When your husband wants to leave you, it’s extremely painful. You still love him. You thought you’d be together for a lifetime. You’ve been counting on it. You’ve shared your life up to this point. Maybe you have children together, and you can’t imagine why in the world he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. You have thoughts like, “Have I done something wrong? Can I not compete? Compare? I mean, what’s going on here?” Is it possible to stop your husband from leaving you?
In this short video, I certainly can’t tell you all the things that your husband may be thinking, but I can tell you that there’s hope even if he’s adamant that he wants to leave you.
Hi, I’m Dr. Joe beam with MH international. I’ve worked with marriages for more than a quarter of a century, and the vast majority of those marriages have been marriages in crisis.
We’ve had a pretty good success rate, but it’s not 100%. I can’t tell you I’ll give you the magic words or the magic formula, and if you do what I say, everything’s going to be hunky-dory from now on because I won’t lie to you. I can give you some suggestions that if you do these things, you dramatically increase the likelihood of saving a marriage, putting it back together, making it good again, as we’ve been able to help thousands to do.
Again, I can’t explain it all in very few minutes right here, but let me give you three very important things to not do. Three very important things that you should do if, indeed, you still love your husband and you want to try to put this marriage back together.
Even if he looks at you and says, “I don’t want to be with you anymore. I’m not in love with you anymore. I want to be with somebody else. I want to be someplace else.”
I know those words hurt tremendously to hear.
Try to think of it this way. “Well, that’s the way he feels today, not necessarily the way he’s going to feel next month, next quarter, next year.”
The fact that he feels that now is what he believes to be his reality, but he’s not thinking beyond right now. He may think he is. He may be thinking he’s planning his whole future ahead, and it’s not going to involve you. But trust me, if he’s telling you this, it’s in all likelihood because of what he feels at the moment.
One thing about life that is always true is that’s these emotions change.
So, please don’t panic. He fell into love with you once. He can fall in love with you again, even if he thinks that’s impossible and if you think that’s impossible. There’s a way out of this, not a guaranteed way, but a pretty sure way, and we’ll help you follow that path. We call it the “LovePath,” and we’ll show you how to help him develop a love for you again as you strengthen your love for him.
I’m not guaranteeing 100% because people make their own decisions. I’m telling you that this system has been very powerful, and it has worked for so many thousands over the years.
Don’t focus on saving the relationship.
I know that sounds contradictory. “What? Don’t focus on saving the relationship? That’s why I actually turned this video on. I want to know how to do that.” You see, desperate thoughts often lead to desperate actions.
When you’re focused on trying to save the marriage, you’ll wind up making some unwise decisions. You’re going to do some things because the emotions are pushing you that are not smart things to do. You’re going to leave off doing some things you should do because your emotions are going in the other direction.
In other words, if you focus on saving the marriage, you’re going to be on a tight rope that you can’t walk. It’ll be extremely frustrating if you try. You’ll constantly be falling off one side or the other and getting angry with yourself, thinking, “I can’t do this.”
So, please stop focusing on saving the marriage. While you’re focusing on saving the marriage, if you do that, which I’m telling you, you really shouldn’t. That’s when you’re more likely to hear and heed advice from people who will give you very, very bad advice.
Be wary of people telling you what to do and how to do it, and those kinds of things. If you’re so focused on saving the marriage, you’ll tend to strike at every lure. You’ll tend to buy everything that you hear, and this person will be telling you this, and somebody will be trying to sell you that. Then your family member will tell you this and talk about a tight rope you can’t walk.
At the same time, quite a bit of that council will be very, very bad. Not because they’re necessarily bad people, but there are some bad people, and they will give you bad advice, but the rest of them are not bad people. It’s just that they love you so much that they’re hurt by this person who’s hurt you, and their advice tends not to work very well.
They either base it on their own experiences or the experiences other people have told them about, and that’s not broad enough. It would be best if you had advice that’s much broader and wider than a person’s experience or a person’s friend.
Don’t focus on whatever’s pulling your spouse away from you.
One thing we are well-known for at MH International is we talk about pushes and pulls. We talk about the fact that if you’re going to put a relationship back together, you need to evaluate everything that you do. You need to look at things that you have done that you’ve stopped doing as well.
Evaluate these things that have pushed your spouse away from you. We talk about pushes that you actually should do. There are some pushes you must not stop. There are other pushes that you need to stop as quickly as you can.
We talk about the fact that we don’t want you pushing your spouse away, which is more likely if you panic, more likely if you’re listening to other people who don’t really understand what they’re talking about.
If there is some pull out there already pulling your spouse away, it could be another person, a fantasy, a dream, some goal that they’re trying to reach, and there could be any number of things pulling them away from you.
If you start thinking, “I’ve got to fight that my husband, for example, is in love with that other woman, so she’s the problem. If she just went away, everything would be okay.” Wrong. That is not the right answer. I’ve been doing this for more than a quarter of a century. Trust me.
You should not be trying to think about her; if there’s a her. It could be any number of things. Is it an addiction? Is it, like I said earlier, some fantasy that he’s chasing?
