My Spouse Is LEAVING ME (What To Do Next)
If your spouse has told you “I’m leaving,” it can be one of the most painful things you’ve experienced. I mean, when you get married, you make a promise, “ ‘til death do us part.” And now, here you are- somewhere in the life cycle of your marriage, finding yourself looking at divorce. But we want to encourage you to be careful about not letting this destroy you- it doesn’t have to.
And in this article, we’ll give you practical tips to help you thrive in the middle of this time- until you can get back to where you need (and want to be) in your relationship.
This is not the end of the world.
The first thing I want to encourage you to do is to remind yourself that this is not the end of the world. It’s not. I mean, it may FEEL like it because you’ve had hopes, dreams, and plans, and they’re not seeming to come together. Or perhaps you have children and you’re worried about them. With that being said, yes, this is a serious event, but it’s not the end of the world. Your life will continue.
Also, this is not the end of your relationship. While this may be a detour right now, we want you to know we’ve spoken to thousands of couples who filed for divorce, were in the thick of it, and have come out of it! They’ve restored, reconciled, and developed a new marriage!
Last of all, remember that your spouse didn’t come to this decision last night. They didn’t decide it over breakfast this morning. This is something that’s been working in their heart and mind for some time. And it’s probably a result of their perspective on the relationship. For example, they may feel like they’re not loved, liked, or something like that. But what you need to realize is it didn’t break overnight. It’s not going to fix overnight.
“What you need to realize is it didn’t break overnight. It’s not going to fix overnight.”
This is a marathon, not a sprint. So stay focused on the fact that this is not the end of the world. Get a different perspective on where it is now.
But, it may feel like it.
Now, listen carefully. It may feel like the end of the world. But try to learn how to see things in a better light by reframing your perspective or having positive thoughts. And, I want to encourage you to get a good view of the actual size of this thing. It’s big, but it’s not the end of the world.
I also want to encourage you to resist begging, resist pleading, or even blaming. A lot of times when a spouse is leaving, people will tell their spouse “Here, I will change. I’ll do anything!” While I appreciate your heart at this point, listen carefully. Remember your spouse didn’t make this decision overnight and it’s probably something they believe strongly in. So your promises at that moment won’t bear a lot of weight. You’ve probably lost some influence. And this may not be a good thing to hear now (it may even be hard to hear right now) but it’s important to know where you are. Begging, pleading, or explaining what you will do…. those are really not what’s going to make a difference.
So, what makes the most difference?
1. Fresh Vision.
What’s going to truly make a difference is fresh vision. When your spouse can see that their perspective was wrong about the relationship and about you. There may also be some things you need to change. This is not changing the core of who you are, but rather changing your behavior- the example of what you feel. And, that’s what’s being interpreted by your spouse.
So I would encourage you to keep that in mind that really, this is a loss of vision for your spouse. And if you’re going to stand, you’ve got to be someone who has fresh, firm vision for this relationship. Not based on circumstances, but in spite of them, it’s not the end. You don’t have to quit.
“If you’re going to stand, you’ve got to be someone who has fresh, firm vision for this relationship- not based on circumstances.”
2. SMART Contact™
I would likewise encourage you to start using SMART Contact. This means you need to resist things that push your spouse away and start doing things that pull your spouse toward you.
You can start communicating in a more strategic way with the SMART Contact Toolkit: Get the SMART Contact Toolkit here!
3. People Who Will Encourage You Toward Your Vision
Another thing that makes the most difference is your community. Be careful about who you tell about your marriage crisis. You see, you need people around you who are going to encourage you toward your vision; people who are going to speak life into you. You do not want to surround yourself with people who are going to call your spouse names or tell you bad things.
Again, you need to surround yourself with people who are going to lift you up. You may even need people, at times, to distract you from conversations about your relationship.
All that being said, be very careful who you invite into the influence of your life. This is critical to maintaining clear eyes and clear vision for the future and reconciliation of your marriage.
4. Mastering your PIES of Attraction
One last thing that makes the most difference is mastering your PIES of Attraction- physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. You need to be the best version of yourself. You see at one point, that was who you were- that’s how you and your spouse met and became attracted to each other. (And you weren’t worried about all this other stuff.) But now, events have happened, stuff has come in, life has come your way and you’re in pain and you’re hurting. But listen, the best thing you can do for you is to be the best “you” available.
When you make yourself the best you can be, you’ll stop obsessing and you’re going to be healthy. You’re going to make better choices. You’re going to do things in a way that pulls your spouse back. And remember, the PIES are for you. However, the effect can be, they were in love with you once and they could be in love with you again. They can come back with a clear mind and a new perspective on what’s happened in your life.
Know that all of us at Marriage Helper are standing for your marriage. Be sure to follow us on social media and learn more about our resources that can help. (In fact, what might help you in this is the SMART Contact Toolkit.) Either way, we’re believing for you and we’re believing for your marriage.