So you’re separated, but you don’t want to be. What are some positive signs during separation to look for that may indicate you can put your marriage back together?
I was in a podcast yesterday where we talked about how difficult it can be to put a marriage back together when one spouse wants out. And that is likely where you are right now.
You have a spouse who wants out for whatever reason; you’re separated, divorcing, whatever it might be. The podcast hosts asked how we at Marriage Helper can work with the situations we do and have such high success. Typically, counselors have a tough time working with separated couples or those getting divorced.
They asked me how to give hope to the hopeless. I responded by saying, “There are two things that need to happen. The first is teaching people what they did that led them here. And the second is teaching them what to do differently to bring their spouse back.” That’s the value of our free mini-course. If anything works, what we begin teaching you in the free mini-course will. It’s less than 30 minutes long, but it can help you bring your spouse back.
Positive Signs To Look For During Separation That Can Lead To Reconciliation.
I will share with you the positive signs to look for in separation. But the most important thing is that you first learn about the two things that led you here and what to do now. You likely won’t see any positive signs until you change what’s going on.
Here’s what we know: you and your spouse are separated. Continuing to do the same poor relationship behaviors or bad habits that lead you here won’t get you to where you want to be. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. That is only true when you are happily married. In a crisis, absence makes the heart grow peaceful. Because typically, once you separate, one or both of you is now experiencing some relief.
That situation is not necessarily good because it makes coming back together more of an obstacle. But it’s not impossible.
They Are Starting To Open Up
There are two reasons that people separate. Number one is they want to leave, or number two is because their spouse tells them to leave. So whether you want your spouse gone, or they chose to leave on their own, here’s one thing that is probably true: you stopped talking to each other. Yes, there may be some text here or there about kids or finances, maybe some brief phone calls. But you’re probably not best friends right now; it’s perhaps pretty hostile.
But when you start changing the way you communicate with SMART Contact, you will begin to see your spouse want to talk to you more and begin to open up. This is a positive sign to look for during separation. It happened with me and my husband, Rob, when we had separated for a short period of time. I spent days not hearing from him. Then out of nowhere, he sent me one message saying that he would buy a new car.
At that time, I had a coach, and I remember going to that coach and saying to him, “He says he’s going to buy a car. I can’t believe he’s going to buy a car. Why would he do that?” And my coach said to me, “Okay, it may not be the wisest thing right now, but will it break you? Will it hurt your finances? Ruin your family’s life?” So I said, “It’s not ideal. But no, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.” And he said, “Well, then don’t fight about it. It’s not worth the fight.”
So I didn’t. I just said okay, so after that, a couple of days later, Rob actually called me, and even though he was still acting cool and distant, he started to open up to me. He started talking about how he missed being home. He didn’t feel like he had been a good husband over the past couple of months. And I was just able to sit and listen. So as I sat and listened, he kept opening up more.
They Want To Be Around You More
When someone opens up to you and feels safe in the conversation, they will want to be around you more. It’s really about safety. Do I feel like this person can accept me as I am? That’s what we’re all looking for in a relationship.
People are attracted to that and will want to be around you more when they feel like you are safe and understand their wishes, feelings, and desires. We’ve had several clients that we’ve worked with at Marriage Helper who are separated. However, because of the changes their spouse saw in them and how they communicated differently, the spouse would start coming around more often, lingering at child drop-offs or wanting to come over after work to pick something up. And then they end up staying for dinner, and maybe even up until bedtime.
People want to be around others who evoke emotions that they enjoy feeling. This is a very positive sign and a great sign during separation.
They Miss Their Life
The third positive sign is that they mention missing being around you, the kids, or being in the house. Please don’t use this as a chance to break your spouse or make them feel guilty for not being there. Instead, use it as a chance to allow them to come over and spend more time with you and the kids, as long as it’s healthy to do so. Sometimes, people think they need to keep their spouse away or follow this whole no contact thing you hear about on YouTube. That’s the worst thing you can do if you want to save your marriage.
If it’s safe to do so, why would you want to keep your spouse away when they want to spend more time with you? That is your chance to show all of your changes and spend time connecting positively and healthily with your spouse.
How To Begin Reconciliation
If reconciliation is going to happen, you have to start spending more time together. Have you noticed any of these positive signs so far in your separation? If so, that is an excellent step towards reconciliation.
If not, then that is even more reason for you to explore our free mini-course. You will learn more things that you can begin doing to see the positive signs during separation. If you want to save your marriage, do not give up. We know that it’s hard, but we are here for you. Fill out this form to get in contact with us to talk about how we can best help you and your marriage. There is always hope.