Whatever it might be, don’t think about that because you don’t have to compete with that. You can’t compete with that.
If you’re going to think of a competition at all, you’re in competition with yourself to become the best you that you can possibly be.
So, did you hear those three don’ts?
Don’t focus on saving the relationship or the pull that’s leading your spouse away from you.
What should you be doing?
Focus on your pulls.
It’s not enough to reduce your nonessential pushes. As you decrease your pushes, you’re going to be increasing your pulls. Not trying to compete with whatever might be holding his attention elsewhere. You focus on your own pulls because every pull also has pushes involved with it.
Whatever this thing is over there that might look so wonderful to your husband right now won’t always. “Whatever” is going to have pushes at some point down the line. As you start decreasing your pushes and increasing your pulls, you make it much more likely that your spouse can come back to you.
I realize I’m just touching the hem with a garment on this, but you understand this is a short video. We actually have a course out there where I explain all this in great detail.
As you increase your pulls, you’re going to increase the thing we call PIES. PIES – Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual.
Physically by becoming the best you can be physically at your age and situation in life, you don’t need plastic surgery.
Intellectually learning about things that are of interest to your husband so that you can have conversations with him where you’re going to actually enjoy and communicate with each other.
Emotional, where you learn how to reduce the pushes that evoke emotions within him that he does not enjoy feeling. Learning how to do things that evoke emotions within him that he enjoys feeling, which becomes a great big strong pull back toward you.
You’ll need to focus on the spiritual as well, which has to do with your beliefs and values.
You can actually go to PIESUniversity.com. You can find all kinds of information there about this if you wish to help you with your PIES because those become the pulls.
Focus on your pulls, and try to be as understanding and accepting as you possibly can be. Try to understand what your husband’s feeling. Try to understand what he thinks it is that he’s going after and then accept what he feels even if you don’t like it.
You don’t have to accept his behavior, but if you can accept him.
Who he is, what he thinks, what he feels, understanding those things can be a very powerful pull. It’s part of what we call the love path.
It’s unlikely that change will happen overnight. You didn’t get into this situation overnight. Even if you think you did because you just found out about it. Whatever it is, in all likelihood, it’s been going on for a while.
Therefore, don’t try to fix it overnight.
Remember we said earlier, don’t focus on trying to fix the problem. That’s not going to be a good thing. You focus on doing what you need to do while being patient because it takes a while to do this.
Three of the main ingredients of love between a husband and wife have to do with intimacy, passion, and commitment. Passion can ebb and flow pretty rapidly. It can come rapidly, and it can go away rapidly. Intimacy – openness, transparency, and vulnerability – develops slowly. It involves understanding the person as he or she is. It ends slowly, and if it redevelops, it has to redevelop slowly.
Commitment builds up slowly, and if you redevelop it, you have to develop it slowly as well. As I said earlier, there’s no magic bullet. So, be patient and understanding, and it can be done.
Finally, educate yourself.
There are all kinds of things about relationships that you think you know, some of which might be correct. Some of which may be incorrect and many things you haven’t heard before.
It’s not rocket science. It’s the kind of thing that when we teach people about it, as soon as they hear it, they go, “That makes sense. I guess a part of me kind of already knew that, but now I get it.”
We would love to help educate you. You can find a lot of videos at YouTube.com/MarriageHelper. There are hundreds of videos there that are free. When you’re there, and you may be there right now watching this, be sure you subscribe because that helps us help other people.
Please help us that way because the more you subscribe, the more visibility we have. The more visibility we have, the more people we can help.
We have tons of free resources on our website.
We want to do all those things for you, but if you need more than that, we want to help you with that. If you call our number (866-903-0990), you can talk to one of our client representatives. They’re not counselors. They’re not therapists. They’re not going to take a half-hour or hour to try to help you through your problem, but they’ll take 10 or 15 minutes, and they’ll listen and understand. Then they’ll direct you to the best resource we have for you.
So, give them a call. They don’t pressure anybody. Give them a call, and they’ll help you find the best resource that we have. If we don’t have a resource for you, they’ll tell you that.
You can also find our online course, Save My Marriage. It has 12 different videos, about a half-hour each. About six hours worth of information there, and a workbook to work through, transcripts, and all kinds of things in that Save My Marriage course that you can ask your client representative about when you call.
If you’re ready and willing to make this kind of commitment, we have one more thing: our workshop.
We have what we call a “solo spouse” workshop. In other words, “my spouse won’t come right now, but I want the advantage of your workshop, which, as I understand, is the “creme de la creme” of all the things you do. It is.
We have a version of that for you as a solo spouse, where you can learn amazing things, which will equip you in much better ways to help your spouse come back and put this marriage back together. That’s three full days, okay?
The online course Saved My Marriage is over six hours so understand there’s a lot more in that course than we can do there.
Whatever the case is, did you get those three don’ts and three do’s?
Don’t focus on saving the relationship.
Don’t focus on the pull that’s pulling your spouse away from you.
Do focus on your pulls, do focus on being patient, do focus on educating yourself.
There’s hope. We’ve seen it happen so many times, and we’d love to help you.