spouse in limerence

The very fact that you’re here leads me to believe that you’ve heard the word limerence before. If not, it basically means this: When a person identifies himself or herself as being madly in love. It’s kind of like a very strong infatuation. I’m guessing that your spouse is in limerence with another person. And you want to know what to do about it. 

Well the good news is–limerence ALWAYS ends.

In the meantime, let’s see what we can do about it.

If you type the word limerence into Google or Yahoo, millions of websites are going to come back. Some of the information that you’ll see there is good…but some is not so good. You’ve landed in the right spot, though, because we’re only going to give you the best, most scientific-backed information about limerence that there is. As a matter of fact, I’m often invited to teach in counseling centers, to counselors and therapists who have never heard, even today, of the word limerence.

Plus, I’ve been through it myself.

Believe it or not, I divorced my wife for another woman with whom I was in limerence (although at the time, I had no idea what limerence was).

Well, by the grace of God, my wife and I married each other again, three years later. And I’ve been married now for over 30 years.

So not only do I understand limerence from having been through it, but I’ve read the research. And I’m suggesting that if you want to understand how to interact with your spouse while he or she is in limerence…I’d love to share some of that info with you.

For now, we’ll start with three “do’s” and three “don’ts” for when your spouse is in limerence with another person.

 

3 “Do’s” For When Your Spouse Infatuated With Someone Else

 

#1 Educate yourself about limerence

 

Learning all about limerence will help you understand what your spouse is thinking… and what they’re not thinking. What they’re feeling… and what they’re not feeling. Some of the crazy behaviors that they do. Sometimes you’ll think to yourself, “I don’t even know who she/he is anymore.”

And we can help you understand a lot of that. 

Educating yourself about it can help you a lot in understanding your spouse, and even tolerating your spouse to some degree.

 

#2 Decide whether or not you want to stay in your marriage

 

I’m assuming that you do want to stay in your marriage, or else you wouldn’t be here. Your spouse is in limerence, and you’re trying to figure out how to deal with him or her. If you’re going to make it through this, and if you and your spouse are going to put this back together, there are going to be some bad days. 

There are going to be some times when your anger is going to overwhelm you. Sometimes when the pain is so deep, you feel like you’re just going to die. Do you really want to stand for your marriage? Even in those days?

And be warned–Many of your family and friends will advise you, “Kick that person out. Get rid of your wife. Divorce your husband.”

As a matter of fact, there’s one lady who said to me, many years ago, “My friends are all trying to get me to, at least metaphorically, ‘castrate’ my husband, by suing him for this and that. And doing all kinds of legal ramifications and things.”

And I asked, “Are you going to do that?” 

She said, “No.”

I said, “But your friends want you to.” And she said, 

“That’s my point. I have enough pain on my own. I don’t need to take on theirs.”

You’ll have a lot of people that love you and care about you, who are giving you what they believe is good advice. I mean, they’re not bad people. But the advice is going to be prejudiced because they love you so much. And they see the pain that you’re in. And that’s why I’m saying the second thing is you really should decide whether you’re going to stay in this marriage or not. Because you’re going to have a lot of reasons to leave. And a lot of people recommending that’s exactly what you do. 

So we recommend that you think like  “10, 10, 10.”

“If we’re able to put it together, how will I feel about this in 10 weeks?”

And then, “How am I going to be feeling about this in 10 months?”

And then, “How am I going to be feeling about this in 10 years?”

That’s where you can start thinking about, “Well, you know, maybe in the next 10 months, we can start putting this back together.” And that’s very possible. I can’t promise it. But it’s very possible. And “If we do put it together, how am I going to feel about this 10 years later?” And so when you decide whether or not you want to work on this marriage, and try to save this marriage, or just end it… Please think 10, 10, 10. Not just for you… But also 10, 10, 10 in relationship to your children. If you have children. In relationship to your spouse and what it is that it will do for him or her, if you’re going to put it back together. 

And then, I strongly recommend you write down your reasons for wanting to stay in this marriage. Because on the tough days, you’re going to want to read that again.

 

#3: Commit to “standing” for your marriage

 

Committing to standing means that even on the tough days, when you don’t think you want to do it anymore, you keep fighting for your marriage.

