Why Trying to ‘Fix it’ Does Not Help
The short answer
Trying to fix it does not help because advice and logic given first can make your spouse feel criticized and unaccepted, even when you mean well. When someone shares an emotion, answer with an emotion first, such as “I am so sad you are going through that.” Once your spouse feels understood and cared for, they may ask for your input.
Key takeaways
- Jumping in with advice when your spouse shares a hard feeling can leave them feeling criticized and alone, even when you mean to help.
- When someone shares an emotion, respond first with an emotion of your own, such as sadness that they are going through it.
- If your spouse describes a situation without naming a feeling, name it for them, like “That must have made you feel overwhelmed.”
- Once your spouse feels understood and cared for, they may ask for your advice on their own.
Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.”
So often in marriage, our good intentions toward our spouse just do not get through in the way we intend. Recently while meeting with a newly married young couple, the wife was frustrated that her husband was not sympathetic when she told him about her difficulties at work. She comes home feeling disappointed and annoyed by the situation she had to endure. She needs to talk about it, to vent. However, her husband’s response is not what she had hoped for. Though his intent is to help her, he actually makes things worse. What does he do? He tries to fix it. First, he gets angry and then gives an abundance of advice. “If you would just take control of this situation…” or, “Why don’t you just tell your coworker …” Then he expresses anger at her for the situation she is in.
It does not take a psychologist to figure out that his response is not going to make her feel better. Nor does it empower her to go to work the next day and do what he suggested would solve the problem. Rather, it leaves her feeling even more frustrated. In addition, she feels rejected and criticized by the one she thought would be her support system. Now, compounding her problems, she is not only frustrated about her work situation, but about her marriage as well. If she cannot share her feelings about work with her husband and get understanding, where can she go? She certainly is not going to share her concerns with him tomorrow.
How frequently this scene plays out in relationships. Yet there is a simple relationship principle that can easily “fix” this problem: When someone shares an emotion, the first response to him or her should always be an emotion. Ask yourself this question: How do I feel about what this person is going through? Then share that with him or her. Alternatively, if the person shares a situation with you but does not express an emotion, say, “Wow, that must have made you feel ____________________.” (Insignificant, angry, overwhelmed, peaceful, etc.)
Imagine if the husband in the scenario above said, “I am so sad that you are going through that at work.” Or, “You must feel so frustrated by that situation. Do you think you should do anything?” Chances are the wife would have felt understood and cared for and may choose to discuss it further. The husband at that point may be asked for his input or advice. This is an easy principle to apply in any relationship. It helps the person in the relationship to feel valued, validated and cared for. It only takes a sentence or two. Too often, our tendency is to give logic and advice first, which makes the other person feel criticized and unaccepted, as though their feelings are unimportant. I wonder how many arguments start right there.
It is easy to show we care but sometimes we need coaching to break bad habits learned in childhood and previous relationships. Let your good intentions shine through by learning to communicate in ways that your spouse can receive positively. Small changes like this one can make a big difference in meeting needs in the relationship. Try it out today and see if this principle works for you.
If your marriage is in danger of separation or divorce, call us at (866) 903-0990 to speak with someone or use the form below to request more information about our Marriage Helper workshop for troubled marriages. We can help you save your marriage even in cases of infidelity, loss of trust, anger, sexual problems, and other issues. (If you’re thinking your spouse would never come, contact us by phone or the form below and we’ll tell you what others who felt the same way did to get their spouses there.) We will keep everything you tell us completely confidential. Our motivation is to help you determine if this workshop is right for you and your particular situation. We also offer solutions for couples who can’t attend the workshop.
Common questions
Why does my wife get upset when I give her advice?
When she shares a hard feeling and you jump straight to advice, it can feel like criticism and rejection from the person she counted on for support. Then she is frustrated about the marriage as well as the original problem.
What should I say when my spouse vents to me?
Ask yourself how you feel about what they are going through, and share that first. If they describe a situation without naming a feeling, try, “Wow, that must have made you feel overwhelmed,” or whatever word fits.
How do I stop trying to fix my spouse’s problems?
Many of us learned to lead with logic and advice in childhood or past relationships, and sometimes it takes coaching to break that habit. Start small; responding to a feeling with a feeling only takes a sentence or two.