Negative Communication Ruining Marriage
The short answer
Arguing is not what wrecks a marriage; the damage comes from failing to reconnect after a fight and from contempt that turns your spouse into the problem. Conflict is healthy when you feel secure enough to disagree. To reconnect, remember the problem is the problem, assume the best because you are on the same team, and know it is okay to get help.
Key takeaways
- Fighting is normal and even healthy when you feel secure enough to disagree; failing to reconnect afterward is what does the damage.
- Contempt turns your spouse into the problem, leaving them feeling something is wrong with them, so they shut down or pull away.
- To reconnect, remember the problem is the problem, assume the best about your spouse, and get help if you need it.
Marriage Fights: This Will Destroy Your Relationship | Marriage Helper
EVERYONE should have fights in their marriage. (Okay, we know this sounds pretty shocking, but there’s a reason why we say this.)
Here’s the thing, conflict in a marriage is healthy when you feel secure enough to disagree with your spouse. And the truth is, fights do not ruin your marriage. The failure to reconnect AFTER a fight is what can ruin your marriage.
For example, when you first get married, you discover many things you didn’t know about each other. Seeing each other on a daily basis brings new things to light… and new issues… like leaving the toilet seat up. For Kimberly, this little issue turned into a huge fight.
She tried asking her husband, demanding him- even using logic- to get him to change. But nothing was working. He was angry and mad. She thought he was acting stupid. He thought she was acting stupid. Both of them focused on each other, and missed the big picture- you need to focus on YOURSELF.
When we fight, we don’t often focus on the problem, but turn our spouse into the problem. Here are some examples: “If you were different everything would be better,” or, “Something is wrong with you,” or, “You aren’t right…You need to CHANGE for me to love you.” In these situations it’s so easy to create a story of what your spouse was thinking, feeling, and doing. But that is the wrong approach.
This is where the word “contempt” comes into play. With contempt you feel like something is wrong with you. You shut down…maybe even distance yourself from the other person.
To counteract this, here are 3 specific steps you can take- right now! First, remember that your spouse is NOT the problem. The problem is the problem. It all comes down to the core issue of not feeling loved, liked or respected. Second, assume the BEST and remember you are on the same team. Third, know that it’s OKAY to get help. We want to remove the stigma of “getting help for your marriage.”
Our vision at Marriage Helper is to help people with their relationship issues in a way that is positive, effective, and fun! That is, talking to real people who’ve been where you are in life, and want to walk you through it.
This is real life. This is real marriage. No, it’s not perfect and not easy, but it’s absolutely worth fighting for.
Related: Do you have the four horsemen in your marriage? Get better communication tips here!
Common questions
Is it normal to fight in marriage?
Yes. Conflict is healthy when you feel secure enough to disagree with your spouse. Fights themselves don’t ruin a marriage; the failure to reconnect after a fight is what can.
What does contempt look like when couples fight?
Contempt is turning your spouse into the problem, with lines like “something is wrong with you” or “you need to change for me to love you.” It leaves the other person feeling something is wrong with them, so they shut down or pull away.
How do I reconnect with my spouse after a fight?
Remember your spouse is not the problem; the problem is the problem, and it usually comes down to not feeling loved, liked, or respected. Assume the best, remember you are on the same team, and know it’s okay to get help.