Understanding a Cold & Distant Spouse: 3 Tips
The short answer
To understand a cold and distant spouse, start by not assuming the behavior is about you, since something at work or a conversation they had may be the cause. Gently ask whether something is wrong, then believe the answer. If they say all is well, keep living life as normal and work on becoming your best self physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.
Key takeaways
- A cold or distant spouse may be dealing with something that has nothing to do with you, like stress at work, so try not to assume it is about you or get defensive.
- Gently ask whether something is wrong or whether you did something wrong, and then believe the answer your spouse gives you.
- If your spouse says all is well, keep living life as normal rather than turning guarded or returning coldness for coldness.
- Put your energy into becoming your best self physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, because that is how you gain positive influence.
How To Understand A Cold And Distant Spouse
If your spouse seems more cold and distant, it’s concerning. Everyone wants to have a good, warm relationship with their spouse; one where you’re enjoying your interactions, so it makes sense to feel concerned if you notice your spouse distancing themselves from you. You may be asking yourself, “What am I going to do about that?” Or, “How am I going to handle that?”
If you’re in a situation where your spouse is cold or distant, I want to share some understanding with you and provide you with some next steps.
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Don’t Assume Their Behavior Is About You
First, don’t assume that the behavior you’re seeing in your spouse is about you. (And don’t put yourself in a negative, defensive mindset.) There may be a completely different reason why your spouse appears distant. Maybe it’s something from work, maybe it’s a conversation they had… Whatever it may be, assume that it’s not about you.
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If You Ask Them, Believe Them!
Next, you can learn more about what’s going on. You can ask your spouse, “It appears that we seem a little disconnected. Is something wrong or did I do something wrong? Are you okay?” And if you ask them, believe them! Be prepared to believe their answer.
And what if your spouse says everything is fine? Then, continue life as normal! Don’t change what you’re doing. Don’t act guarded or treat them poorly, because these behaviors are what can actually affect your spouse in a negative way.
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Work To Become The Best You Can Be
Only when you have different information from your spouse can you can react in a positive way to gain influence. So do not return coldness for coldness. Instead, be the best you can be physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Learn how to become a better you in each of these areas with the PIES Podcast.
“Only when you have different information from your spouse can you can react in a positive way to gain influence.”
You can also get one-on-one (or couples) coaching with a Marriage Helper Coach!
Know that we are here to support you, every step of the way! We’re believing for you and your marriage. To speak with a client representative, please one-on-one coaching.
For more Marriage Helper content, visit our YouTube Channel here!
Common questions
Why is my spouse suddenly cold and distant?
There may be a reason that has nothing to do with you, like something at work or a conversation they had. Don’t assume the behavior is about you, and don’t slip into a negative, defensive mindset.
Should I ask my spouse why they seem distant?
Yes. Gently say that the two of you seem a little disconnected and ask whether something is wrong or whether you did something wrong. Then be prepared to believe their answer.
What should I do if my distant spouse says everything is fine?
Believe them and continue life as normal. Don’t act guarded or return coldness for coldness, because those behaviors can affect your spouse in a negative way. Instead, work on being your best physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.