It means even when your family and friends are advising against you, to keep fighting. Because you see, this is a marathon. It’s not a sprint. And if you’re tired of hearing that, think about it this way…Overnight miracles are exceptionally rare. People who have anything that is worth fighting for, will fight as long as it takes to do it. And so, could it take a few weeks?

Could it take a few months? Yeah. In some cases, even some years. We’re not talking about 5, 10, 15 years. We’re not talking about that, but more than 1. More than 2 sometimes.

Are you willing to make that kind of commitment? 

I’m not trying to discourage you. I’m just asking you…If you’re really going to stand for this, commit to do that. Make a commitment. And I suggest you make at least a 24 month commitment. So those are the 3 “do’s.”

 

3 “Don’ts” For When Your Spouse Infatuated With Someone Else

 

#1- Don’t try to educate your spouse

 

So many people have come and went through some of our videos, come through some of our programs…and the next thing you know, they want to be explaining everything to their spouse. “Oh, you’re in limerence. Here’s what that means. And you’re not thinking right, etc.”

Please don’t do that! Because it’ll have the opposite effect of what you want–You’ll actually get them to build their defenses.

Then if we can get an opportunity somewhere along the line to work with them, and we try to explain some things to them…They’ll reject it outright, because they’ve already rejected what you told them. Please don’t prejudice them like that.

Plus, understand what they feel is so powerful. They’re not operating out of logic. They’re operating out of emotion. And so you trying to explain with logic, is certainly not going to overcome those emotions. And so if you try to explain it to them, if you try to educate them about it, almost always that backfires. So don’t do that.

 

#2- Don’t say anything negative about the person your spouse is romantically involved with

 

I know you’re not going to like them. But when it comes to interacting with your spouse, do not in any shape, fashion or form, attack or say negative things about the person that your spouse is involved with. You might be thinking, “But you don’t know him. You don’t know her.”

I get it. 

But you see…If he or she, your husband or wife, is feeling the kind of things toward their affair partner that I’m pretty sure they feel if they’re in limerence…Then your attacks are just going to backfire in all kinds of ways, and push your spouse even further and further away from you.

As a matter of fact, please stop thinking about the other person altogether. I know it seems impossible to do.

But when you start to think of them, remember- That’s not who you’re in competition with. You might think you are, but I promise you’re not.

 

#3- Don’t do anything without considering why you’re doing it, and what outcome you expect to happen

 

People will call me and say things like, “Dr. Beam, I’m thinking about telling my husband’s boss because the woman he’s having the affair with, works in the same place.” 

Okay. 

Well, what do you expect to accomplish by that?

If you think that’s going to get him to come running back into your arms…what’s the likelihood that’s going to happen (hint: he’ll do the opposite).

Now, if you’re just trying to hurt him…and that’s what you want to happen…Then you can definitely accomplish that by telling his boss. 

But if you’re trying to save the marriage, is that really going to help? Before doing whatever it is that you do… Ask yourself first, “Why am I doing this? What am I wanting to accomplish?”

And then ask the second question, “What’s the likelihood that that’s what I’ll accomplish? Or what’s the likelihood, that what will occur, is actually something I don’t want to happen?”

So don’t try to educate your spouse. Don’t attack the other person they’re involved with. It’s not going to be to your benefit. And do not do anything without stopping to ask yourself the questions first.

Now, we’ve got all kinds of ways we can help you with that if you’d like. We have  an online course with 12 different videos, workbooks, transcripts, and all kinds of cool things with that, along with an online community that you can be part of. It’s called “Save My Marriage.” If you’d like, you can call (866) 903-0990 and ask for a client representative and say, “Well, tell me about the coaching. But I also want to know about this thing called Save My Marriage. Can you talk about that online course?”

And by the way, if your spouse is at the point where he or she is saying, “I’m confused about what I feel. I love you, don’t want to lose you, but I want to be with this other person at the same time”…There’s one other thing we’d ask you to consider. 

It’s the workshop we do that has a 3 out of 4 success rate. And if your spouse is in that vacillating state… This would be the time to come to the workshop. Because our workshop leaders understand this to the nth degree and we can help. And we’d love to help you put this marriage back together.

 

 

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