Are you constantly thinking, “why does my wife hate me?”… And you have no idea what to do?
You’ve come to the right place. If you are in a situation where your wife has become angry, cold, or distant; or completely shut you off, then you’re probably wondering: “What is it that I have done? How did it get this way? And more than anything, is it going to be like this for the rest of our marriage?”
You don’t know if you can live like this for the rest of your marriage…
You’d much rather go back to the way things used to be; or to a better marriage than you ever had before.
But right now you don’t even know if that’s possible because she is so closed off from you.
I’m Going To Ask You A Few Questions
I’m going to ask you a few questions to help you determine the root of your wife’s behaviors (i.e. Why is she acting this way right now?) What I can tell you is that there is hope for your marriage. There is a way to get your marriage back, to even better than it used to be, but it does involve some investigation. That’s what we’re going to do here.
Typically, when there’s stuff going on in your marriage it’s not just one thing. It’s not just that your wife is angry at you, but there are probably some other things going on. Let’s get to the bottom of it.
Question #1: What Is Your Wife Facing In Her Life Right Now?
Here’s question number one: Is there anything currently going on in your wife’s life that might make her a little more distant? Is there something going on with her work, her family, her friends, or the kids that’s really stressful for her right now?
Maybe she’s undergoing something where she doesn’t feel appreciated. Maybe there have been cutbacks at her job. Maybe she’s just so overwhelmed with everything at home that she can’t juggle it all anymore; she’s become resentful of the situation. Even if it’s not you it may just be the situation she’s in. Maybe she feels like she needs help and she doesn’t know where to turn to get it. There are tons of different things that could be going on, externally from your marriage, that could be affecting the way your wife is acting toward you- now. So, consider that. Think if there might be anything else contributing to her actions. If there is, that might be one part of the puzzle.
Question #2: How Have You Been Treating Your Wife?
Is there anything that you have done toward your wife, said to your wife, or something similar that may have caused her to become more distant, angry, or resentful? For example:
Have you been treating your wife more like a child than your equal?
Have you been telling her what she needs to do; what she can and can’t spend money on?
Have you been telling her where she can spend her time, what she needs to believe, or how she needs to act?
If so, then it very well could be that your wife feels controlled. She could be feeling sick of it and she might resent you for it. She feels like she can’t be her own person anymore. And because of that, she’s distanced herself in order to have some control over her own life. Because ultimately, that’s what she wants.
Question #3: Has Your Wife’s Confidentiality Been Broken?
Have you told your friends, your family, your kids, social media, or whoever/whatever anything that your wife told you in confidence?
Maybe she shared with you something she’s struggling with and you went and decided to tell a bunch of other people?
But, she only wanted to confide in you. If so, then that could be one reason that your wife has started to distance herself from you. That is, she doesn’t feel like she can trust you. Your wife wants someone she can trust; someone she can go to who will keep her secrets safe. She wants someone who will walk with her through it- not just tell her what she needs to do or tell everyone else what she’s going through. She needs someone who will be her side-by-side support and not blast everything to the world.
Question #4: Have You Been Withholding?
Have you been withholding things from your wife because she hasn’t been doing things the way you want her to?
Are you withholding intimacy- just you and her talking, spending time together, touching, holding hands, even having sex- because you feel like she’s not doing something that you think she should be doing?
For example, she’s not doing the dishes the “right way…”
she’s spent too much money…
or she’s not listening to and implementing your advice in her life…
It makes you angry– therefore, you have been withholding yourself- even from conversations with her.
Or have you been working too much so you haven’t been there?
You’ve been withholding your time from her because you’ve been too busy.
Or have you been too stressed in other areas of your life in order to spend time with your wife?
She may be becoming resentful of that.
She’s become angry and that is what you’re seeing.
What To Do Next: Take Initiative With A Conversation
This was not an exhaustive list of everything that could be going on and/or what your wife is showing you in the way she’s acting towards you.
But, it’s a place to start in your thinking.
Ultimately, the best thing you can do is have a conversation with your wife and figure out, from her, why she’s acting this way.
Let me give you a piece of advice when you start that conversation with your wife: Don’t begin it in a way that automatically starts off on a bad foot.
Don’t go to your wife and say: “You’ve become a real jerk lately. Why are you acting like this? You need to straighten up. You shouldn’t act like this. You shouldn’t be this way.” That will not lead to a productive conversation because it causes your wife to become defensive- ultimately leading to a fight!
Instead, I encourage you to do it like this: “Hey, it seems like maybe there’s been something bothering you lately or things in your life have been stressing you out. And if I’ve done anything to contribute to that, I would love to know what that is, because ultimately I wanna be on your team. I wanna be your partner in this. I wanna support you however I can. So let me know what that looks like and I wanna be able to help.”
When you start the question like that, you’re positioning yourself on her side as her teammate and her partner-not someone opposing her as her enemy.
Here’s How Your Wife May Respond:
When you do that, listening to what she says without becoming defensive, she may start telling you:
“I do need more help with the kids”
“I do need more help with the household chores…”
OR whatever it might be.
Don’t defend yourself and say: “I work 80 hours a week, so I can’t do that.” That is not going lead to a productive conversation.
You don’t have to make all the decisions about how to move forward right now.
Thank her for sharing with you.
Say you want to help as much as you can.
You will figure it out – how to make it happen.
Whatever you do, make sure you respond to your wife in a way where she does not feel attacked. If you want her to tell you the truth, then you need to react to her in a way where she will continue to want to tell you the truth.
So, listen to what she has to say; truly listen.
This is the best thing you can start doing right now to begin moving forward.
If You Want Some Help With That
Now, you might be thinking:
“I don’t really know how to do that. I think we need help with this.”
Well, I have good news for you. At Marriage Helper, we’ve worked with thousands of couples in situations like yours. We have an amazing success rate at helping you overcome these hurdles and have that marriage you’ve always wanted. Or, even better than your marriage before you felt that your wife hated you. At Marriage Helper, we have coaching, workshops, and online courses.
But no matter what, we want to help you move forward in having a better marriage than ever.
And however we can help you, we would love to. You can call our team at 866-903-0990 or contact us on this page and you’ll be connected with a Client Representative who can get you plugged in to the best resources for your situation. For more Marriage Helper videos, visit our YouTube channel here.
So, if you found this content helpful, let us know!
We would love to hear from you. And maybe there’s a friend you need to share it with who needs to hear this too. We would love that as well.
See you next time.