our adult relationships.
Whether you want to believe it or not, we are the product of our parents. Our actions are based on what we learned growing up. For example, a young boy who never received his mother’s love may get married and have an affair with another woman who reminds him of his mother and the love he never received from her. As a child, he desired her affections and never got it, so he is more vulnerable to women that overwhelm him with love and emotion.
It’s about wanting a secure and safe environment you didn’t get in your childhood. If your spouse grew up in a multiple marriage environment, they might crave the attention never received from the parent. Mentally and emotionally, these actions create an unsafe space for a child and their adult relationships.
Anything can trigger an emotional response causing your spouse to act insecure and unfaithfully. As neglected, abused, or hurt children, many come out feeling unloved or controlled for what they can offer instead of who they are. The need for unconditional love drives us. If you didn’t get it in your youth, anything that reminds your spouse of those negative experiences is a push. Over time these pushes may drive them to divorce.
- Feeling like your spouse doesn’t respect you
- Past traumas
- Drug abuse/addiction
- Pushing or controlling behaviors
- A lifestyle desire
- Constant arguments or fighting
Your Spouse Is Filing for Divorce Because Susceptibility Leads to Vulnerability
Susceptibility makes us more vulnerable. Susceptibility is the likelihood of doing something or being influenced by a particular thing. As humans, there are different triggers we might feel powerless to. Drug dependency may surface from the void you feel because of a missing parent or your peers.
A boy who was rejected or bullied by his peers for being fat or unattractive is more vulnerable to an affair with a young woman that finds him attractive as an older man. The formula goes like this: Susceptibility → Vulnerability → Probability → Possibility.
The more susceptible you are to a trigger, the more vulnerable you feel when surrounded by it. Vulnerability increases the probability of indulging in the trigger. Indulging increases the possibility to act unfaithfully or irrationally once exposed to your stimulus. Someone who is an alcoholic but lives in a country where alcohol is banned has a high susceptibility to drink but a low probability of becoming an alcoholic.
The Things We Missed In Our Childhood Cause Dependency In Our Adult Years
For instance, the attention we lacked creates a dependence for it in our adult years, causing affairs or inappropriate behaviors. You depend on chemically fulfilling your need when things you lack become available. Abuse creates wants and needs from your spouse. You don’t leave what you have unless you’re going to something better. Another reason people file for divorce or have an affair is grief from a parent that’s passed.
As a betrayed spouse or spouse facing divorce, there isn’t much you can do about your spouse’s vulnerability to temptations. Your spouse would have to come to terms with their conflicts through therapy or by you being a safe space for honesty. Acting as a safe space is a significant pull for your spouse and saving your marriage.
Your spouse wants to feel accepted without judgments or raging arguments breaking the relationship. Other times, people file for divorce because they no longer feel connected to their spouse. If you believe you are going through this, there are ways to win back their love. Check out our free mini-course to win your spouse back and build a better relationship.
Ways to Stop Your Divorce If Your Marriage Is Ending
There is no secret formula to marriage. 1 out of 3 marriages faces marital problems because couples wait six years before seeking help. It took time to get here, so it will take time to get back to a healed space. Whether you get back with your spouse or file for divorce, no matter what happens, there is always hope. You are your greatest asset. Rely on becoming more vital for yourself and working on your physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual skills (PIES). Once you start building your PIES, your attraction grows, making yourself more alluring for your spouse or your next relationship. Every relationship is different, so these are general tips for stopping your divorce or having a healthier marriage. Ways to stop a divorce or better your marriage include:
- Removing negative behaviors
- Complimenting your spouse
- Building a space for honesty without judgments
- Developing a friendship
- Marriage Coaching
- Marriage Workshops
Decrease Your Pushes and Increase Your Pulls to Stop Your Divorce
Stop the behaviors that annoy, nag, or frustrate your spouse. Increase behaviors that make them laugh, smile, feel respected, loved or understood. Sometimes pulls also include giving your spouse space and building your attraction. Patience is key.
Stop Your Divorce and Get Help From Marriage Helper
If your spouse wants a divorce, but you don’t feel the same, contact the Marriage Helper team for help in getting your spouse back. We have many free resources to offer like self-help articles, ebooks, coaching calls, couples workshops, and more. We have seen the worst of the worst when it comes to broken relationships. Through our programs, we have a 70% success rate at fixing marriages that last a lifetime.
Reconciliation is complex. Understanding the part you played in your marriage offers self-reflection and positive changes your spouse will notice over time. Our couples workshop teaches communication, building intimacy, stopping anger, and working together to strengthen your connection. We base our programs on psychology, neuroscience, emotional attraction, and social science. From our positive testimonials and success rates, we confidently believe if anything works, this will. Book a call with one of our client representatives today and learn how to save your marriage.