Lover vs. Marriage: The Difficult Choice
The short answer
When your spouse is involved with another person but still seems interested in you, they are in what Marriage Helper calls “The Valley,” living between two relationships without having to choose. If you can tolerate it, the time they spend with you can, with time, bring them home. Ultimatums typically do not get the results people hope for.
Key takeaways
- Marriage Helper calls it “The Valley” when your spouse keeps a relationship with both you and an affair partner without choosing either one.
- The time your spouse still spends with you can work in your favor, as long as you can tolerate the situation.
- If the affair is also going well, your spouse may feel no need to change, which is the hard side of The Valley.
- Ultimatums rarely get the result you want; learning what to do and what not to do brings more peace.
We hear from people who say things like, “My spouse is involved with another person, but also seems interested in me. Is this something other people face?”
The answer is… Absolutely.
As a matter of fact, we have a name for it. We call it “The Valley.”
Your spouse is having a good relationship with the affair partner as well as with the spouse that is being abandoned. This double life has pros and cons.
The pro can be that he or she is spending time with you, and if it appears to be working well. As long as you can tolerate this, it may well be to your advantage. It can with time bring him/her home.
The con is that he/she is still with the other woman or man, and that relationship may be going well also. If so, he/she won’t feel any need to change anything.
If your spouse is in The Valley, you may be feeling confused.
Your spouse is doing things that lead you to believe your marriage is going to end. Yet, at the same time, they may be showing signs they don’t want to let go of you. The Valley is about your spouse being in-between two things and not having to make a choice right now. People may say they are getting the best of both worlds.
You may be asking yourself, “Should I allow my spouse to be in the valley?” Or, “Should I set a boundary for myself and force my spouse to make a choice?”
If you want your spouse to finally make a choice, ultimatums typically do NOT yield the results people are hoping for. Instead, we will share with you practical steps to bring you the sense of peace you are searching for.
If you are ready to learn what TO DO and what NOT TO DO when your spouse is in The Valley, listen to this 50 minute episode where Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Holmes share what has worked best in the thousands of marriages that have been saved.
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Common questions
Why won’t my spouse choose between me and the affair partner?
When both relationships seem to be going well, your spouse may feel they have the best of both worlds and no reason to choose yet. Marriage Helper calls this in-between place The Valley.
Should I give my spouse an ultimatum to end the affair?
Usually not. Dr. Joe and Dr. Kimberly have seen that ultimatums rarely get the result a hurting spouse hopes for, so the episode focuses on practical steps that bring you more peace instead.
Why is my cheating spouse still spending time with me?
Many spouses in an affair keep a connection to the marriage because they don’t want to let go of you yet. If you can tolerate it, that time together can work in your favor and, over time, may help bring them home.