Spouse In Limerence With Someone Else? – 3 Do’s and Don’ts if Your Spouse is Infatuated with Someone
The fact that you’re reading this leads me to believe that you’ve heard the word limerence before. If not, it means that a person identifies themself as being madly in love. It’s kind of like a powerful infatuation. So I’m guessing that your spouse is in limerence with another person. And you want to know what to do about it.
The good news is that limerence ALWAYS ends. In the meantime, let’s see what we can do about it.
If you type the word “limerence” into Google, millions of websites will pop up. Certain results you’ll find can provide good information, but many sources know nothing about limerence. You’ve landed in the right spot because we will give you the best, most scientific-backed details on limerence. I often teach in counseling centers to counselors and therapists who have never heard, even today, of the word limerence.
Plus, I’ve been through it myself.
Believe it or not, I divorced my wife for another woman with whom I was in limerence (although at the time, I had no idea what limerence was).
By the grace of God, my wife and I married each other again three years later. And I’ve been married now for over 30 years.
So not only do I understand limerence from having been through it, but I’ve read the research. I’m suggesting that if you want to understand how to interact with your spouse while they are in limerence, I’d love to share some of that info with you.
For now, we’ll start with three “do’s” and three “don’ts” for when your spouse is in limerence with another person.
3 “Do’s” For When Your Spouse Infatuated With Someone Else
Educate Yourself About Limerence
Learning about limerence will help you understand what your spouse is thinking, what they’re feeling, and some of their crazy behaviors. Sometimes you’ll think to yourself, “I don’t even know who she/he is anymore.” And we can help you understand a lot of that.
Educating yourself about it can help you understand your spouse and even tolerate your spouse to some degree.
Decide Whether Or Not You Want To Stay In Your Marriage
I’m assuming that you want to stay in your marriage, or else you wouldn’t be here. Your spouse is in limerence, and you’re trying to figure out how to deal with them. If you’re going to make it through this, and if you and your spouse are going to put this back together, there will be some bad days.
There are going to be some times when your anger will overwhelm you. Sometimes when the pain is so deep, you feel like you’re just going to die. Do you really want to stand for your marriage? Even in those days? And be warned–many of your family and friends will advise you, “Kick that person out. Get rid of your wife. Divorce your husband.”
Many years ago, one lady said to me, “My friends are all trying to get me to, at least metaphorically, ‘castrate’ my husband by suing him for this and that. And doing all kinds of legal ramifications and things.”
And I asked, “Are you going to do that?”
She said, “No.”
I said, “But your friends want you to.”
And she said, “That’s my point. I have enough pain on my own. I don’t need to take on theirs.”
You’ll have many people who love you and care about you, giving you what they believe is good advice. I mean, they’re not bad people. But the advice will be prejudiced because they love you so much and see the pain you’re going through. And that’s why I’m saying that you really should decide whether you’re going to stay in this marriage or not, because you’re going to have a lot of reasons to leave. And there will be many people recommending that’s precisely what you do.
So we recommend that you think like “10, 10, 10.”
“If we’re able to put it together, how will I feel about this in 10 weeks?” And then, “How am I going to be feeling about this in 10 months?” And then, “How am I going to be feeling about this in 10 years?”
So that’s where you can start thinking about, “Well, you know, maybe in the next ten months, we can start putting this back together.” And that’s possible. I can’t promise it. But it’s possible.
And “If we put it together, how will I feel about this ten years later?” So when you decide whether or not you want to work on this marriage or end it, please think “10, 10, 10.” Not just for you, but also “10, 10, 10” with your children if you have them. What will it do for them if you put the marriage back together?
And then, I strongly recommend you write down your reasons for wanting to stay in this marriage. Because on the tough days, you’ll want to read that again.
Commit To “Standing” For Your Marriage
Committing to standing means that even on the tough days, when you don’t think you want to do it anymore, you keep fighting for your marriage.
Even when your family and friends advise against you, you keep fighting. Because you see, this is a marathon. It’s not a sprint. And if you’re tired of hearing that, think about it this way: Overnight miracles are exceptionally rare. People who have anything worth fighting for will fight as long as it takes to do it. And so, could it take a few weeks? Could it take a few months? Yes.
In some cases, it could even take years. We’re not talking about 5, 10, or 15 years. We’re not talking about that, but more than 1. More than two years sometimes.
Are you willing to make that kind of commitment?
I’m not trying to discourage you. I’m just asking you. If you’re going to stand for this, commit to doing that. Commit. And I suggest you make at least a 24-month commitment. So those are the 3 “do’s.”
3 “Don’ts” For When Your Spouse Infatuated With Someone Else
Don’t Try To Educate Your Spouse
So many people have gone through our videos and programs, and the next thing you know, they want to explain everything to their spouse. “Oh, you’re in limerence. Here’s what that means. And you’re not thinking right, etc.”
Please don’t do that! Because it’ll have the opposite effect of what you want. You’ll actually get them to build their defenses.
Then, if we can get an opportunity to work with them and try to explain some things to them, they’ll reject it outright because they’ve already rejected what you told them. So please don’t prejudice them like that.
Understand that what they feel is so powerful. So your spouse is not operating out of logic. They’re running on emotion. So if you are trying to explain with reason, it is certainly not going to overcome those emotions. If you try to educate them about limerence, it almost always backfires. So don’t do that.
Don’t Say Anything Negative About The Person Your Spouse Is Romantically Involved With
I know you’re not going to like them. But when it comes to interacting with your spouse, do not attack or say negative things about the person your spouse is involved with. You might be thinking, “But you don’t know him. You don’t know her.”
I get it.
But you see, if your husband or wife is in limerence with their affair partner, your attacks are just going to backfire in all ways. They will also push your spouse even further and further away from you.
As a matter of fact, please stop thinking about the other person altogether. I know it seems impossible to do.
But when you start to think of them, remember–that’s not who you are competing with in this situation. You might think so, but I promise you’re not.
Don’t Do Anything Without Considering Why You’re Doing It And What Outcome You Expect To Happen
People will call me and say things like, “Dr. Beam, I’m thinking about telling my husband’s boss because the woman he’s having the affair with works in the same place.”
Well, what do you expect to accomplish by that?
If you think that will get him to come running back into your arms, what’s the likelihood of that happening? (Hint: he’ll do the opposite).
If you’re trying to hurt him, and that’s what you want to happen, you can accomplish that by telling his boss.
But if you’re trying to save the marriage, will that help? Before doing whatever you do, ask yourself, “Why am I doing this? What do I want to accomplish?”
And then ask the second question, “What’s the likelihood that I’ll accomplish what I want? Or what’s the likelihood that something bad will happen?”
So don’t try to educate your spouse. Don’t attack the other person they’re seeing. It’s not going to be to your benefit. And do not do anything without stopping to ask yourself some critical questions first.
We Can Help
If you’d like, you can call (866) 903-0990and ask for a client representative and say, “Tell me about the coaching. But I also want to know about this thing called the Save My Marriage Immersive Experience.“
And by the way, if your spouse is at the point where he or she is saying, “I’m confused about what I feel. I love you, don’t want to lose you, but I want to be with this other person at the same time,” there’s one other thing we’d ask you to consider.