Married To A Controlling Wife

Being controlled by anyone is terrible, but it’s especially painful when the person controlling you is the person who should be the most accepting of you; your wife. So what do you do if you’re married to a controlling wife? How can you break free of someone who controls your thoughts, decisions, passions, and hobbies?

Breaking Down The Areas Of Control

First, we should define what being controlled in a marriage means. Controlling, in this instance, is best described as an uneven and unhealthy balance of power in the relationship. At Marriage Helper, we have an acronym called PIES which stands for physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. We use these areas to break down the ways control is often demonstrated in marriage.

What might it look like to have a physically controlling wife? Withholding sex can be a powerful way to control someone. This is often seen when the wife is trying to get her way, so she takes away intimacy from her husband as a punishment until he gives in.

While it’s more common to hear of a man being physically dominant over a woman, we can still see a reversal of the situation. Men might generally be bigger and stronger, but there have been many instances of a woman physically threatening violence. Let’s be clear; physical violence is never ok. While you might not fear for your life, you could still be in danger of being seriously injured. If the current situation you are in is unsafe, get to safety immediately.

And finally, a more nuanced form of physical control can come in the form of finances. For example, if your wife makes more money or controls the cash flow, she could use that power to withhold money in a way that wouldn’t allow you to function normally.

Other Areas Of Control

Intellectual control can be just as varied as physical control. For example, we’ve seen many instances where a controlling wife will argue with her husband until she gets what she wants. Many times the argument isn’t even resolved; the husband just agrees with her to end the argument. Using intellectual control almost always makes the husband feel worse about himself, his wife, and the relationship.

Emotional control is probably the one we see the most with our clients at Marriage Helper. Their wives don’t control them physically or yell at them, but they criticize, belittle, and cut down their husbands. Men often cite respect as one of the most essential qualities of the relationship, and controlling wives will use it to their advantage. 

Finally, there is spiritual control. This area of control is second on the most seen list. Spiritual control is closely related to emotional control but utilizes religious texts and moral principles to enact it. Many Americans come from a Christian background, and their wives’ knowledge of the Bible gives them ammunition to control their husbands. They quote passages such as, Jesus said you shouldn’t divorce your wife except in situations of infidelity, if they talk about divorce. Or, according to the Bible, you as the husband should care for me as you care for your own body. Or perhaps the cruelest, Paul says your body belongs to me and that you shouldn’t withhold it from me sexually. In these situations, the wife is using religious text to prey on her husband’s piety to obtain what she wants.