3 Ways To End An Affair
If you’re currently in an affair, or if you know somebody who is, these three things will be extremely important to you.
If you are in an affair and deeply, emotionally connected to the other person, these three things still work if you do them.
You might be thinking, “I’m not sure I want out of the affair.” If you’re trying to make that decision, we can help. Get specific help on deciding to end an affair with the Affair Toolkit. Click here to learn more about the Affair Toolkit.
1. Make an Irrevocable Decision
But if you’re ready to end the affair, here’s the first thing you do. You make an irrevocable decision.
What I mean by that is you say to yourself, “I am definitely going to end this.” You can’t be thinking, “I’m going to try to end this. But if I don’t feel right about it, I’ll come back to it.”
Or, “I’m going to try to end this and save my marriage, and if that doesn’t work out, then I’m going to come back to this.”
Because if you do it that way, in the back of your mind, there’s always an escape clause. Like, “Yeah, I’ve kind of made a decision, but not necessarily so.”
If you’re asking, “Are you saying if I make an irrevocable decision that I still may not, at some point change my mind?” People sometimes do change their mind, but you can’t start the decision that way. Like, “I’m going to have a way out of this if I decide to change my mind.” No, if you’re going to end it, tell yourself, this is it is the final decision. This is all I’m going to do. I’m going to end the affair.
“If you’re going to end it, tell yourself this is the final decision.”
2. Stop ALL Contact With The Other Person
Now, the second thing is, if you make an irrevocable decision, then you have to stop all contact with the other person. You CANNOT:
You can’t do anything. And if the other person tries to contact you, you can not answer that call. You can not respond to that text, you can not respond to that email.
You say “why?” Because it’s unfair. If the other person developed a strong emotional connection to you then responding to their texts, emails, or calls, gives them false hope. You’re actually extenuating their pain. I mean, they want to be with you. You understand that. You had wanted to be with them, but now you’ve made the decision, “No, I’m not going to do this anymore.”
“Responding to them gives them false hope.”
Do not torture the other person by continuing to have contact with them. This gives them some kind of hope that you’re going to change your mind and come back. If you genuinely care about them, don’t do that. It’s not fair to them.
And it’s certainly not fair to you. If you made that irrevocable decision, (yes, I know you may vacillate sometimes later) then any contact you have with this person is going to potentially recreate that desire to go back. You see, making that decision to end does not necessarily end the emotion.
And those emotions can be quite strong. And sometimes you’ll find yourself thinking, “Oh, I wish I could just talk to him or talk to her for just a minute.” Or, “I really miss him.” Or even, “I cannot possibly make it without him or her.” Then if you make contact, you start this thing all over again.
Otherwise, it extenuates your pain, their pain, and your spouse’s pain.
As a matter of fact, some of you who are reading this have been through that experience. You know that what I’m describing is very, very true. It’s not the right way to do it. It extenuates your pain. It extenuates the pain of the person you’ve been involved with.
And if either of you are married to somebody else, it extends their pain as well. It’s just not the right thing to do. So you can’t have any contact with the other person, no matter what. Even if you hear they got sick, you can’t call and check on them. If you hear they’ve been in an automobile accident, you cannot call and check on them. I know it sounds harsh, but trust me, we’ve been in this business for a whole long time. We have worked with thousands upon thousands of marriages, and this is the way to do it. Even if it sounds harsh or mean, it’s not mean. It’s actually the kindest thing you can do.
“You can’t have any contact with the other person, no matter what.”
3. Don’t Check-In On Them
Don’t Check-In On Them “Through The Grapevine”
The third thing is, don’t try to check on the other person in some other fashion. Don’t go talking to his or her friends, trying to find out, “How is she doing? Is she dating somebody else? Is he dating somebody else or these kinds of things happening?”
Don’t Check-In On Them Through Social Media
That’s just going to make you more miserable. Do not try to keep up with them by reading their social media.
Do not check-in through talking to their friends, through contacting people that you think might have some information about them. Even if you’re not asking directly, you’re hinting around enough. You’re at least leading directions of the conversations in such a way that you think you’re going to wind up getting information about them.
It’s not a good thing to do. It’s going to hurt you longer and can again, potentially open the door and if they discover that you’ve been trying to find that information about them. It is going to recreate hope and they’re going to try to open the door to come back.
And, Remember These Three Things
And so if you’re going to end an affair, remember those three things: 1. Irrevocable decision. Now, I know you may vacillate later, but don’t you dare think you’re going to be vacillating! It’s “I’m making this decision, this decision once and for all.” 2. No contact with that person. None, anymore. Ever. 3. Not trying to check on him or her, either. Understand? No to that.
If you can do these three things, you can end this affair. You can, and you can get past it and move on with your life and do the best thing for everybody that’s involved.
If your marriage has been impacted by an affair, the Affair Toolkit will help you understand what happened, determine what next steps you need to take, and find peace with the situation.
- We have 2 Affair Toolkits- one for the hurt spouse, and one for the spouse needing help in deciding to end the affair.