One of the most common statements I’ve heard over the years is, “Well, we’re having marital problems, but my spouse still wants to sleep with me.” Now, sometimes that just means sleep. Maybe they want to be in the same bed as you. But more often, that sentence means, “My spouse wants to have sex with me. What do you think? Should I have sex with my spouse after they cheated on me?” So let’s talk about that in this episode of Relationship Radio.
Remember This
There is one thing in all of this that is so important to remember. Any time we talk about deciding to sleep with your spouse or not sleep with your spouse, any sexual encounter should always be your decision. Let me say that again. Anything involving sex in your marriage should ALWAYS be your decision. And that goes for a husband or a wife.
It is essential that a person never feels that they’ve been coerced or forced into having sex with someone else. It’s also important to realize that maybe you shouldn’t deny yourself some desires, especially if your spouse is still your spouse. That’s what we’ll navigate in this article. I’ve even discussed this topic in more detail here. But let me give you some of the highlights.
What Are The Pros?
What are the pros if you want to sleep in the same bed or have sex with your spouse after they cheated? And what are the cons?
Well, the pro has to do with intimacy. If you’re in the same bed, it’s creating some level of intimacy. If you’re having sex with each other, it’s creating a level of intimacy. And just the fact that you’re near each other can produce some oxytocin. Oxytocin is a bonding chemical. It’s the chemical that instigates childbirth in a female. A strong bonding chemical starts the childbirth process, putting you into labor. And if the father is in the room for the baby’s birth, he will also have a burst of oxytocin. So oxytocin is bonding, which will instantly bond you to that new child you’ve just brought into existence.
Just being close to each other produces some oxytocin. The fact that you cuddle or hug each other produces oxytocin. But, other than the amount generated to start labor, the most significant amount of oxytocin arrives at orgasm. And it goes into you in two different ways: one into the autonomic nervous system and the other into your bloodstream as a hormone. So, bonding takes place if you’re having sex with each other. That’s a pro.
Another pro is your own fulfillment. There are benefits to having sex. And if you want to do that for you, then why not? If your spouse is not having sex with somebody else, if neither one of you is having sex with anybody else, then fulfill your sexual needs with each other. But, it would help if you offered some degree of safety. In other words, worrying about venereal disease or things like that is essential. But, there are some cons as well.
There Can Be Cons
If your spouse thinks that they can do whatever they want and that you’re still going to climb into bed with them, it could be giving the wrong message. Like, “I’m okay with the fact that you’re having an affair. I’m okay with the fact that you’re getting drunk every Friday night.” So you need to think, “Okay, am I giving the wrong message?”
There are still other things to consider. If your spouse is involved with someone else, then understand that there may be potential health problems if you have sex with them. You don’t know what they might be picking up from that other person in the affair. Or if there’s more than one person, it makes it even worse. So you need to stop and think about that.
Sometimes, I’ve heard people say this, “Okay, I’ll sleep with you. But first, we have to do a few tests. First, we need to make sure you don’t have an STD. And if you’re clean, then okay, I’ll sleep with you again.”
And then the final con is, don’t do it if you think, “Oh, this means my spouse is coming back.” Because while sex is bonding, and it can help in the process of putting things back together, you can get false hope from it if you think it’s going to do something miraculous.
How Do You Decide?
So how does someone know what to do? I mean, there are a lot of pros and cons. And some of you may still be confused about how to make a decision. So it’s crucial to remember that there is no absolute. It’s still a matter of you making your own decision. And that’s what we said at the beginning: it should be your decision.
So, what I would recommend is for you to make a list. For example, under intimacy, oxytocin, your own fulfillment, and safety, write down your thoughts and ideas about that with your spouse. And then, on the cons, write down the likelihood of the wrong message, and are you feeling protected health-wise? And can you handle the false hope? Make your notes, because some people think better when they write. So I suggest you sit down, take a piece of paper, and draw two columns. Here are the reasons it might be good. Here are the reasons that might be bad. And then make your own decision.
We Are Here For You
No matter what you decide, we at Marriage Helper are here to help you put your marriage back together. If you genuinely want to turn your relationship around and make the marriage better than it’s ever been, we want to help you in any way we can. We have a FREE mini-course called “How To Get Your Spouse Back” that starts you on the journey of saving your marriage and connecting with our material.
If you’re unsure what your situation needs or what to do next, get in touch with one of our Client Representatives here. They’re not coaches, they’re not counselors, but they can guide you to the best next step for your situation, no matter what is going on. We have workshops, courses, and coaching to help you accomplish your marriage goals.
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