Introduction: What if Your Husband Hates You?
With Kimberly Holmes
0:00 Have you ever felt like your husband hates you? I am no stranger to this feeling.
Just talking girl to girl, there’s definitely been times in my marriage, in one particular time in my marriage, where every interaction I had with my husband made me feel like I was doing something wrong.
He was angry… He was cold…He was distant…
..and I kept wondering, “What is it that I’ve done? Why is he acting like this? Is this going to last forever? Because I don’t know that I can continue the rest of my life in a marriage where one person is acting like this.” I totally get how you feel.
Let me ask you some questions..
I want to help guide you through possibly figuring out why your husband is acting this way and why it may seem like he hates you.
Question #1: Have you considered his situation?
The first question I want to ask you is this:
Is there anything else going on in your husband’s life that could be leading him to be angry, resentful, cold, or distant from you?
Whether it’s things going on at work, with his parents, with his friends, or anything making him stressed out, feeling less like a man, or affecting him in a negative way…any or all of these things could affect the way he treats YOU. Maybe he’s feeling insecure about another area of his life. Because of that insecurity, he interacts with you differently than he did before. But maybe there’s not something going on outside of your marriage.
Question #2: Have you considered yourself?
(1:35) Ask yourself this:
Has there been anything about our interactions in the past that might be leading my husband to be cold, distant, or angry toward me?
Maybe, in the past, you have treated your husband more like a child- telling him what to do and when to do it. Or even, to pick up his clothes, to do this, that, or the other. Yes, I get it. As a wife, there are things we want done. A lot of the time, we feel like we need to take the reins and tell our husbands what to do; otherwise it would never get done. (I’ve said that way too many times!) And, what ended up happening was my husband began to feel completely disrespected by me. He felt like I didn’t care about what he wanted to do, what his thoughts were, or anything like that.
Eventually, he did not want to interact with me as much, because every time we would interact, I told him something I thought he should do. Or, I would tell him something to do differently. Sometimes, I would even tell him when he didn’t do something right the first time. (Overall, you can see how my critiques caused him to not want to have any conversations with me.)
Question #3: Have you shared secrets?
(2:50) Here’s another thing to consider:
Have you told your friends, your family, or your husband’s friends or family… OR (heaven forbid) everyone on social media…Things in your husband’s life that he wanted PRIVATE between the two of you?
If so, that could also keep him from opening up to you. You see, our husbands need a safe place. They want to know that they can tell us things they wouldn’t tell anyone else because that’s what we are there for- for them. So, when we take their private information and start telling other people about it…maybe that’s not what our husbands wanted. And, because of this, our husbands don’t trust us as much and don’t want to open up to us; which, can lead them to become cold and distant.
Question #4: What’s being withheld?
(3:44) Another thing to consider is:
Have you been withholding intimacy from your husband because he hasn’t done things the way you wanted him to?
This is a HUGE thing.
Both men and women need respect.
Both men and women need intimacy.
Both men and women need physical touch.
Both men and women need what happens inside the bedroom.
We both need that, but women ultimately have that end “say” of whether or not we want something to happen. Consider to yourself: “Have I been withholding when maybe I shouldn’t have been withholding?” Really think about yourself.
And again, These are Guidelines.
Just so you know…these are all guidelines or premises to go by. By no means…is this an exhaustive list of all of the reasons your husband may act differently toward you with anger, bitterness, and cold shoulders, but it’s a place to start. When you can start here by assessing: “Has there been something I have done, even if I didn’t intend that outcome, that has ended up leading my husband to distance himself from me?”
I say this because that was what it was for me. I wasn’t treating my husband with respect. I wasn’t being the person he could confide in. So, when I began to change those two things about me, he began to open up to me more! I know that the typical, first thought that we go to is, “Well, my husband is the one who’s treating me differently. He needs to be the one to change because I’m not the one treating him like this.” While that’s true, it’s important for us as wives to look into it deeply and say, “Did I have any part of this? If I did, what is it that I can do to change?”
Now, maybe you didn’t.
Maybe there’s something going on in your husband’s life that’s affecting him in this way. The thing you can do for him right now is to be that strong support for him (even if your husband isn’t doing anything right now.) Maybe he lost his job, and he’s in the middle of looking for a job. What you (really) want to say to him is: “You need to be applying to three jobs a day!! You have to support this family!!” But, that’s not what your husband needs to hear right now.
What he needs to hear is: You believe in him! You support him! And, your actions show him respect.
Change happens with conversation.
(6:07) No matter what the situation is, there IS a way to get your marriage back to where it used to be…
…BETTER than what it used to be…
…AND for your husband to treat you with love and kindness again!
Here’s how: Having a conversation. Again, have you talked to your husband about this? Let me begin by saying, have you talked to your husband about this in a way where he doesn’t feel attacked?
I know the first thought we have in approaching our husbands might be: “Hey, you’ve been acting like a real jerk lately. You need to change.” PLEASE don’t approach your husband like that. That’s only going to make him more defensive. And, it isn’t going to get you to that end goal of getting your marriage back to the love and kindness that used to be there.
Instead of approaching your husband like that, I encourage you to approach your husband like this:
“Hey, is there anything that’s been going on lately?
Because if there has been, I would love to just listen.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here for you.
I want you to know that I’m your biggest fan. I’m your biggest supporter,
and I want us to be on the same team,
whatever that looks like.”
In this way, you’re opening up an opportunity for your husband to come to you and just talk. When he does come to you to talk, you need to just listen.
You don’t want to listen…in order to become defensive.
You don’t want to listen…and, as you’re listening, be formulating your response back.
Just listen. It might be that what your husband needs right now is a friend. Having a conversation with your husband is the best way to get to the bottom of what’s going on. If you’re able to have the conversation in a way that’s safe, where you’re not fighting or attacking each other, then your husband feels like he can be open and honest with you about the way he’s feeling. If that scares you, or if you don’t know how to do that, we can help you!
We’re Here to Help.
(8:16) At Marriage Helper, we teach an amazing, three-day workshop that turns marriages around (especially marriages that are in this kind of situation!) I can tell you that from where my husband and I were five years ago to where we are now is a 180-degree difference. It’s all because of Marriage Helper.
We would love to help you, tell you about our workshops, and tell you about the coaching that we offer.
Whatever we can do to help you, we would love to.
Visit us at MarriageHelper.com, or
Call us at: 866-903-0990.